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Tale of the Tape: Cowboys vs. 'The Godfather'
By Nick Bakay
Page 2 columnist

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I'll say this for Jerry Jones: It took the Rams three years to discard Tony Banks, but it only took Jerry two preseason games. That said, these are strange days in Big D, what with all the Cowboys' glorious tradition mired in Bengals Envy.

The talent cupboard is bare, the budget is capped tighter than an oil-rig fire, and America's Team is about to learn what it's like to spend 16 Sundays in a bombed-out embassy.

Oh sure, it's hard to stay on top in these days of free agency and salary caps, but we haven't seen the elite fall this far since ... well, since "The Godfather III," when the greatest one-two punch in cinema was chased with a sequel that ranks somewhere below "Dude, Now Where's My Car?!" (Not that it prevented Hollywood from amortizing the deficit on the Fredo of the trio by forcing you to buy it in the DVD package.)

Dynasties are built to topple, but which of these organizations deserves to be called the most disappointing? The Cowboys, the "Godfather" trilogy: One is quotable, the other potable -- let's see how they stack up at the Tale of the Tape.

THE GODFATHER VS. AMERICA'S TEAM
Category	"The Godfather"	Cowboys	Advantage
Masquerading as	Olive oil importers	A viable NFL team	"The Godfather"
"I don't want his mother to see him like this ..."	Sonny's face before the mortician went to work	Jerry's face after the cosmetic surgery	Push
Horrifying things they leave in your bed	A severed horse head	A pair of 2001 season tickets	Cowboys
Bad combinations	Fredo and fishing boats	Michael Irvin and motel rooms	Push
Not ready for prime time players	Sophia Coppola	Every draft pick since '97	Push
Hitting the mattresses	Hiding out while Clemenza makes sauce	Hiding at "The White House" while your wife makes sauce	Cowboys
Frightens small children	Don Corleone with an orange rind in his mouth	Barry Switzer with a gun in his carry-on luggage	Cowboys
Introductions	"I am Enzo ... Enzo, de baker!"	"I am Dave Campo ... soon to be a baker!"	Cowboys
Signing bonuses	"If there's a suitcase with a million dollars in it, then I'll know I have a partner."	"If there's a suitcase with 20 million dollars in it, then you can have Deion."	Push
Bad trades	George Hamilton for Robert Duvall	Two No. 1 picks for Joey Galloway	Cowboys
What Mel Kiper Jr. would say	"'Franky Five Angels' has a mean streak, and his motor never stops running."	"Quincy Carter in round three? Major reach."	"The Godfather"
Goals for 2001	To take over the referee union's pension plan	Uh ... win a game?	"The Godfather"
Oops!	Letting Appolonia start the car	Letting Jerry run the draft	Push
Not a wartime consigliari	Tom Hagen	Chan Gailey	"The Godfather"
Speed merchants	Khartoum	Bob Hayes	Cowboys
T&A	A type more Greek than Italian	A cheerleader more saline than flesh	Push -- everyone wins with pulchritude.
Begot	"The Sopranos"	The XFL cheerleaders	Cowboys -- Hey, I'm a man with needs.
Big men with small brains	Luca Brazzi	Leon Lett	Push
Dreaded conversations	"Fredo, I know it was you ..."	"Coach Landry, we're making a change ..."	Push
Never the same after	Sonny hit the toll booth	Aikman hit the announcer's booth	Cowboys
Turning points	"Johnny Ola told me about this place ..."	"Jimmy Johnson is no longer the head coach of the Dallas Cowboys ..."	"The Godfather"
In their pockets	Four Supreme Court judges and Sen. Geary	51 bus tickets to NFL Europe	"The Godfather"
An abortion	Kay's revenge on Michael	The title of their 2001 team highlight film	Push

So, there you have it. It's all so simple when you break things down scientifically.

In a garroting while an ice pick pins your hand to the bar, the advantage goes to ... the Dallas Cowboys! Hey, that's what happens when you reach the top -- bitter Bills fans like me take shots at you on your way back down.

Until next time, I'm Nick Bakay reminding you to leave the gun, take the cannoli. Now if you'll excuse me, my boss likes to hear bad news right away ...

Humorist Nick Bakay, currently a writer for the CBS sitcom "King of Queens," is a regular contributor to ESPN The Magazine and Page 2. He has a website at http://nickbakay.com.