| | | International voting has helped turn the All-Star extravaganza into a Mariners' home game. No disrespect to the team with the best record in baseball, but will the phenomenon of these new-look M's turn Starbucks into a bitter cup of yesterday's pop-cultural brew?
Seattle -- it has long been the home of coffee, geoducks, and suicide. But has Mariner Mania reinvented its relevance?
Mariners, Starbucks. Let's see how they stack up at the Tale of the Tape ...
| Mariners vs. Starbucks |
| Category |
Mariners |
Starbucks |
Advantage |
| Suddenly |
A fan in every seat |
A shop on every corner |
Push |
| Whatever happened to ... |
Alex Rodriguez? |
The old cups with the mermaids with their fins spread? |
Starbucks |
| "Stuffing the ballot box" |
How the international vote earned all those starters |
An industry term
for what happens when you chase cabbage rolls with a grandé |
Mariners |
| Innovations |
An Asian player who can hit |
A cup of Joe that costs six dollars |
Mariners |
| Who's sorry now? |
Ken Griffey Jr. |
Maxwell House |
Mariners |
| Used to be |
Pilots |
Fifty cents a cup |
Mariners |
| "Grounder" |
A fielder's choice |
One step below "Barista" |
Starbucks |
| Letting rivals overpay |
Rangers give A-Rod 250 million |
The $150 million McDonald's coffee-scalding settlement |
Push, either way it's the fans who pay |
| "Bean ball" |
A retaliation |
A promotion |
Starbucks |
| Chatter |
"Hey, getcha sushi!" |
"Fill it to the
Pacific Rim!" |
Mariners |
| Abbreviations |
M's |
S'ucks |
Mariners |
| Managerial Protests |
"Sweet Lou" rips up the first-base bag |
"Pony-tail Joe" overcaffinates |
Mariners |
| Ownership |
A Japanese conglomerate |
Kenny G. |
Mariners |
| New merchandise |
Pokemon's new "Ichirokachoo" |
Annoying,
yuppified "theme" CDs, such as "Blues for a Bear Market" |
Mariners |
So, there you have it. When you're sliding into home, and your pants are full of latté foam, the advantage goes to ... the Seattle Mariners. But hang in there Starbucks, at the end of the day, 900 million twitching addicts can't be wrong.
Until next time, I'm Nick Bakay reminding you that the numbers never lie.
Humorist Nick Bakay, currently a writer for the CBS sitcom "King of Queens," is a regular contributor to ESPN The Magazine and Page 2. He has a website at http://nickbakay.com.  Send this story to a friend | Most sent stories
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