ESPN.com - Page2 - Bakay's Tale of the Tape:<br>Tiger vs. James Bond

Bakay's Tale of the Tape:
Tiger vs. James Bond
By Nick Bakay
Page 2

As he plays his 101st tour event this week at the U.S. Open in Tulsa, Okla., it's getting hard to find people who can match up against Tiger Woods. He's suave. He thrives on pressure. He always gets the job done.

Men want to be him, women want to ... well, you know. Put it all together and only one name offers a suitable challenge: Bond ... James Bond.

The unbeatable golfer and the unflappable secret agent. Let's see how they stack up at the Tale of the Tape ...

Tiger Woods vs. James Bond
Category	Tiger	Bond	Advantage
Weapons of choice:	Titleist clubs	Walther PPK	Bond, unless you attend a Jack Nicholson "Pitching Wedge Clinic"
Associations	The PGA	Her Majesty's Secret Service	Bond
Casey Martin	Former teammate, former schmeam-mate. I don't want to offend any potential consumers	How do I know that cart isn't armed with harpoon guns?	Bond
Attire	A green Master's jacket from the Lawrence Welk collection	A semi-automatic tux	Bond
Former secretaries:	Fluff	Miss Moneypenny	Bond
Bad imitations	Greg Norman	George Lazenby	Tiger
Occupational hazards	Crazed autograph seek might debilitate him	Odd Job might decapitate him	Tiger
Provocative names they compete with	Steve Flesch (above), Dicky Pride, Frank Lickliter	Octopussy	Tiger, on sheer volume alone
Big breasted enemies	Colin Montgomerie	Pick 'em	Bond
Names that are euphemisms for felines	His own	Pussy Galore	Bond
Also-rans	Phil Mickelson, David Duval, Ernie Els	The Saint, Our Man Flynt, Matt Helm	Push
One-of-a-kind skills	Can tee off with a broom handle and still reach the green in two	Can wear a tuxedo under a wet suit	Tiger
Records	An unnatural Grand Slam	Hit more homers in May than anyone ... oops, that's Bonds	Tiger
Beverage of choice at 19th hole	Sunny-D	Martini	Bond, shaken not stirred
Early signs of greatness	Youngest Masters champion ever	Bedded his first-grade teacher and got her to give him the answers to the pop quiz	Bond
Things haven't been the same since	He joined the Tour	The Cold War ended	Tiger
Wannabes	The Williams sisters	Pierce Brosnan (above), Roger Moore, Timothy Dalton, Henry Kissinger	Bond
Producers	Earl Woods	Cubby Brocoli	Tiger
Television events	Prime-time one-on-one showdowns	Annual movie marathon on cable	Tiger
Favorite movie	Caddyshack	Caddyshack!!! Who knew?	Push. Somewhere, Gov. Ventura beams with pride.

So, there you have it. In a miraculous escape from an impossible predicament, the advantage goes to James Bond. But hang in there, Tiger. I hear Jimmy can't even break 100 on a municipal par 3.

Until next time, I'm Nick Bakay reminding you the numbers never lie ...

Humorist Nick Bakay, currently a writer for the CBS sitcom "King of Queens," is a regular contributor to ESPN The Magazine and Page 2. He has a Web site at http://nickbakay.com.