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Tale of the Tape:
Clinton vs. Rose
By Nick Bakay
Page 2 columnist

The truth: We thirst for it, particularly when it involves the sordid undoing of an icon.

Bill Clinton gets an eight-figure deal to pen his memoirs? Trust me, they aren't paying for the hot, dirty lowdown on health-care reform.

As for Pete Rose, I don't know what was more shocking -- that longtime defender Tommy Gioiosa finally dropped a dime on Pete-- or that the allegations of cocaine deals and baseball bets graced the pages of Vanity Fair -- a magazine that normally turns its nose up at any story that can't guarantee at least three references to Donatella Versace.

The Pimp-Daddy Prez vs. Charlie Point Spread. We might never know their truth, but we sure can set these two scandal-plagued he-men in the ring and see how they stack up at the Tale of the Tape ...

Charlie Hustle vs. Slick Willie
Category	Pete Rose	Bill Clinton	Advantage
Weaknesses	Teasers	Teases	Push
Injured parties waiting for him at home	Ray Fosse	Hillary	Rose
Legends whose stats they eclipsed	Ty Cobb	JFK	Push
Hot reading	When the Dowd report uses words like "over/under"	Chapter 12 Of his memoirs: "Et Tu, Chubby Chaser?"	Clinton
The father of	The Mullett	The first lubricant with the presidential seal	Push
Corked bats	How he allegedly caught Cobb	How he allegedly caught chlymidia	The word allegedly -- it allows you to print anything
Famous quotes in their original form	"I did not bet on baseball ... that was my evil twin."	"I feel your pain ... it's in your left breast."	Push
Animals they pretend to care about	Schotzzie	Socks	Clinton -- Hey, I moonlight as a freakin' talking cat, I'm contractually obligated to say that!
The market price for memories	$500 per signed bat (forged by Gioiosa)	$1,000,000 per peccadillo	Clinton
Amazing talents	He only needs two syllables to say the name "Giamatti"	He's still married!	Rose
No personal calls	Using the dugout phone to call his bookie	Using the missile deployment hot line for a bootie call	Push
We felt their pain	When Jim Gray soiled the Century Team celebration	When we saw Paula Jones	Push
Where you won't be seeing them soon	The Hall of Fame	A Promise Keepers' rally	Rose

So, there you have it. It's all so simple when you break things down scientifically. In a photo-finish with blackmail written all over it, the advantage goes to ... an extremely rare Push.

One man has more base hits than anyone in the history of the game, one man brought us a stock market that plumped your IRAs -- I wish both were still in the game. Until next time, I'm Nick Bakay reminding you the numbers never lie.

Humorist Nick Bakay, currently a writer for the CBS sitcom "King of Queens," is a regular contributor to ESPN The Magazine and Page 2. He has a website at http://nickbakay.com.