When it comes to hyper-critical redheads, a pair of twins tower over the rest: outspoken Bill Walton and chilly Anne Robinson.
Who is the weakest link?
She can dish it out, but can she take it? He withered as a guest on "The Weakest Link," but was that because of a decided home-field advantage as Robinson took the opportunity to dish up the last, desperate swings of a fallen empire?
Robinson and Walton. Let's see how they stack up at the Tale of the Tape.
| The "Weakest Link" rematch |
| Category |
Bill Walton |
Anne Robinson |
Advantage |
| Coattails they rode to the top |
Larry Bird |
Regis Philbin |
Walton |
| Wooden |
His mentor |
The only word to describe her stage presence |
Walton |
| The price they pay |
He does Clippers games |
She uses a British dentist |
Push |
| What they say |
"A horrible game plan that typifies the horrible state of the
league!" |
"Is there a ventriloquist missing its dummy?" |
Push |
| What they mean |
"Who the heck do I have to criticize to get promoted to the A-games
with Marv?" |
"Dear God, don't let the tele-promp break. Left to my own devices, the meanest thing I can think of to say is 'You're stupid.' " |
Push |
| Playing hurt |
"My back can't take the strain of bending over to interview Iverson." |
"All this leather chafes my bum!" |
Walton |
| Playing career ended by |
Bad feet |
Bad personality |
Walton |
| Previous incarnations |
A Deadhead |
A young sadist |
Walton |
| Could make big bucks by teaching |
Clinics for big men |
A spanking workshop at the Learning Annex |
Robinson -- Can't a man relax? |
| Championships |
College and the pros |
Won this year's top honors for milking a one-dimensional gimmick
the furthest |
Walton |
| Overdeveloped |
Pituitary gland |
Bile duct |
Walton |
| Shelf life |
30 years and counting |
Start the clock ... what? It's over? |
Walton |
| Paternal pride |
Watched his son play in the Final Four |
Watched her pet tarantula eat its mate |
Walton |
So, there you have it. In a public humiliation rivaled only by a good, swift caning, the advantage goes to ... Bill Walton.
Well, well, well, Mrs. Robinson -- did you forget to pack your charisma? Hang in there, Annie. If I really wanted to hurt you, I'd mention that if it weren't for the good old USA,
you'd have made your fame hosting a show on Deutche TV.
Until next time, I'm Nick Bakay reminding you the numbers never lie.
Humorist Nick Bakay, currently a writer for the CBS sitcom "King of Queens," is a regular contributor to ESPN The Magazine and Page 2. He has a website at http://nickbakay.com.
