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Baltimore vs. New York
By Nick Bakay
Page 2 columnist

The Ravens and Giants may be hauling a host of redemptive story lines to Tampa, but it's my job to police the truth, and remind the world that these respective NFL cities carry some serious baggage into the big throwdown: There is nothing New York about a team that plays in Jersey, and Baltimore warped its pigskin karma by robbing Cleveland of the Browns.

I'll admit growing up in Buffalo made me sympathetic to a rust belt brother like Cleveland -- at the time of the big move, I said there would be no peace on Lake Erie until the Dawg Pound got to toss Art Modell's head around the stadium like a beach ball at a Foghat concert.

Of course, growing up in Buffalo also meant watching all of your tax dollars leave the area to fund methadone clinics in Brooklyn.

So objectivity rears its ugly head, and I'm forced to take both of these cities on their own terms: New York vs. Baltimore. The City That Never Sleeps versus The City That Brought Us Movies Starring Divine. Let's see how they stack up at the Tale of the Tape:

Baltimore vs. New York Tale of the Tape
Category	New York	Baltimore	Advantage
AKA	The Big Apple, Gotham, Fun City	More crabs than a trucker motel	New York
Greatest moment in franchise history	Winning two Super Bowls	Benching Tony Banks for Trent Dilfer?	New York
Proper pronunciation	Noo Yawk	Ball'mer	Push
Future home of ...	The Clintons	The Cleveland Indians?	Push
Teams should be called ...	Jints	Colts	Push
Olfactory curiosities	The peculiar, pungent tang of a subway stairwell	The peculiar, pungent tang of Art Modell borrowing money	Push
We have them to thank for ...	The musical	"The Star Spangled Banner"	Push: Either way, Carl Lewis can't hit the high notes.
Astonishing local wonders	Rudy Giuliani's comb-over	Boog Powell's cholesterol	Push
Dead giveaways you're from out of town	You think you just bought a real Rolex on a street corner for 25 bucks.	You think Crab Cakes are a dessert.	Push
When to wear a Flak jacket	If you take the train to Yankee Stadium	If you accompany Art Modell back to Cleveland	Push
Mottos	So nice they named it twice	Washington... without the interns	New York
Sad farewells	When vice cleaned up Times Square	When Irsay's vans moved at midnight	Push
Linebackers who should be brought to games on a Hannibal Lecter gurney	LT	Ray Lewis	New York
Famed restaurants	Le Cirque	Uncle Chappy's Crab Shack	Baltimore -- good eats at a good price! OK, I might be going to the crab well a little too often, but what the hell else is there to talk about?
Poet laureates	The Rev. Al Sharpton	Edgar Allen Poe	Push
Stadiums are ...	Dead mobster-adjacent	Festooned in purple	New York
Likely to see on any corner	Recently discharged psychotic halfway house parolees	Mel Kiper Jr.!	Baltimore: Show me a psychotic who can rattle off a JUCO transferšs time in the 40!
Inspiring landmarks	Lady Liberty's torch reaching high over the East River	The world's first ESPN Zone restaurant	Baltimore, and yes, I'm a company man
Named after ...	Parcells' ego	A poem!	New York

So there you have it, it's so simple when you break things down scientifically. In a $500 cab ride from the airport, the advantage goes to New York. But hang in there Baltimore, I'm still taking you plus 2½ points. Until next time, I'm Nick Bakay reminding you: The numbers never lie.

Humorist Nick Bakay, currently a writer for the CBS sitcom "King of Queens," is a regular contributor to ESPN The Magazine and Page 2. He has a Web site at http://nickbakay.com.

	city rivalries

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