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Tale of the Tape:
Graduation vs. Ozzfest
By Nick Bakay
Page2 columnist

You can blow a save any ol' time, but how often does Black Sabbath get back together?

Apparently that was John Rocker's logic when he chose flying to Atlanta for Ozzfest over a controversy-free start with the Cleveland Indians.

Following on the heels of Vince Carter's decision to grab his diploma over sinking a series-winning jumper in the playoffs, athletes and their off-days and free time are officially a hot topic.

Now, on the surface it would appear more valid to squeeze your commencement in between games than to blow a save because your ears are still ringing from the 12th encore.

Then again, Rocker took his chances on a regular-season game, while Carter rolled the dice with the season on the line. So, it's time to get to the bottom of extracurricular risk versus reward: Attending your graduation, attending Ozzfest. Who really had the best destination?

Let's see how they stack up at the Tale of the Tape ...

Graduation vs. Ozzfest
Category	Graduation	Ozzfest	Advantage
Your big moment	The school president hands you your diploma	Ozzy hands you a flailing, headless dove	Graduation, unless the parchment is infectious
Toss	Your cap	Your cookies	Graduation
Androgynous opening acts	The Whiffenpoofs	Marilyn Manson	Push
Hypocrisy	The university awards an honorary doctorate to a celebrity with a ninth grade education	Ozzy urges you all to drive home safely	Push
Emotional moments	Your parents realize they just spent $120,000 so you could learn how to tap a keg	You realize the reunited Black Sabbath look like the Golden girls with a Marshall stack	Push
Cliques	Phi Beta Kappa	I Phelta Thi	Ozzfest
Encores	Pomp and Circumstance	War Pigs	Ozzfest
The big three	Reading, writing and arithmetic	Sex, drugs and rock 'n' roll	Ozzfest. In the current political climate, S, D & R are better qualifications if you want to be elected President.
Memories	In your heart for a lifetime	In your bloodstream for a week	Graduation
The morning after	You wake up to the reality of no job and massive student loan debt	You wake up to the reality of a skinhead spooning you in the drunk tank	Push!
"Oh, Dear!"	The valedictorian considers his speech one last chance to kiss teachers' butts	The mosh pit is sponsored by Zima	Push
Second stage	A humble barbeque for the kids who finished a few credits short	The little stage with the bands no one has heard of	Push
Clichés	"You are the leaders of tomorrow ..."	"Hello, Atlanta!"	Push

So, there you have it. It's so simple when you break things down scientifically. In a race that finished tighter than Rocker's Shea Stadium security, the advantage goes to ... push!

I guess I'm in favor of any individual who chooses to let his freak flag fly in the face of conventional wisdom. That being said, I remain confident Rocker will give me a reason to regret this.

Until next time, I'm Nick Bakay reminding you the numbers never lie.

Humorist Nick Bakay, currently a writer for the CBS sitcom "King of Queens," is a regular contributor to ESPN The Magazine and Page 2. He has a website at http://nickbakay.com.