ESPN.com - Page2 - <br>Super Bowl vs. Survivor

Super Bowl vs. Survivor
By Nick Bakay
Page 2 columnist

In an era of audience fragmentation, the Super Bowl might be the only national holiday we can still agree on. Miss it, and you can expect to be stoned to death outside a Costco. Indeed, you should be stoned to death -- maybe the Costco part is overkill.

Ironically, the big game will be sharing its hype with a show rife with parasites: the much anticipated "Survivor 2."

In the big picture, "Survivor" might be a mere blip on our pop-culture radar, with a shorter life expectancy than a firefly, but come Sunday, the Super Bowl and "Survivor" will be sharing center stage with every single TV set in the land.

Which begs the question: which one will generate the most Monday morning quarterbacking? Super Bowl, "Survivor," let's see how they stack up in the Tale of the Tape ...

Super Bowl vs. "Survivor" Tale of the Tape
Category	Super Bowl	Survivor	Advantage
Life expectancy	Eternal	Slightly longer than "Studs"	Super Bowl
Things you can never "un-see"	Tony Siragusa, post-shower and just as God intended him	Hatch's hang down	Push, and give me a second here so I can stab out my eyes
Risks you run	For the rest of your life, your new middle name could be "wide right"	Insects could lay eggs in your face	Push
Annual migrations	Tampa, Miami, New Orleans	Fiji, Australia, Syndication	Super Bowl, until Survivor sends tribes to Bourbon St. without any Zantac
Shame	You're the first player busted in a red-light district the night before the game	You're voted off the island for hoarding Snickers	Push
When you know you're king	I'm going to Disneyland!	I found some kick-ass wiping leaves!	Super Bowl
Don't turn your back on	Ray Lewis	The chick who drives a truck	Push
Old school	The Ravens offense	Rudy	Survivor
We really need	A first down!	Ointment!	Super Bowl
Get used to sex with	An undercover vice cop	The cameras rolling	Push
Loneliness is	Finding yourself covering Tiki Barber one on one	Finding a strange, aggressive rash engulfing your swimsuit area	Push
Which Gumbel you get to meet	Greg	Bryant	Super Bowl
Game plans	Prey on the old and the weak	Prey on the old and the weak	Push
Records	Your defense allowed the fewest points	Your tribe had the fewest solid bowel movements	Super Bowl

So, there you have it. It's all so simple when you break things down scientifically: In a tribal council meeting in full pads, the advantage goes to the Super Bowl. But hang in there, Survivor; you can stay warm by the fuel of your exorbitant ad rates. Until next time, I'm Nick Bakay reminding you the numbers never lie.

Humorist Nick Bakay, currently a writer for the CBS sitcom "King of Queens," is a regular contributor to ESPN The Magazine and Page 2. He has a Web site at http://nickbakay.com.

	tale of the tape

ALSO SEE:
Bakay: Baltimore vs. New York Tale of the Tape

Bakay: Shaq vs. Kobe Tale of the Tape

Caple: Fearless Super Bowl predictions

Bakay: It's OK to cheat

Bakay: Old school vs. new school

Bakay's 2000 unexpurgated NBs

Bakay: The line on prima donnas

Bakay: The look of a winner

Bakay: What would Facenda say?

Bakay: Wrestling with the XFL

Bakay: When roasts go bad

Bakay: The two-QB system

Bakay: Reveling in rivalries