ESPN.com - Page2 - Tale of the Tape: Tomb Raider vs. Mr. Raider

Tale of the Tape: Tomb Raider vs. Mr. Raider
By Nick Bakay
Page 2

Angelina Jolie and Al Davis: Both are now synonymous with Raider franchises, but who is the ultimate marauder?

Let's see how they stack up at the Tale of the Tape ...

Tomb Raider vs. Mr. Raider
Category	Mr. Raider	Tomb Raider	Advantage
Transformations	A Hollywood team gone Oakland	A video game gone Hollywood	Tomb Raider
Lips	The size of Earth worms	The size of the Earth	Tomb Raider
Action wear	Kranky Kevlar sweatsuit	A musty, busty T-shirt	Tomb Raider
Do they wear gaudy jewelry?	Yes	No!	Mr. Raider
Motto	Just sue, baby	Just pout, baby	Tomb Raider
Necklace Of Choice	A simple strand of commissioner's ears	Vial of Billy Bob's blood	Mr. Raider
Nemesis	Pick 'em	Sleeping demons	Push
Age	Older than rope	Old enough	Tomb Raider
Where they hide their guns	Tucked into his ankle-high booties	In her lips	Tomb Raider
Goals	A commitment to excellence	A commitment to a sequel	Mr. Raider
What they plunder	Your local government	Your Doritos	Push!
Think a tie is like	Kissing his sister	Kissing her brother	Push. Nobody wins here, kids.
Legacies they must live up to	His own	A digital sex symbol to computer geeks	Tomb Raider
Wiping the floor with	The Chargers	The box office hopes of "Moulin Rouge"	Tomb Raider
Punks	Owners who vote against him	Her fan base	Mr. Raider
Popularity is based on	The vertical game	The horizontal game	Tomb Raider
Distinguishing characteristics	One simple eye patch	Two ... well, you know	Tomb Raider, in a squeaker

So, there you have it. It's all so simple when you break things down scientifically. In a spiraling kick to the coffin corner, the advantage goes to Lara Croft: Tomb Raider! But hang in there, Big Al. I hear she would have benched Marcus Allen, too.

Until next time, I'm Nick Bakay reminding you the numbers never lie.

Humorist Nick Bakay, currently a writer for the CBS sitcom "King of Queens," is a regular contributor to ESPN The Magazine and Page 2. He has a Web site at http://nickbakay.com.