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Tale of the Tape:
Fedorovs vs. Risons
By Nick Bakay
Page2 columnist

Love means never having to say you're sorry, and if you don't believe it, consider two warriors who have walked the walk:

Andre Rison made his fame hauling in tough passes over the middle, yet he remains a moth to the flame of Lisa "Left Eye" Lopes, the woman who torched his Hot'lanta mansion. When their wedding plans hit the wall, hopeless romantics everywhere felt we'd hit rock bottom ...

But then, news broke that Sergei Fedorov and Anna Kournikova had survived her girlish peccadilloes and were married earlier this month in a small, private ceremony ... that apparently never happened.

It's time to sort through the wreckage.

The Fedorovs and the Risons: two super couples, two over-reported, under-realized unions, and what might have been. Let's see how they stack up in the Tale of the Tape:

Left Eye & Bad Moon vs. Anna & Sergei
Category	The Risons	The Fedorovs	Advantage
Pre-nups	Codicil 1-A: No smoking in bed	Longer than "War & Peace"	Push
Who broke the rumor	They did	They didn't	The Fedorovs
Groom's secret desires	Pepa	To marry Anna Kournikova ... and to fly.	Andre
Bride's secret desires	Destiny Child's wallowing in Spice Girls-esque agony	That people could look past her tennis and see her physical beauty	Fedorovs
At the heart of the matter	Love?	Uh ... Green Card?	Push
How they proposed	Penned a rap that rhymed "wedding" with "bling bling"	Went five-hole with a diamond ring	Push. All's fair ...
Commitment to Excellence	Andre's gal sports a Raider eye patch	Sergei's gal would never trade him for Jason Allison	The Risons
Complications	Left Eye would have to absorb Andre's debts	The most interesting thing about a married Anna? Her won-lost record	Fedorovs
Ring inscriptions	"Caution: Contents flammable"	"Caution: Contents could erase your hard drive."	Push
First dance	"Burning Down the House"	"No Scrubs"	The Risons! Oh, the irony!
Writing their own vows	"How 'bout a little fire, Scarecrow?"	"I promise to love, honor ... and move out of Pavel Bure's condo."	The Fedorovs
Honeymoons would have been marred by	Subpoenas	Paparazzi	Risons
Would have sold exclusive wedding pics to	The Source	Pravda	Risons
New addresses	The limbo of a four-game suspension	The glamour that is Hockeytown	Fedorovs
Best man's teeth	Guilded with symbols of the Wu-Tang Clan	Missing	The Risons

So, there you have it. In a tip-drill bouquet that lands in turnover town, the advantage goes to ... the Risons! Can you say upset?

But hang in there, Anna and Serg. As a married couple, you just become the next Ward and June Cleaver, and we're back to wondering which Playmate Cade McNown is dating.

Until next time, I'm Nick Bakay reminding you the numbers never lie.

Humorist Nick Bakay, currently a writer for the CBS sitcom "King of Queens," is a regular contributor to ESPN The Magazine and Page 2. He has a website at http://nickbakay.com.