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Nick Bakay's Tale of the Tape: Bengals vs. HMO
By Nick Bakay
Page 2

One of my favorite ways of killing time is the age-old game of "Gun To The Head": Gun to the head, would you rather take a solid left from George Foreman in his prime, or run the Oky drill against LT? Which coach would you rather "disappoint" -- Bobby Knight, or Frank Kush? Who would you rather be right now, Scott Norwood or Bill Buckner? You can sit around for hours, weighing a pantheon of hideous dilemmas, or you can cut to the chase and get really ugly:

If you had to pick, which would you rather be -- a pro football fan in Cincinnati, or stuck with an HMO that cuts as many corners as Mike Brown? Only the strong need venture forth on this one. Bengals, HMO's, the twin towers of cheapness. Let's see how they stack up at the Tale of the Tape ...

Nick Bakay's Tale of the Tape: Bengals vs. HMO
Category	Bengals	HMO	Advantage
Super-secret corporate motto	"A complete NFL roster for the price of a utility infielder!"	"We turn those beds over!"	Bengals
Why so proud?	We're millions under the cap again!	Taking undertaker kickbacks since 1982!	Push.
Bottom line	Throw nickels around like hubcaps.	Diagnosis, schmiagnosis, it's just a cold!	Push
The prescription	Rub some dirt on it.	Throw some dirt on him.	Bengals
Signs that you're in trouble	The Whirlpool has algae	They recycle needles and buy morphine on E-bay	Bengals
You're not going anywhere	Slap the franchise tag on you	Slap a "do not resuscitate" tag on your toe	Bengals -- hey, it's for one year, not eternity.
More corners cut	The team doctor works for Costco coupons	You're covered for a tent and one aspirin	Push
Something they don't do very often	Score touchdowns	Cure you	Bengals
Painkillers	The offseason	Going towards the light	Push
Chow time	Pregame meals at Denny's	All the water you want!	Push
Travel	Your very own donkey shuttles you from the hotel to the stadium.	A teamster with a handtruck hauls you and a crate of rubber gloves to the ER.	HMO
Prognosis	Turned a project like Akili Smith into a decent high school QB	Turned your toenail fungus into gangrene	Push

So there you have it, it's all so simple when you break things down scientifically. In a defibrillator-comeback special, the big advantage goes to the Bengals. But hang in there all you HMOs, with all the money you've saved, why not grab up the naming rights the Bengals' new crib? I can just see it now -- "Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to 'Share a catheter' stadium!" Until next time, I'm Nick Bakay reminding you the numbers never lie.

Humorist Nick Bakay, currently a writer for the CBS sitcom "King of Queens," is a regular contributor to ESPN The Magazine and Page 2. He has a Web site at http://nickbakay.com.