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Bakay's Tale of the Tape: Mardi Gras vs. Final Four
By Nick Bakay
Page 2 columnist

The Big Dance: For some, it means a berth in the NCAA Tournament. For others, it means grinding up against a stranger on Bourbon Street during Mardi Gras.

Both events give us something to live for in late February and early March, inspire extreme behavior, and create their share of double dribbles -- but which one deserves to be named king of the parade?

Mardi Gras vs. the Final Four: Let the good times roll, let the illegal booster money flow, and let's see how they stack up at the Tale of the Tape ...

Mardi Gras vs. Final Four
Category	Mardi Gras	Final Four	Advantage
At stake	Your liver	A national championship	Push
Location	New Orleans -- the enablement capital of the world	Minneapolis -- home of the Humperdome	Mardi Gras -- Isn't "Humperdome" a subgrouping of enablement?
Keys to winning	Pukin'	Passin'	Final Four
Battle cries	"Show us your T**S!"	"Rock Chalk Jayhawk"	Mardi Gras, and the dreams of lonely men everywhere
What you have to go through to get there	The Big Easy	The Sweet 16	Push -- Put 'em together, and you're looking at jail time
Take it to the bank	Pickpockets make A-Rod money	The coach makes A-Rod money by forcing his amateurs to wear Nike	Push
Po' boys	A fried oyster sandwich	Any juniors who haven't turned pro yet	Final Four
Contributions to popular culture	"Girls Gone Wild!"	The last time Christian Laettner didn't irritate us	Mardi Gras
Favorites	Cirrhosis	Michigan State	Push
It's amazing what some women will do	For two bucks worth of shiny beads	To appear competent in the office pool	Mardi Gras
Overrated	A Hurricane -- liquor's answer to a Cepacol throat lozenge	Kansas	Push
Elimination	The reason you're hugging the porcelain throne	The reason you can finally fly Pitino in for a visit	Push
Red beans and rice	The breakfast of champions	What the coach yells out when he wants you to set an illegal pick	Mardi Gras
Proof of voodoo	You're legally blind from the grain alcohol in the Hand Grenades, yet you make it back to your hotel	Gene Keady's hair	Push
Rebounds	The woman you brought with you to celebrate your divorce	The reason you imported that 7-4 Lithuanian who is actually 39 years old	Mardi Gras
Inexplicable icons	Emeril	Vitale	Mardi Gras

So, there you have it. It's so simple when you break things down scientifically -- in a no-look pass at the girl on the barstool next to you, the advantage goes to Mardi Gras. But hang in there, Final Four; at least you don't have any Bobby Knight press conferences this year.

Until next time, I'm Nick Bakay reminding you the numbers never lie.

Humorist Nick Bakay, currently a writer for the CBS sitcom "King of Queens," is a regular contributor to ESPN The Magazine and Page 2. He has a Web site at http://nickbakay.com.