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Bakay's Tale of the Tape: Flutie vs. Johnson
By Nick Bakay
Page 2 columnist

The early buzz had Rob Johnson packing his bags. But if you've paid any attention to Doug Flutie's career, you know nothing has ever been that easy for the pint-sized pigskin chucker.

The bottom-line here? Winning isn't everything, especially when you're about to turn 39.

Bills fans are no doubt heartbroken, but the die is cast. Time for yours truly to sort through the wreckage: Johnson, Flutie, and the little QB controversy that couldn't ... let's see how they stack up at the Tale of the Tape.

WHICH QB FITS THE BILL?
Category	Johnson	Flutie	Advantage
Hair do's	Thankfully, has avoided the Jon Kitna jail-cut	Miraculously, has kept his, despite his advancing years	Push
Hair don'ts	Circa 1983 Mike Reno/Loverboy headband	Circa 1975 Danny Terrio disco shag	Push.
Mean-spirited song lyrics	"And he breaks just like a little girl ..."	"Short people got no reason ..."	Push, and I'll be the first to admit either one of those guys could kick my soft, doughy butt.
Exile on Main Street	Surfer must make his bones in frozen tundra of Buffalo	Heisman winner must make his bones in a frozen tundra of Edmonton	Johnson -- at least it's the NFL
So good they named it after him	Johnson & Johnson	Flutie Flakes	Flutie. Every little kid looks up to the guy on the cereal box.
Could moonlight as	An extra on "Baywatch"	A lawn dwarf	Johnson
What he can't let go of	The ball, apparently	The resentment of being underappreciated his entire pro career	Flutie -- sometimes resentment is the only way to tell you must be doing something right.
Disadvantages	Playing in the only NFL city that actually fears his good looks	Looking for passing lanes between linemen's legs	Push
Their cross to bear	Goes down more often then Peter McNeeley	Gets dissed more often than a home-plate ump	Push
Next stop	Dancing with .500	The playoffs	Flutie
Now they can relate to	Tom Hanks in "Cast Away"	Anyone who got voted off the Island	Push

So there you have it. It's so simple when you break things down scientifically. This one had more pushes than a girl-fight, but in a broken play that leads to a bootleg touchdown, the advantage goes to Doug Flutie.

Hey, I owe him at least that much for saving the franchise and giving us so many thrills. But hang in there, Rob -- you get the job, and a full 16-game slate, or however many you actually survive behind the Bills offensive line.

Until next time, I'm Nick Bakay reminding you the numbers never lie.

Humorist Nick Bakay, currently a writer for the CBS sitcom "King of Queens," is a regular contributor to ESPN The Magazine and Page 2. He has a Web site at http://nickbakay.com.