"Religions" come in all shapes and sizes. Why, this very website is but one tentacle of a cult whose members choose to sit at home in their underwear and grade out SportsCenter anchors like Mel Kiper Jr. at a scouting combine.

	Guess which city this scene is from?

I personally belong to a "religion" that believes the very best times on Earth are available in the Crescent City, the site of this week's Super Bowl. Any Olympics fans who attend the Winter Games will find themselves in the home office of a very different religion.

Not to say everyone in Utah is a Mormon, or that no one in New Orleans is a teetotaler, but in the immortal words of J.J. Hunsecker, "Are we kids, or what?"

Salt Lake City and New Orleans -- sort of like the Beaver Cleaver and Eddie Haskel of metropolii. Enablement? Repression? Whatever gets you through the night, it's all right.

In the meantime: The Big Easy vs. The Big Teasey -- let's see how they stack up at the Tale of the Tape:

SLC vs. the Big Easy
Category		Salt Lake City		New Orleans		Advantage
Latter Day Saints:		Joseph Smith		Ricky Williams		Push
Polygamy:		An ugly remnant of the past		A savory promise of tomorrow		Salt Lake City
Voodoo:		Convincing the IRS the church shouldn't pay taxes		Sprinkling gris-gris on your enemy's doorstep		Salt Lake City
Oxymorons:		The Utah Jazz		The New Orleans Moderation		Push
Frowned upon:		Caffeine		Sleep		Push
Missionary:		A two-year commitment		A starting position		Push
Garments:		The last wall of defense between you and your naughty place		What the stripper removes during the second song		New Orleans
Popular misconceptions:		Karl Malone works for the U.S. Postal Service		Dr. John is a cardiologist		Push, and for the record, Merlin Olson had nothing to do with the sword in the stone.
Annoying musical dynasties:		The Osmonds		The Marsalis boys		Push
The streets are paved with:		Guilt		Vomit		Push
Typical visitors:		Purists		Tourists		New Orleans
Happy hours:		The 12th of Never		24/7		New Orleans
Sunday activities:		Sitting in a pew		Sitting in your puke		Push
How to see a naked woman:		Propose, then wait five years		Throw 'em some Mardi Gras beads		New Orleans
Funk:		The Mormon Tabernacle Choir sings Snoop Dogg		The meters		New Orleans, although the Tab knocks "Gin 'n Juice" out of the park.
Be afraid if your tickets leave you:		Sitting next to the posse of an athlete from Iran, Iraq, Somalia or any of the 'Stans		Sitting next to one of the Chunky Soup moms		You, and whatever God you choose to recognize
Hot spots:		Abstinence Blvd.		Bourbon Street		New Orleans
Who they had to bribe:		Every Olympic official		Every car dealer in America		New Orleans. Hey, bribe American.

So there you have it. It's all so simple when you break things down scientifically. In a hedonistic frenzy worthy of "Girls Gone Wild," the advantage goes to New Orleans. Biased? You bet, but hang in there, Salt Lake City -- I'm sure I'll regret the whole thing when I wake up with a headache tomorrow.

Until next time, I'm Nick Bakay reminding you: The numbers never lie.

Humorist Nick Bakay, currently a writer for the CBS sitcom "King of Queens," is a regular contributor to ESPN The Magazine and Page 2. He has a website at http://nickbakay.com.