| | | Now my father-in-law is piling on. Is there no respect for the sanctity of The Cooler?
|  | | Ichiro is still smiling and the M's are still cruising out West. |
(Random thought: How come we've been rolling out this little contrived scene on Page 2 for six months and I haven't once invited, or created, a visit from the late great Werner Klemperer, the very originator of the phrase "Schultz, take them to ... THE COOOOOOLER!" as Col. Klink in the old "Hogan's Heroes"? Note to self: When desperate for column device, lean on Klink angle.)
So, anyway, I'm wondering who's going to swing by The Cooler after I've spent another fine weekend ingesting alcohol in front of the big-screen -- staying, in shorts, on the vinyl couch so long that any attempt to get up approximates the sound of duct tape being ripped off.
Who's coming by? Karrie Webb in her bad-look wraparounds? Tiger Woods in his "territorial red," as so pithily observed by Gary McCord? Allen Iverson with a note from his mom, so his pipsqueak frame doesn't get hassled by office security when he tries to come visit me under the fluorescents?
Nope. I'm waiting by The Cooler and here comes my girl, fresh off a convo with her old man. Then she drops this roundhouse on me.
"My dad wants to know if you still think the A's are the best team in the West," she said.
The father-in-law -- with the body blow!
I knew he was jealous when I dedicated the April 29 Cooler to his wife, the one who listens to Dave Niehaus rasp out Mariners wins while she chops up Seattle's finest organic vegetables in between NPR's "All Things Considered" shows. But to dredge up one of my many moronic observations -- I believe my exact words were "The A's will still win the West:" I believe I also had some credibility-smashing nonsense about Ichiro's slap hits getting speared and Sasaki's arm bolting loose from its bearings -- and to throw it in my face ... well, I could respect a man like that.
First, I toasted Pops-in-law with a hoist of the Dixie Cup. I admire a guy who kicks a man when he's down. I mean, gives him a serious, Sonny Corleone-to-Carlo boot in the ribs when he's already gasping for air. Then I pondered the situation:
When I wrote that Ode to Moms-in-Law, the M's were 20-5. They're now 43-12.
|  | | Tiger Woods brought the field to its knees in the final round of the Memorial. |
When I penned that Bold Prediction, the A's were 12 out. They're now 16 out.
Two words, A's fans: wild card.
And nine words, Pops-in-Law: You found me out for the fraud I am.
Hey, you want serious baseball analysis? Stark and Gammons are just a click away.
As for the rest of us baseball fans -- and I'm serious here -- we should dedicate the next month of days as Mariners Awareness Month. No joke. Wake up in the morning, face Northwest, and begin a five-prayer day to a team that features in its starting lineup guys who are such banjo hitters, they could engage in fierce duels with the "Deliverance" kid. I'm talking Stan Javier (.225), Mike Cameron (.243), Carlos Guillen (.242) and David Bell (.233).
So, here's the formula: Dump the greatest shortstop in the history of the game. Dump the guy who's gonna break Hank Aaron's homer mark. Dump the second-best left-handed strikeout pitcher of all-time.
Then win your butt off. Boy, who'd have thought pitching actually mattered?
These guys wouldn't even take Tiger Woods if he wanted to join 'em. Hell, why would they? Charles Gipson's due up next inning, after all.
For the in-laws, for Niehaus, for every salmon-eating baseball fan who is lucky enough to watch the most surprisingly scintillating team of our lifetime ... this List of Five is for you:
1. Tiger, Tiger Burning Bright.
Eldrick Woods entered the fourth round of The Memorial one shot back. He won by seven shots. Paul Azinger, who apologized to Woods for not meeting
the challenge, later said: "He's the most dominant athlete in the history of sports."
|  | | You know Jack Nicklaus would love to get Tiger in the Way-Back Machine. |
I read that, and nearly spit out my Hamm's. I even thought about donning my Babe Ruth T-shirt -- the one that features the Bambino swallowing a hot dog
whole. Then I thought: All right, so 'Zinger's a little premature. Doesn't mean the guy is wrong.
I mean, the way those fellow contenders run screaming when Tiger makes a move -- I haven't seen such a panicky stampede since a Godzilla flick. And these golf tournaments don't even need to be dubbed. Sudden thought: Maybe we could remake those Godzilla flicks and have the monster wear "territorial red" to complete the picture.
2. Another Tiger Thought.
I heard Jack Nicklaus spend the back nine in the CBS booth, spewing platitude after platitude about the Greatness of Eldrick. Come on, Bear. Nice try. You did the right thing, but we all know the truth.
We all know you are dying to get Tiger in the Way-Back Machine, to transport his game back to 1972 for an Open at Pebble without Nike Tour Accuracy balls, without space-age drivers, without that field of quivering children Tiger faces every Sunday. You know it!
Jack wants a piece of El Tigre so bad he can taste it, wants to crouch over a double-breaker 15-footer on 16 at Pebble and bang it home then look the Cablinasian in the
eye as if to say: Hey, kid, you're good, but you're no Palmer. As it is, Jack has to eat a bag of it and hand Tiger his third consecutive Memorial.
Ah, the beauty of sports.
3. The Sixers Get Their Death Wish.
|  | | The Bell tolled for Allen Iverson, but The Answer survived this chest bump. |
Forget Game 7. I was more worried about that chest-bump The Answer got from Raja Bell at the end of the third quarter. As the two collided, I had visions of the 98-pound Iverson getting bumped so hard, he would shoot through the stratosphere like something out of "The Jetsons," space backpack and all, never to be seen again. I thought: Oh, man! And with the Lakers waiting and all!
No matter. It's the Lakes in four anyway. I talked to my Philly buddy -- his name is Philly --and he gave me the whole rundown: "Hey, man. That's why they play the games. Hey, man. Sixers play great team defense. Hey, man. Bring 'em on." OK. They're on. Now you're done.
And the history lesson is so sad, too: 18 years after Big Moses dropped "fo, fo, fo" on American culture, the Lakes will drop a four-spot on Malone's old
squad. But hey! They beat the Bucks and Raptors!
4. Karrie Webb: Why Can't I Get More Fired Up?
The woman has the charisma of Se Ri Pak. I move to ban wraparounds on Tour. Did Hogan wear wraparounds? Did Zaharias wear wraparounds? So Webb's won four
of the last seven women's majors. In all fairness, an awesome feat worthy of Tiger and the Mariners.
|  | | Behind those wraparounds, Karrie Webb had her eyes on a dominating U.S. Open victory. |
I'm just thinking NBC wanted Grace Park in the last group for some reason, but I won't go into it because it's 2001, and I don't want to be crucified for being the Neanderthal I am.
5. Chris Drury: Quietly the Greatest Life of All-Time.
Forget Tiger. Forget Ruth. I want to be Chris Drury. Guy pitches his team to the Little League World Series, now is about to win a Stanley Cup with Colorado. Holy mother of Jim Thorpe! This guy is a god!
I remember when my Little League All-Star team gathered in the summer of 1980. Our coach gathered us around and, I swear he said this: "Guys, this is the beginning
of the road to Williamsport. And I think I'd look pretty good on TV." We got no-hit in our first game and were out.
Contrast that with Drury's life.
When I grow up ... I want to be Chris Drury.
Or a Seattle Mariner. Either one would do.
Brian Murphy of the San Francisco Chronicle writes the "Monday Morning Water Cooler" every week for Page 2. Send this story to a friend | Most sent stories
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