| | | Couldn't wait to get to The Water Cooler this morning.
|  | | David Duval held a share of the lead heading to the 16th hole, but he couldn't avoid the typical Tiger outcome. |
I was still on an Augusta high, and late Sunday night, decided that a couple of my boys -- Lefty and Double D -- could use a top o' the mornin' pick-me-up. So I called their cell phones -- yeah, that's right, I've got the double-secret cellies for Mickelson and Duval -- and left them a simple message: "It's Murph. Water Cooler me. Manaña."
(I learned how to talk cool when I interned in a big movie studio a few years back. Lost the job when I pushed for creative control of "Cutthroat Island." But I digress.)
I knew that, after being run through the Eldrick Ringer, my boys could use a cool cup of H-two-oh and a shoulder to lean on. Plus, I've been known to spike that Dixie Cup with a little splash of the clear stuff.
I turned the corner under the fluorescents to see a visor hanging on a cubicle corner, and a pair of wraparounds on top of The Cooler. Phil and David had their feet up, reading the sports pages. They were devouring every word, and fighting over who would take which sports page on a pit stop in the men's room.
"You guys actually want to relive that?" I said, still dazzled by all that scenery from the National, and from that 68-68 weekend double from Le Tigre.
"Look," Duval said, wresting the USA Today from Mickelson, "we're not stupid. We're millionaires. We have ridiculous game. And yeah, we're as down as can be. My boy Lefty here couldn't sleep so badly, he decided to take his private plane for a whirl around the block last night."
"You still that down, Phil?" I said.
"Mmmghphymm," Mickelson said, staring only at the sports page.
"He ain't talking to any more media, Murph, so give it up," Duval said, before continuing: "So here's our point. We played great. I went 14-under, Lefty went 13-under. Just so happens we have the modern-day equivalent of Jim Thorpe meeting Ben Hogan meeting Michael Jordan meeting Thomas Edison playing golf against us. We have to take time to appreciate this, read about it, soak it in ... "
|  | | Phil Mickelson could only tip his hat to another masterful performance by Woods. |
"Thomas Edison?" I said. "What kind of game did he have?"
"Just talking about genius, Murph," Duval said. "Tiger's getting that kind of aura. Thinking so beautifully, playing so steely, achieving so much."
"Wow," I said. "Duvie, you haven't won a major. You were tied going into 16. You had a chance to stop and reverse golf history, and you're that praiseworthy of Tiger?"
"Don't get me wrong, dude," Duval said. "I'm dying inside, and if you didn't need a column device, we wouldn't be anywhere near here. We'd keep staring at the wall and thinking about playing the Australasian Tour full-time. But come time, we'll appreciate it like this. And you know what? We may even get him a few times. Right, Lefty?"
"Mpghgukkjjm," Mickelson said, reliving those missed par putts.
"Cool," I said to Duval. "And thanks for showing up here when I needed a column device. Now, wanna hear my Weekend List of Five?"
"Sounds great, Murph," an indifferent Duval said, turning his attention back to the sports page. But I'm no millionaire, so I soldiered on:
1. CBS ratings
Oh, to be a CBS executive today. Come feed me grapes and fan me with a palm leaf. I don't even know what the numbers are, but I'm guessing these ratings will be the golf equivalent of the last episode of "MASH," which, by the way, was unspeakably bad.
How bad was Alan Alda's whole act? Oh, wait. I'd better not say anything. Last time I riffed on a Hollywood star, Tony Danza's son e-mailed me, ripped me, and reminded me his old man was a Golden Gloves boxing star from Brooklyn. I'm still not answering any doorbells. Anyway, back to CBS. The Tour begins negotiating with networks for a new contract this summer. Here's an idea: $1 billion a tourney for every event Tiger plays, CNBC for every event Tiger doesn't play.
2. That CBS music
|  | | Tiger Woods now owns all four major championships. |
Unbelievably, Tiger said it would be cool to watch the Masters on tape, because it would seem more real to him when he heard it with "the Masters music, the Augusta music," because the music is "pretty cool." Pretty cool? Well, maybe if you've won four consecutive majors. But there's nothing cool about that music. It sounds like you've called a funeral home and been put on hold: "Hennigan and O'Rourke Mortuary, please hold ..." (enter tinkling piano).
3. Pedro fans 16
What, you think it's all about the Masters? Well, it should be, but Pedro's just about as good at his job as Tiger is at his. Really, they're not that far apart. If Pedro could entirely control his destiny the way Tiger does, instead of having to rely on a bunch of malcontented stiffs (Nomar, of course, we don't mean you), he'd be strutting around the Fens in a green jacket every fourth day.
4. The Sac Kings are in the house!
These guys are about the only thing that'll get me interested in the NBA. The fast break, man! I'm on board. Besides, the end of the Masters means it's almost time to start paying attention to the NBA again. After all, they've only been playing since, um ... November!
5. Tiger: Our final salute
Won't lie. Was standing greenside at 18 on Sunday. About the coolest thing I've seen in sports. What, you wanted me to crack wise? Some things, comrades, transcend smart, failed one-liners.
Brian Murphy of the San Francisco Chronicle writes the "Monday Morning Water Cooler" every week for Page 2. Send this story to a friend | Most sent stories
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