| | | "Brian," the voice said from around the corner, under the fluorescents, "pull me a cold one at The Cooler."
|  | | Ichiromania is running rampant in the Pacific Northwest. |
Brian?
Say what? Nobody calls me Brian. Save, of course, for my Mom, my elementary school teachers and a cop reading from my driver's license on the side of the
road. I'm Murph to friends, Murphy to strangers and "Brian" to a select few, a group that includes my ... mother-in-law?
"My mother-in-law?" I said out loud, gazing at the woman who gave birth to my wife.
Of all the visitors: a 65-year-old former librarian, an NPR-listening, classical music junkie with a voice as soft as a Puget Sound drizzle. At The Cooler? The Cooler is the domain of lunacy. The Cooler is the domain of my boy Johnny, who is still living in Dubai. The Cooler is the domain of sports geeks, co-working slouches and any rogue
celebrity from the sports weekend.
The Cooler is not the domain of my mother-in-law.
That is, until I figured it out.
See, she's retired. She's living near Seattle. She's gone ... well, she's taken up residence in Mariner Mania Marina.
I couldn't believe my eyes. This normally mild-mannered woman was wearing a Rising Sun headband, a No. 29 gamer, a Little League-styled pin featuring a grinning Mike Cameron, and, on the other shoulder, a mug shot of A-Rod ... complete with the circle-slash symbol.
It was some get-up. Especially since, you know, she's an NPR-listening former librarian.
"Sodo mojo," she said simply, signaling for a knuckle-bump.
"Does your daughter know about this?" I said.
"Know?" she said. "Of course she does. I e-mailed her yesterday about how ticked off I am the M's couldn't hang on for the sweep in Comiskey. We're limping out of April!"
|  | | Ichiro Suzuki and the Mariners have jumped out of the box quickly, winning 20 of their first 25 games. |
"With a 20-5 record!? Some limp," I said, filling up a Dixie Cup of Sparkletts for my her, before she asked me to dump the contents in a teal-and-blue coffee mug. "And about this outfit?"
"The headband, sushi-breath, has Japanese characters saying 'Sasaki and Ichiro: Ichi-ban!,' " she said, patiently, as if reading a Harry Potter novel to a group of elementary school kids. "The jersey? My new hero Bret Boone, of course. Some ladies at the gym and I had the Cameron pins made, and as for Alex ... well, he did disappoint us so."
"Well," I said, "at least you haven't gone so far as to take up Sweet Lou's pack-a-day habit."
She hiked up her jersey sleeve to reveal a Nicoderm patch. "I'm starting slow," she said. "It's a long season."
A true believer, I thought to myself. "Well, my dear mother-in-law," I said, "since you're here, that means you get to sit through the Weekend List of Five."
"I heard about this part," she said, knocking back her water and heading for The Safe. "Not worth staying. Besides, the ladies at the gym and I are planning our sleepout for tickets on Tuesday against the Bosox. Pedro's going down, by the way."
She was out the door. I was left with my List:
1. The A's: They stink
Glad my mother-in-law is gone from the building, so I can bust out this fresh angle: The Oakland A's will still win the AL West. That's right, baby. Ichiro's slap hits will start getting speared at the mound. Sasaki's arm is about to fall off. And the A's are still the most talented team in the league.
Besides, I made a pair of bets over the weekend (got odds, of course), that the 12-game deficit will be history by October. And Billy Beane has spent the last two years telling us, without telling us, he's the smartest GM this side of Brian Sabean. And Billy wouldn't lie! Would he?
2. The Portland Trail Blazers: Total dogs
|  | | Scottie Pippen and the Blazers can only hang their heads after getting swept by the Lakers. |
The Rose City is lucky the greatest announcer in sports history -- you know, The Big Redhead/Deadhead -- wasn't calling that Lakers series. The former Blazer would have unloaded on the weak legacy left by this year's finger-pointing, T-grabbing chokers. I'd even wear the bracelet: WWBS -- What Would Bill Say? We could guess:
"Just an atrocious display by a formerly proud franchise! The memory of Dave Twardzik is soiled by this sputtering display of selfishness! I can feel Dr. Jack Ramsay aching at the thought of that once-proud uniform, ruined by this band of clowns! The crowd at the Rose Garden is no doubt surging toward the court to unleash a storm
of boos! I haven't been this upset since the Dead cancelled that show in Timbuktu in '78 because of the bad rice Bobby Weir ate! Oh Lord!"
3. "61*": Not bad
Caught the Crystal flick on Maris and Mantle on Saturday. Gotta love HBO: Went straight from the Springsteen concert flick into a solid baseball movie. (Side note: How about The Boss? I'm fresh off a religious experience with U2 at San Jose Arena, and then I'm reminded of who remains the kick-butt figure in all of rock, especially with that 1-2-3 punch of "Badlands," "When I'm Out on the Street" and "Tenth Avenue Freeze Out." Too bad he didn't win over the crowd, though.)
Anyway, the wife got a good cry out of "61*." She was moved by Maris' plight. I got a little lumpy over Big Mac connecting the generations. Thought Candiotti killed as Hoyt Wilhelm, too. And Thomas Jane and Barry Pepper as the M & M boys? Best lead duo since John Cusack and either record shop employee in "High Fidelity." Well done, Oscar Boy.
4. The Kings take control
Yeah, so I'm interested in that Suns-Sacto series. I see where Game 4 is Wednesday. I see where Game 5, if necessary, would be Sunday. Where is it: Auckland? Those teams could friggin' walk from Sacramento to Phoenix in that time. My problem with the NBA playoffs: The pace of a Bergman film.
5. Scott Hoch wins at Greensboro!
Scott Hoch wins at Greensboro! Oh, wait. Forgot that such news would represent the absolute nadir of the PGA Tour's Q-rating. Don't worry, Nielsen watchers. Eldrick resurfaces week after next. The Tiger Blackout is almost over.
Brian Murphy of the San Francisco Chronicle writes the "Monday Morning Water Cooler" every week for Page 2. Send this story to a friend | Most sent stories
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