| | | Should have known what was up when I turned the corner by The Water Cooler on Monday morning and saw a head cover in the shape of a Tiger lying next to a
crumpled Dixie cup.
|  | | Tiger Woods fell apart with a double-bogey 7 on No. 18 at the Dubai Desert Classic. |
This had Johnny's fingerprints all over it. Before I could say a word, I heard a sound I had heard never before -- like that of the New York City Yellow Pages hitting the ground off a 50-story building. Or the sound of McGwire puring a BP pitch at Wrigley -- with a corked bat.
I stopped dead in my tracks under the fluorescents.
It's not often you get to see the Great Eldrick Woods smashing tee shots into a makeshift net by your workplace Water Cooler.
KABOOM!, the sound went again.
Tiger barely looked up to nod hello. A trickle of sweat rolled underneath his black Nike cap. Back went the backswing and KABOOM! He was setting off car
alarms on the Hyundais in the employees parking lot.
"Tiger Woods?" I gasped. "All the way from Dubai to The Water Cooler?"
"Yep," Woods said, removing the cap and shaking my hand. He has been doing that lately. Like a good golf gentleman. Off with the cap. I like that.
Then he went back to demolishing drives.
KABOOM!
I couldn't fire questions fast enough at the world's top-ranked player.
"How'd you get here? Aren't you beside yourself with dismay after making double-bogey on 18 to lose to Thomas Bjorn? Can I borrow 100 bucks? And where's Johnny?"
Tiger kept his focus. Kept lining up tee shots. Kept blasting into the net.
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Tiger barely looked up to nod hello. A
trickle of sweat rolled underneath his black Nike
cap. Back went the backswing and KABOOM! He was setting off car alarms on the
Hyundais in the employees parking lot. |
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He answered in turn, but his responses hardly sounded like the Great Eldrick. Evidently this victory drought has created a "new" Tiger -- a dude with a completely different take on finishing with anything less than the trophy.
"Beauty of a private jet, bro. And yes, I am disappointed about the loss," he said, starting his backswing, "but I'm also not going to say finishing second is a bad week's work. If you don't know golf, you think second is a loss. In some ways, it is. But in lots of ways, it's a great tournament.
"Didn't you read that Dan Jenkins piece way back where he spotted Arnold Palmer's runner-up U.S. Open medals in a place of honor at Arnie's crib? Second place is good, dude. No shame. And remember, Augusta is still five weeks away."
I could hardly believe what I was hearing.
He dropped down in perfect form to make contact -- KABOOM! The follow-through was perfect. The flawless swing said this was indeed Tiger and not some runner-up imposter.
He reached into his back pocket and flipped me a C-note.
"Make it be the last time you ask, Murphy," he said.
Then, as he placed another range ball on the practice tee, he said: "And Johnny? Johnny's back in Dubai. We left him there. He said he was never leaving."
Johnny? Never leaving Dubai? My boy? The shoeshine guy from the old "Police Squad!" episodes? Say what? Where would I get my Weekend List of Five takes
anymore? I leaned on Johnny!
"He fell in love over there," Tiger said.
"In love?!?" I shouted.
"Bro," Tiger said, "have you seen the talent in the United Arab Emirates? Trust me. Johnny is doing well. He said to give you this."
Tiger produced a crumpled note with the letterhead, "DUBAI DESERT SANDS RESORT: WHERE THE ONLY THING HOTTER THAN THE WEATHER IS OUR BARMAIDS."
"This must be his Weekend List of Five," I said.
"His last one," Tiger said, picking up his range bucket and slinging his Buick bag over his shoulder. "You're on your own after this one, dude. And see you at Augusta."
Tiger winked and headed off to the employee parking lot, where car alarms were ringing. He did not drive away in a Hyundai, I noticed, as I watched out
the window and unfolded Johnny's last note, to read:
"Johnny's Weekend List of Five: Murph, before I begin ... let me say that I am looking forward to a long and prosperous life here in Dubai. You should
see this betty who is feeding me grapes right now, by the way. Anyway, we have satellite dishes pumping in March Madness and the XFL, and kick-ass weather. Besides, Murph, it's time for your own takes. But I will leave you with this quintet, and then ride my camel off to the sunset:
1. Duke-UNC
|  | | If Jason Williams and Duke tangle with Carolina a third time, Murph's betting on the Devils. |
Even the gamblers out here in the U.A.E. were going nuts over Duke's effort on this day, baby. When Jason Williams is raining in 3s and Shane Battier decides you won't get a layup as long as he's within halfcourt of you, these guys look better than the Sixers. Times like that, I want to bet everything on the Devils to go all the way.
Then I look at Carolina. And Stanford. And Iowa State. And those geeky students who somehow think they're the guardians of college basketball's flame. Yo, Duke students: Go take another Kaplan SAT prep course. Daddy's paying. So I'm holding off on any bets.
I will bet this, though: We'll get Duke-UNC III next week in the ACC tourney, and I'm taking the Dookies again. Call it a hunch.
2. Florida Hoops
And then I flip my dish over to see the Gators ball, and holy Billy the Kid, Murph! Why do I have an ACC jones going when the SEC looks to be where it's
at? Steve Spurrier couldn't have this Fla. hoop squad looking any tighter than the way they look right now. This is, officially, no longer a football
school.
Reasons to root for Florida basketball over Florida football: No visors. That's reason enough. I'm buying a Teddy Dupay gamer as soon as I'm done with this. I think they're easy to find in Dubai.
3. UCLA-Stanford
Bottom line, dude: When Stanford decides to roll, ain't but one or two teams in the country who can even hang with 'em. You want to stop Jacobsen and
Mendez outside? Then you best have your derriere covered with the Collins twins inside. And Montgomery has these guys playing ball the right way:
Almost always a good shot, selling out on defense, strong in frontcourt and back ... man, if they weren't such tourney choke artists the past two years,
I'd be driving the bandwagon.
By the way, did you see your boy Walton chilling with John Lithgow during that game? As my boy Sully pointed out, what could Walton have been saying? Maybe, 'It's an absolute outrage that 'Third Rock' won't be back next season. Clearly, NBC is run by CHARLATANS! John Lithgow is brilliant, one reason why 'Harry and the Hendersons' made my Top 10 Films of the Century list!"
4. Joe Durant: The Man
I know I spent the week raging with our guy Eldrick and all, but I couldn't help but get all fired up watching the New Joe D. take care of business at Doral. Hell, Murph, I got so fired up I went out and bought a yellow turban. We thought red was the color to wear on Sunday? Get with Durant and that Arnold Palmer yellow! After the Bob Hope and now this, Ball Strikin' Joe D. is 54-under his last two tourneys and has won his last two starts. Won his last two starts? When's the last time that happened? You got it. Le Tigre.
Durant's atop the money list, thinking Ryder Cup and headed to Augusta -- where he's got all those rednecks in the member's grill named Humpy and Buzzy all freaked out. Awesome.
5. "The Sopranos" is Back
Not a sports take? So what. Quality TV is back, baby. Only so much of that annoying 'Jerri' chick on 'Survivor II' I can take. Just give me good acting
and good writing. That'll get me through a Dubai summer.
And rumor out here is, won't be long before Tony and the Boys head to the U.A.E. to check out the talent. Can't wait!
Until then, I remain, Your Boy --
Johnny"
Brian Murphy of the San Francisco Chronicle writes the "Monday Morning Water Cooler" every week for Page 2.
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