| | | There must be some magic at The Cooler.
|  | | Dude looks like a driver: Steven Tyler tries out Jeff Ward's Aerosmith-sponsored car. |
It's the damndest thing. Every week, I -- your faithful Cooler
keeper, guardian of all lost sports souls in an increasingly meaningless
universe -- search for the right guest to keep your mind off your workplace
for about 90 seconds, which is 90 seconds better than you had when you
showed up to work. The weekly question: Can an American sports weekend
produce a worthy guest in every 48-hour stretch? Sometimes, as you have read in
more painful essays, the answer is no.
Other times, guys like Steven Tyler come along for the
backboard-shattering answer of "Oh, yeah."
Here's the book on Tyler: Tyler has been fronting Aerosmith since
the early '70s. Tyler honestly looks like a chimp. Tyler has poured more
barbituates into his bloodstream than Hunter S. Thompson in a lifetime of
Derby weekends. Even though Tyler looks like a chimp, he fathered one Liv
Tyler, who is hotter than Busch Stadium on an August Saturday. Tyler is a
rock-and-roller and, I imagine, knows nothing about sports. He grew up in
New England, and I imagine he was one of those back parking lot guys in high
school who smoked a little pot, listened to a little Cream and threatened to
beat up all the kids who came to school wearing their Jim Lonborg gamers.
So why, praytell, is Tyler my honored guest at the Cooler?
Because the same man who penned "Love in an Elevator" is now the author of
the sports quote of the year.
Tyler sang the national anthem Sunday at the Indy 500. He was joined on the dais by
Florence Henderson and Jim Nabors. If you don't know who they are, stop
reading. Go back to "3Play." If you do know, check this out. Henderson
sang "America the Beautiful," as is her custom, and Nabors sang, "Back
Home Again in Indiana," as is his.
Tyler then sang, and not only substituted the words "the home of the
Indianapolis 500" for "the home of the brave," he dropped this beauty on
the Associated Press:
"I watched Gomer for most of my teenager years," Tyler said. "And
Florence, well, you know. It's all good."
I repeat: "I watched Gomer for most of my teenage years. And
Florence, well, you know. It's all good."
Rarely does U.S. culture reach a confluence such as it did on Sunday at
the Brickyard; rarely do so many streams of our cultural map mesh into one
giant Mississippi River of a moment. But when Tyler sang at Indy, and
polished off his takes on Gomer Pyle and Mrs. Brady ... well, it's all good.
No wonder this man had the mental acuity to write, in the unforgettable tune
"Dude (Looks Like a Lady)": "She had the body of a Venus/Lord,
imagine my surprise!"
Stevie, this Dixie cup at the Cooler is for you, pal. Thanks for saving a
relatively bland weekend. And thanks for an easy dedication on this three
day weekend's List of Five:
1. That Indy 500
Remember when the good ol' Memorial Day weekend race used to be won by good
ol' boys? By guys named A.J. and Al and Bobby? Now it's turned into a motor
racing Carnaval, and I say that with all due respect to our Brazilian
friends, who can party like no other nation. (No joke. Once, at the '84
Olympics, I went to a Brazil-Canada soccer match at Stanford. The Brazilian
crowd began beating its drum before the game, and the crowd danced and
chanted the full 90 minutes, then out on through the eucalyptus trees of The
Farm. I said to this cat: "Man, you guys partied the whole game!" He
looked at me like I had told him the sangria ran out: "Whole game? At home,
we do this weeks at a time!" But I digress).
Anyway, some cat named Helio Castroneves won the Indy 500. It's no longer an American tradition, people. The
fur-in-ers have sent us to a permanent pit stop. Maybe our boys were
freaked out by those gigantic images of themselves ABC put on the track,
reducing a life-and-death sport to the look of a video game. I know I was,
but then again ABC and ESPN are partners, owned by Disney, which sends me a
monthly check, so I'd better make like Helio and climb the fence out of this
mess.
2. Allen Iverson: Tougher than Week-old Beef Jerky
|  | | You can't question Allen Iverson's toughness or desire. |
For the love of the tailbone, man, that ice pack on Iverson Monday was
bigger than he was. Iverson clocked in at 140 pounds, the icebag at 145.
But the Tattooed One has game. He may go 10-for-32 from the field, but isn't it
a pretty 10-for-32? Never in the field of NBA conflict have so many Sixers
fans owed so much to a man who misses so many.
That is, if you're paying
attention to the rest of that Bucks-Sixers series. These teams are like the
old American Little League teams playing for the right to face those old
Taiwanese teams in the Little League World Series (that is, before we
started checking Taiwanese ID.)
The winner of that series gets to face the
NBA equivalent of that 5-foot-11-inch Taiwanese "12-year-old" who has a curve so
sharp, he can shave with it -- and does. Run up the white flag, boys. It's
Shaq and Kobe's party, and you can cry if you want to.
3. Bucks Fans Boo Their Heroes
Once more, with feeling: You don't want to win this series. Capisce? Besides, what right does a good, beer-swilling Milwaukeean have,
booing the Bucks? Those guys are bringing you your first late May basketball
since Lew Alcindor was raining in hook shots like Lamar Mundane. Boo? Shoot,
you should be sending a case of Meister Brau to George Karl's home!
4. Tony Stewart: Today's Traffic Rage Hero
|  | | Tony Stewart showed how much he really loves driving this weekend. |
Guy drives 500 miles at Indy, gets in a helicopter, drives 600 miles in
Concord, N.C. Thank God he can do it without listening to American morning
radio. Think he flipped anybody off?
Shoot, these days, I can't go five blocks
to the local supermarket without flying so many birds, my car resembles an
aviary.
5. Lakers Courtside Action
Even after all these years, it never disappoints. The traditional,
fourth-quarter NBC pan of the camera on the stars: Jack, as likeable as
ever. Spielberg, discussing with a seatmate how to conduct all future
transactions only in multiples of hundreds of millions. Dyan Cannon,
chilling with Mike Tyson ... whoa.
Wait.
Read that last one over again. That's an American cultural moment worthy of the Tyler-Henderson-Nabors Confluence. Dyan Cannon has gone from shagging Cary Grant in the '60s to
hanging with Iron Mike in the '00s? That's almost too much to handle, though
we will say that Iron Mike's cameo in "Black and White" was the most
overlooked since Burt Reynolds in "The Player."
Maybe Dyan should invite Steve Tyler to her seat for the Finals -- I may need another Cooler idea.
Brian Murphy of the San Francisco Chronicle writes the "Monday Morning Water Cooler" every week for Page 2. Send this story to a friend | Most sent stories
|
|
|
