| | | Referees are used to enduring the sort of abuse normally reserved only for child pornographers and telephone solicitors, but this season has been ridiculous. It's not enough that celebrity fans rage out of control (Jimmy Buffet, just off the beach from Margaritaville) and team owners shower the court with criticism (Mavericks owner Mark Cuban, at $500,000 in fines and counting), now Bobby Knight is back.
|  | | Rasheed Wallace is on another record-setting pace for technical fouls this season. |
And then there is Portland forward Rasheed Wallace, as persistent an
irritant to NBA refs as an IRS agent pouring over an expense report.
Wallace is, how shall we put this, a tad "emotional." After setting the league record for technical fouls last year with 38, he matched that mark last week. He also matched last year's total with six ejections, including one for throwing a towel at a referee that led to a two-game suspension.
Apparently, that offseason anger-management clinic with Bobby Knight,
Albert Belle and Joe Pesci failed to produce the desired results.
So while fans in Tennessee eagerly await next year's games between the
Memphis Grizzlies and the Memphis Hornets, Portland fans wonder what can be done to get Wallace on his best behavior before the playoffs begin.
Portland coach Mike Dunleavy says he's talked to Wallace about curbing his anger more times than he can count, to no effect. Which isn't surprising given that Wallace says he doesn't care what anyone thinks, unless they are part of his "inner circle." Unfortunately for the Blazers, this circle does not include either Wallace's coach or teammates.
How do you solve a problem like Rasheed? Through these standard behavior modification techniques:
1. Positive reinforcement: Rather than harp on the negative, encourage
Wallace by rewarding good behavior. For instance, say things like, "That was really good how you missed the referee when you spit at him."
|  | | The threat of having to listen to Bjork sing "I've Seen it All" again might reduce Wallace's technicals. |
2. Negative reinforcement: Punish bad behavior so severely that Wallace will be forced into cleaning up his act. For instance, for every technical called on him, Wallace must sit and watch Oscar-nominee Bjork sing "I've Seen It All" again.
3. Transfer his anger to nonverbal expression: For instance, rather than yelling at referees, Wallace could show disgust about a call and remain fashionably hip by tattooing any critical comments on his body.
4. Threats: Make him fear the repercussions of his action. One more ejection this season and the NBA sends him to China's military-run Bayi Rockets as compensation for Wang Zhizhi. Two more ejections and he ends up in Memphis with the Grizzlies or the Hornets, whichever team gets there first. Three more ejections and he goes to Washington to play with the Wizards.
5. Medication: Mellow him out before games with Moby tapes and some of those funny cigarettes J.R. Rider left behind the Blazers locker room.
And if none of that works, it might be time to get really tough. Not to be too gruesomely specific, let's just say it involves a dove and a Randy Johnson fastball.
Jim Caple is a regular contributor to Page 2.
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