| | | A friend once described a date of his by telling me he got to second base.
He then paused and asked sincerely, "Just what is getting to second base, anyway?"
|  | | Even if it's true, don't tell your date she resembles David Wells. |
I told him I wasn't sure, but that I thought it had something to do with a
bra. But then again, what do I know? Asking a sportswriter for sexual advice
is like writing to Dan Savage for tips on throwing a cut fastball.
No wonder Valentine's Day can be such a lonely time for sportswriters,
particularly those whose only claim to a romantic encounter during the past
year was receiving the AnnaKournikova virus.
In fact, since most sportswriters and fans seldom get further than the
batter's box, to better describe our romantic lives we need fuller, more
accurate baseball metaphors than the traditional, "Getting to first base,
second base, third base and scoring." So just in time for Valentine's Day
and the opening of spring training, we offer you this new and improved
sports-romance lexicon ...
Foul popup: Going out on a first date and bringing up the fact that you're
only 12 points out of first place in your XFL fantasy league.
Catcher's interference: Taking a first date to a restaurant and
saying, "I'm picking up on some pretty special vibes between us. So, go
ahead, it's on me. Super-size it."
Twin-killing: Telling your date that you have missed only two child support
payments since selling off your baseball card collection.
Sacrifice bunt: Advancing your best friend into scoring position by agreeing
to a double-date with a person who has a great personality and doesn't sweat
much for a fat person.
Midsummer classic: Scoring a date with someone who doesn't mind listening
to the game on the way to the drive-in to see an Adam Sandler film festival.
Passed ball: Taking your date to an Adam Sandler film festival.
Stranding a runner in scoring position: With the lights low, the couch
beckoning and your date feeling amorous, you bark, "I don't care what Peter
Gammons says. I think Bud Selig is really giving Pete Rose a raw deal."
Foul territory: The area within a Louisville Slugger of your date's
body after you say, "You know, from a certain angle, you look a little like
David Wells."
Rain delay: Having nothing to say after your date says baseball is silly and
boring, that this country places entirely too much importance on sports and
that it's an absolute disgrace that Alex Rodriguez is making so much money
when teachers are paid so little.
Rainout: After staring stupidly at your fork and saying nothing for 20
minutes, you finally counter with, "You're right. I think A-Rod is getting
too much, too. Especially when you compare his contract to Derek Jeter's."
Hit by pitch: After an agonizing wait, you finally summon the courage to ask
that cute cubicle-mate out on a date and her response is, "That's really
funny. But, seriously, what is this important thing you
wanted to talk to me about? Is the copier out of toner again?"
Balk: Turning down an overnight trip to the Napa Valley with someone because you have an APBA tournament that same weekend.
Bullpen: What your date considers all those smiling, attractive people standing by the bar.
Wild pitch: At the end of an oddly promising date, you ask your date to come
inside and look at your collection of bobble-head dolls, including "a
limited edition 1998 Sammy Sosa in near-mint condition."
And finally ...
On-deck circle: Where you keep your copies of the Sports Illustrated
swimsuit issue, the new Victoria's Secret catalogue and the latest issues of Baseball America.
Jim Caple of the Seattle Post-Intelligencer is a regular contributor to ESPN.com's baseball coverage and Page 2. Send this story to a friend
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