| | | The NBA has gone and jumped in a Lake for the summer. The NHL put a Bow-rque on its season. The U.S. Open's Goose is cooked.
|  | | John Rocker has taken his fastball and controversial personna to Cleveland. |
What's a guy to do for a Water Cooler guest? Even the P.R. people at WUSA weren't returning my calls. I guess it didn't help that I was leaving messages under the name "Prince Albert in a Can."
But just like any big-time athlete, all I need is a break to get things going my way.
O, sweet transaction wire, thou art my break: John Rocker, traded to Cleveland.
John Rocker, hereby invited to The Cooler.
I pulled a pair of Sparkletts for me and the Rockhead, and began boning up on possible greetings.
Like, "Dude, you were completely misunderstood," or "Dude, aren't you bummed Archie Bunker died? Are you gonna wear, like, a black armband or something?" or "Yo quiero Taco Bell. Y tu?"
I knew he was coming soon, 'cause Charlie Manuel just cruised by in that bad cutoff windbreaker he wears and used the boss' phone to get the bullpen warm. Rocker couldn't be far behind.
What could we talk about? How he was able to tick off the entire Braves clubhouse, a place about as intense as an insurance company? How, one year later, he's still known for his mouth and not his hoppin' left gun? How sad it is that you can write the first paragraph of his obituary already, and that you will use the words "alienated" and "comments" and "immigrants" and "Sports Illustrated" in that first paragraph?
This is all beside the fact that giving the Tribe a shutdown closer makes them a lock to pass the Happiest Team Inside a Dome, the plucky Minnesota Twins.
So where is Rocker, anyway? It has been a few minutes now since Manuel called down and ...
Wait, why is that bathroom door swinging open?
Wait, what's that rumbling down the hall?
Wait, why are my 1/8-inch-thick cubicle walls shaking?
|  | | Carroll O'Connor's "Archie Bunker" ranks as one of the funniest characters in TV history. |
Wait, why is a man with bulging eyes in a full Cleveland Indians jersey running straight at it and -- BAM!
... Straight through it! ...
... And straight through the office, knocking over Raquel in Receiving and -- BAM!
... Straight through a plate glass window ...
... Into the parking lot and off into the horizon.
I gaped at the damage. A full outline of a 6-foot-4 man was cut out of my cubicle wall. It was as if Wile E. Coyote had run through a mountain of rock.
(Or was it Road Runner? Wile E. would get slammed, right?)
Rocker even knocked over the Dixie cup, and spilled water on the 8x10 of Jesse Jackson I was gonna ask him to sign.
I pulled myself a new cup, pulled out my Weekend List of Five and sighed.
"Rocker coming out of the pen," I said, crumpling his Dixie, "total nutbag."
The List of Five:
1. Karrie Webb: Australian for Tiger Woods
|  | | Eat your heart out, Tiger! Karrie Webb has won five of the last eight majors. |
Wait. We can't even compare Krushing Karrie to Eldrick. After all, Webb wins the majors she plays in! (I know, Tiger: How fast we forget.) So the woman has the charisma of a vegemite sandwich. She can play, baby. She's won five of her last eight majors, and while Tiger has won five of his last seven, he hasn't won two this year like our girl.
And Webb's tribute to her Granddad was enough to turn you off of the Buick Classic and wonder why we don't spend more time worshipping Karrie's game and less time staring at J.P. Hayes. I know Rocker would agree. Especially after seeing Hayes' gut.
2. Golf weather
Speaking of J.P. Hayes -- hey, can we squeeze in a tournament by Sunday, fellas? Ever heard of a dome? If it's good enough for Cristian Guzman, it should be good enough for Scott Hoch. Outdoor golf -- man, that is so Bobby Jones.
3. Bret Boone: Better living through chemistry
Isn't it sad that a guy can't go to his fourth team in four years, can't come within four of his season-best homer total by June 24 and can't come within 17 RBIs of his career best by the same date without the whole world thinking he's taking more steroids than Lou Ferrigno after getting called a pantywaist at the 1974 Mr. Olympia contest?
|  | | Bret Boone's numbers might seem to good to be true ... but they're real, people! |
(Am I the only guy who saw "Pumping Iron"? Phenomenal slice of subculture, as is the epic, hilarious tome "Muscle: Confessions of an Unlikely Bodybuilder," by Sam Fussell, the best-written book this side of "Lolita." Do yourself a favor and read it. But I digress.)
So anyway, Bret: Cheers, pal! Keep on slugging!
4. Rocker goes mum
So, I won't take his Cooler diss personally. I know that's how he warms up and all, but then I saw he wasn't talking to the press until after the Yankees series. What? Are you kidding me?
Does anybody else see the hilarity -- not irony, a mostly misused word -- of a guy who hates pinko Commies taking an anti-free speech tack last seen endorsed by the KGB in Pravda's how-to manuals passed out in the Brezhnev Era?
Johnny, baby, this is the U.S. of A! You're making obscene gobs of cash! Honor your contract, pal -- the one that says cooperation with the media is part of the deal! Or else we'll buy an oil painting of Yuri Andropov and send it to your locker over at the Jake.
5. Boy, da way Glenn Miller played ...
It's not sports, but really, people, did you ever believe The Cooler was about sports? No, dear reader, The Cooler is about putting its finger on the pulse of Americana, only to learn that it is irregular and in need of a checkup.
But again, we digress. The Cooler sends out a warm and fond "Shut up, youse!" to the memory of Carroll O'Connor, the best and funniest TV character this side of early Trapper John played by Wayne Rogers (can't beat the kimono and martini combo). We figured Archie for a Mets/Jets guy; a guy who grew up Yankees/Giants but switched sides when he moved out to Queens. He'd have been on Piazza's side with Clemens, and he'd have loved Fireman Ed on Monday nights.
We'll place this last Dixie Cup by your well-worn armchair, Mr. Bunker, and call it a day.
Brian Murphy of the San Francisco Chronicle writes the "Monday Morning Water Cooler" every week for Page 2. Send this story to a friend | Most sent stories
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