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		Paralysis by analysis By Brian Murphy Special to Page 2

			I wanted to make it to The Water Cooler today. I really did. From the moment Michael Vick was chosen with the No. 1 pick, The Murph's eyes began to glaze over. I thought maybe Michael Vick had gotten my page, and he would show up, replete with the XXL Falcons mesh jersey I had requested. I had faxed Reggie Miller, and knew the fellow Bruin might drop by for a Dixie cup. I had even called Lennox Lewis' cell, and thought maybe a video game of "Asteroids" on my cubicle computer might get his mind off his trouble. But I let down any and all visitors to The Cooler. Because, dear reader, I could not even get out of bed. Flat out, couldn't answer the bell. Straight up, a no-show. You wonder why? For the love of the Felt Forum, man, that NFL draft! The TV screen overloaded with information! The running ticker! The fan polls! The drenching of my brain, forcing me to wear out the exclamation point button on my laptop! It was an unforgettable moment in Western Civilization, that draft. If only Eisenhower had access to the kinds of information the TV screen showed me on Draft Day. The Normandy Invasion would have been as simple as a pickup football game: "Yo, Bradley, take a left at Utah Beach. The Germans tested weak on that side at the combine." If Ike could have had such dope on defenses, strategies, tactics ... Lord, "Saving Private Ryan" would never have been made. It would have been like Kurt Warner taking on the Browns secondary. I couldn't move all morning. My eyes were bleeding from the fourth round on. You think I kid. Try putting gauze on your eyeballs, then get back to me. I tried to speak when the pizza delivery man came to my door, and all I could blurt out, in pre-Neanderthal grunts, was: "When will Weinke go?" His simple response: "Uh, dude, it's $14.99." My mother called, and I hung up on her: Hell, man, Billy Devaney was giving a take on Drew Brees. Priorities, people! In a cold sweat Saturday night -- what, you think it's easy waiting 15 hours between Rounds 3 and 4? -- a vision came to me. I think it's the only place our sporting society can turn, and it is a simple, yet profound, concept: Minimalist Draft Coverage. Imagine there's no Joel Buchsbaum. It's easy if you try. Nothing to scout or measure. Above us only sky. This is not a rip on my fair employers. It's not their fault. If it weren't ESPN, it'd be CSPAN. If not CSPAN, MTV. Hi, I'm Sarah from Secaucus, and I want the Jets to take LaDainian Tomlinson 'cause he is sooooo hot! Hasim Rahman, left, might become a household name after knocking out Lennox Lewis on Saturday night. Next year, the only place the NFL can turn is No Coverage at all. A weekend of blackout, followed by a Monday morning dispatch of who was drafted. Oh, the clarity. Oh, the simplicity. Oh, how wrong I am. I mean, for the love of Clairol, what would Mel Kiper, Jr. do? Which reminds me, The Weekend List of Five: 1. The god that is Mel Kiper Jr. Do you think Alan Greenspan knows more about the world economy than Kiper knows about football players? I really, honestly, don't think so. I think Kiper might know more about this subject than anybody in the history of the world knows about anything. You can only sit back and gape. And what kind of Cooler would this be if we didn't talk about The Hair. My Lord, what a lid. You know what? It's such an entity, I can't even rip that hair. I have to respect the hair! It's that epic. But you have to wonder: At 7 a.m., just out of the rack, what does it look like? If you could send a National Enquirer photog to Kiper's neighborhood and snap an early morning robe shot of Kiper getting the morning paper off his driveway, what wonders would lay in store? Would it look like two squirrels leg-wrestling? Awesome. Melvin, I salute you. 2. Bill Walton I've ripped the NBA all year. But I dig the NBA playoffs. There is no greater disparity between a sport's regular season and playoffs than in the NBA. The playoffs are cool, and one reason is The Big Deadhead behind the mike. He cares so much, it's hilarious. I heard Walton doing Indiana-Philly, and his riff on Travis Best -- mind you, this is Game 1 of the first round -- was so passionate, I wanted to fly to Philly and kiss Best's high-tops. "A courageous, heroic performance!" Walton raved over what was an essentially meaningless effort, in the grand scheme of things. Hell, if Eisenhower had men like Travis Best, we'd have been in Berlin in no time! Manny Ramirez did some serious damage in the Bronx this weekend. 3. The Rams' draft So the Best Offense Ever just loaded up with kick-butt, young defensive studs. Jane, get me my bookie. Put it all on the TWA boys to go all the way. 4. Manny Ramirez Can we stop for a moment and just declare this guy A Force of Nature? I would honestly challenge Babe Ruth himself to give more productive ABs than Manny. I was watching "El Duquecito" work his big-league debut with relative ease on Saturday, 'til Manny disgraced him by taking a pitch so far into the stratosphere, it hit Anthony Jr. at Verbum Dei High down in Newark. Walks, bombs, RBIs: This guy is the best hitter you will ever see. Like I'm breaking news here. Just wanted to give the guy some Cooler Love. 5. Down goes Lewis! Down goes Lewis! Oh, if only the Toupeed One was there in South Africa to see Lennox Lewis get KO'd by a guy whose name I can't even come up with right now. And stop. If you know who the guy was -- Rashar Hakim, Hakim Rashar, Hakeem Olajuwon? -- then you have Bert Sugar's 8x10 glossy over your home computer. I don't know the Sweet Science. I just know that Lewis was so unconcerned with his opponent, he has been filming the remake of "Oceans Eleven" in Vegas instead of training. Lennox. Come on, man. Francis Albert would be disgusted. And if you're gonna remake a Sinatra flick? It's gotta be "The Manchurian Candidate." Solid. In fact, I think I just figured out how to pass my Monday away from the Cooler. Brian Murphy of the San Francisco Chronicle writes the "Monday Morning Water Cooler" every week for Page 2. Send this story to a friend | Most sent stories		hit the cooler  ALSO SEE: Murphy: A-Rod very A-fraid Murphy: Humbled by a genius Murphy: Opening Day, America's greatest cultural achievement Murphy: Same old story for old Owl Chaney Murphy: Go West, young man! Murphy: Bjorn again in U.A.E. Murphy: A toast to The Intimidator Murphy: Art of Lickliter draws sympathy Murphy: Smile, you're on the XFL cameras Murphy: XXXV takes on XXXV Murphy: Bye week blues Murphy: Super nightmare AUDIO/VIDEO  Ed Werder can't get Drew Brees to take the bait. wav: 229 k RealAudio: 14.4 | 28.8 | 56.6
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