Cap'n Jimmy's Fun Page II
By Jim Caple
Page 2
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Cap'n Jimmy's Fun Page II By Jim Caple Page 2 | ||||
Hey kids! Got a sore elbow from too many Little League curveballs? Shin splints from running too much? A burning sensation when you urinate? Gout? Cap'n Jimmy's very own sports medicine specialist, Dr. David Wells, can give you a discreet and professional diagnosis!
My shoulder has been hurting ever since last fall but the doctors can't seem to find anything wrong with it. I don't think I should be pitching, but my new team traded some front-line players for me and they want me to play. What should I do? Mike in Toronto Like I'm supposed to feel sorry for you? Hey, it's not my fault you're living in Canada with that retarded socialized medicine system and you can't get an appointment with a real doctor until 2008. Personally, I wouldn't trust my dog to those "doctors," even if I could get in. My advice is to either move to the United States and see a competent doctor or take plenty of Advil, suck it up and keep pitching. Frankly, I don't care what you do, just leave me the hell alone. Dr. Wells, Thanks to an intense offseason workout routine, I'm in the best shape of my life. My body fat is down to 2 percent and I can run a sub-three hour marathon! My problem is a sore tendon in my right wrist. The doctors say I should have surgery on it but that would mean I would miss the season's first four months? What do you think? Benched in Beantown Don't give me this stupid "conditioning" crap. That stuff may impress those skinny bottled-water-drinking chicks in the jog bras and the bicycle shorts but it doesn't prepare you for a real sport. You think just because you have flat abs that you're in great shape? Well, let me tell you something. You don't throw baseballs with your stomach, buster. You don't need surgery, pal, unless you just want some cush time on the DL. If you want to get your wrist back in shape, try some 12-ounce curls. It will put some hair on your chest. Maybe. Dr. Wells, I'm just about recovered from a sore elbow and I want to know if you have any tips for avoiding future injury? Nagy-ing Elbow in Cleveland If you're in Cleveland, you've got more problems than a sore elbow, buddy. I don't know what to tell you. Personally, I would move to a real city as soon as I could get the U-Haul backed up to the house. But whatever you do, don't take a chance by letting any Cleveland quacks look at your arm. I wouldn't put it past those backward hillbillies to stick leeches on your elbow. Dr. Wells, I dived on my side a couple weeks ago and now I have a pain in my biceps that won't go away. My teammates say it's no big deal but do you think I should be cautious and have an orthopedic do an MRI? Hurting Big in Chicago For crissakes, wimps like you drive us doctors crazy. You whine about every little ache and pain, clogging up our waiting rooms and driving up insurance rates for everyone. Your teammates are right. There's nothing you need beyond a little testosterone. So take two Moprin, get burped by your nurse, suck it up and get your pansy butt out on the field. And quit bugging me. Click here to go on to part 3 of Cap'n Jimmy's Fun Page.  Send this story to a friend | Most sent stories |
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