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Two stars, one house,
endless sitcom plots
By Jim Caple
Page 2

(News item: Charles Barkley says he plans to move in with Michael Jordan while the two train for a possible return to the NBA ...)

The Odd Couple
[OPENING CREDITS SCROLL OVER SHOTS OF JORDAN AND BARKLEY LEAVING THEIR APARTMENT AND WALKING THE STREETS OF CHICAGO. CREDITS END WITH JORDAN LOOKING ON IN DISGUST AS BARKLEY SPITS ON A PEDESTRIAN.]


	Neat freak Michael Jordan won't be a big fan of picking up Charles Barkley's dirty laundry.

VOICE OVER: On April 20, 2000, Charles Barkley was asked to remove himself from his place of residence on the Houston Rockets' bench. That request came from his knees. Deep down, Barkley knew his body was right. But he also knew that someday he would shed 80 pounds and return to the NBA. With nowhere to go, Barkley appeared at the home of his former Dream Team teammate, Michael Jordan. Sometime earlier, Jordan had left his team, though Bulls fans begged that he return as soon as possible.

Can two former NBA superstars share the same apartment without driving each other crazy?

[EPISODE OPENS AS JORDAN ENTERS BARKLEY'S BEDROOM, A ROOM THAT LOOKS AS IF HIT BY A TORNADO OR RASHEED WALLACE. JORDAN WINCES AT SOME AWFUL SMELL, THEN LOOKS AT THE BED STREWN WITH DIRTY CLOTHES, BEER BOTTLES, BANANA PEELS AND PIZZA BOXES. HE CAUTIOUSLY SHAKES A MOUND AT THE TOP OF THE BED.]

JORDAN: C'mon, Charles. Time to wake up and train. I made croissants and fresh-squeezed guava nectar. Charles? Charles?

[HE JUMPS IN SHOCK WHEN HE SEES HE IS SHAKING BARKLEY'S RIGHT FOOT. BARKLEY POPS HIS HEAD OUT FROM THE FOOT OF THE BED!]

BARKLEY (groggy): What the hell time is it?

JORDAN: 4:30. We're late.

BARKLEY: That better be 4:30 p.m., Michael, or I swear, you're the next person I toss through a plate glass window.

JORDAN: Charles, Charles, Charles. How are you going to get back in shape if you insist on living like this? When did you last wash this sock -- when McHale still played the post? And did something crawl into your shoes and die? You know, if you just call up Phil Knight, he'd FedEx a dozen pairs of shoes so we could toss out these stinking old things. What kind of a role model are you when you can't even pick up after yourself?


	Jordan and Barkley have shared tight spaces before.

BARKLEY: I'm not a role model. I lived this way for 16 years when I was in the NBA. Just do me a favor and leave me alone.

JORDAN (leaving the room): All right, Charles. Let it be on your head.

BARKLEY: What do you mean, "Let it be on my head?" Let what be on my head? Why does he always say that? Boy, I knew I should have moved in with J.R. Rider.

[SOUND OF JORDAN MAKING HONKING NOISES TO CLEAR HIS SINUSES. BARKLEY ATTEMPTS TO SMOTHER HIMSELF WITH HIS PILLOW.]

[FADE TO COMMERCIAL.]

Three's Company
[OPENING CREDITS SCROLL OVER SCENES OF JORDAN AND BARKLEY RIDING A TWO-SEAT BIKE ALONG LAKE MICHIGAN, THEN FALLING OFF WHEN THEY ARE DISTRACTED BY OPRAH RUNNING BY.]

VOICE OVER: Come and knock on our door! We've been waiting for you! Where the kisses are hers and hers are his, Three's Company, too!

[EPISODE OPENS WITH THE SOUND OF SOMEONE POUNDING ON THE DOOR. BARKLEY RUSHES TO ANSWER IT AND IT'S MR. ROPER!]

BARKLEY: Mr. Roper! What a surprise! Michael! It's Mr. Roper! We were just about to leave for practice. What can we do for you?

MR. ROPER (eyeing him suspiciously): I want you two out of here.


	Barkley limped out of the NBA in 2000, but MJ hopes to help him come back strong.

JORDAN (rushing to door): Why, Mr. Roper? What did we do?

MR. ROPER: You know. I had my suspicions about you two all along, but this finally confirms it. How do you explain these being in your laundry basket?

[HE HOLDS UP PAIR OF BLACK-LACE PANTIES, A BRA AND A LEATHER BUSTIER.]

DENNIS RODMAN (walking by on way from his bedroom): Oh! I was wondering where I left those.

MRS. ROPER (motioning with her finger from Rodman's room): Dennnnnissssss ...

[MR. ROPER DOES OUTRAGED DOUBLETAKE. FADE TO COMMERCIAL.]

Friends
[OPENING CREDITS SCROLL ACROSS SHOTS OF JORDAN, BARKLEY, PHIL JACKSON, SCOTTIE PIPPEN, STEVE KERR AND LUC LONGLEY DANCING AROUND FOUNTAIN OUTSIDE THE UNITED CENTER.]

VOICE OVER: So no one told you life was gonna be this way (four claps). You're job's a joke, you're broke, your love life's DOA. It's like you're always stuck in second gear. When it hasn't been your day, your week, your month or even your year ...

[EPISODE OPENS ON JORDAN AND BARKLEY, SLUMPED ON COUCH IN THEIR APARTMENT, WATCHING TV.]

BARKLEY: You know the only thing better than watching "Baywatch?"

JORDAN: You mean other than hitting a jumper at the buzzer in Utah to cap your sixth world championship?

BARKLEY (glaring): I was thinking more along the lines of watching it while drinking beer.

JORDAN (suddenly leaping to his feet): Oh, my God! I just remembered! I'm supposed to get married in England today to my friend's sister even though my other friend knows another friend is secretly in love with me only she can't tell me because she's about to deliver triplets out of wedlock and none of us have jobs but we live in great big, spacious apartments and it's all incredibly awkward but funnny!

BARKLEY: What? Again?

[FADE TO COMMERCIAL.]

Jim Caple is a senior writer for ESPN.com.