Mr. Claus opens up his annual wish-list mailbag to reveal what some sports personalities are dreaming of this holiday season ... and then lets us in on what they'll actually be unwrapping on Christmas morning.
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| Santa gots to make time for the ladies -- he can't be takin' requests. |
Who: Shawn Kemp
What He Wants: "A return to All-Star status as one of the elite power forwards in the NBA, and the return of the McRib sandwich"
What Santa's Getting Him: A.C. Green's "It Ain't Worth It!" abstinence video
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Who: Hubie Brown
What He Wants: "The No. 1 pick in the 2003 NBA draft, an assortment of sugar-free hard candies, and a boudoir photo of Bea Arthur"
What Santa's Getting Him: Dockers Khakis with Stain Defender (for those nights he can't hold it until halftime)
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Who: Marty Mornhinweg
What He Wants: "The Worst-Case Scenario Survival Handbook"
What Santa's Getting Him: Clue -- not the classic detective game, the actual human sense of perception
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| "Divine Secrets of the Ya Ya Sisterhood" probably isn't on his Netflix list. |
Who: Hootie Johnson
What He Wants: "A ban on all female members at Augusta National, including Big Bertha; and a Martha Burk voodoo doll"
What Santa's Getting Him: Orchestra seats to "The Vagina Monologues"
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Who: Don King
What He Wants: "A stupendilicious boutification of monumentalized proportioness between Lennox Lewis and Mike Tyson"
What Santa's Getting Him: Remedial Mad Libs
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Who: Darryl Strawberry
What He Wants: "Rehabilitation, early parole, and a shot at redemption"
What Santa's Getting Him: A limited-edition of Whitney Houston "Crack is Whack" logo T-shirt (made from hemp)
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Who: Rafael Palmeiro
What He Wants: "I just want to keep Pudge. It's imperative that I don't lose Pudge."
What Santa's Getting Him: Richard Carlson's "Don't Sweat the Small Stuff"
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Who: Rasheed Wallace
What He Wants: "A lifetime supply of Ziploc brand bags and University of Arizona tight end Justin Levasseur's cell phone number"
What Santa's Getting Him: A coupon for an order of Denny's "Moons Over My Hammy"
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| C'mon Tonya, it's nothing a little video poker can't fix. |
Who: Tonya Harding
What She Wants: "New muffler and brake pads for my home"
What Santa's Getting Her: $50 in Camel Cash
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Who: Martha Burk
What She Wants: "A woman admitted into Augusta National by year's end, the Star-Spangled Banner replaced with Gloria Gaynor's 'I Will Survive,' and all nighttime sporting events lit entirely by vanilla-scented candles"
What Santa's Getting Her: VHS copy of seminal 1985 comedy, "Just One of the Guys"
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Who: Mike Piazza
What He Wants: "Anything but fruitcake. I just don't like fruitcakes, not that there's anything wrong with them."
What Santa's Getting Him: A year's subscription to the New York Post.
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Who: William "Refrigerator" Perry
What He Wants: "A lucrative reunion tour with my innovative rap group, The Chicago Bears Shufflin' Crew"
What Santa's Getting Him: Keyboardist Gary Fencik's "Live at Red Rocks" CD
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Who: Mike Tyson
What He Wants: "I want to eat his [Lenox Lewis'] children and stomp on their testicles. I want to rip out his [Lennox Lewis'] heart and feed it to him."
What Santa's Getting Him: Fondue set
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| No, you can't go into the hall wearing a Phamacia Tijuana cap. |
Who: Jose Canseco
What He Wants: "Induction into the Hall of Fame and a little rent money from Ozzie"
What Santa's Getting Him: Personalized, state-of-the-art bobblehead doll, complete with rampant acne and a bloody nose
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Who: Mark Madsen
What He Wants: "The best-selling Louis V. Gerstner book, 'Who Says Elephants Can't Dance?' and a date with a Laker girl"
What Santa's Getting Him: Tina Yothers, star of the 1990 made-for-TV movie, "Laker Girls"
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Who: Dan Marino
What He Wants: "A multi-million dollar contract extension with HBO's 'Inside The NFL'"
What Santa's Getting Him: Isotoner gloves
Eric Immerman is a contributing comedy writer to ESPN The Magazine and "The Late Late Show with Craig Kilborn." His material also has been featured on Laugh.com. He can be reached at eimmerman@hotmail.com
