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The world according to sports movies
By Eric Immerman
Special to Page 2Can you imagine a world that was exactly like a sports movie? It's easy if you try.
Here's how life would be different if Hollywood ruled the world of athletics:
In preparation for all title fights, it's necessary to train at least one day on a secluded beach.
|  | | If boxers don't train on secluded beaches, they're sure to be followed by a mob of joggers. |
Jogging is extremely infectious. Once exposed, everyone in your immediate surroundings will drop whatever it is they're doing and follow you for the duration of your run.
The "pump fake" is the most unstoppable, indefensible move in basketball. Even the most disciplined defensive player will leap wildly in the air at the very suggestion of a pump fake.
Despite salary-cap concerns and roster restrictions, all NFL teams opt to carry at least one wide receiver with a penchant for dropping balls, just so long as he's consistently funny.
In Texas and Indiana, fathers and town sheriffs are routinely given the afternoons off by their employers so they may watch high school football and basketball practices.
Beloved coaches and trainers are inclined to suffer strokes or heart attacks just days prior to championship games.
During the fourth quarter of hotly contested football games, a mammoth, Samoan offensive lineman will vow to protect his quarterback at all costs.
|  | | All professional sports teams would be owned by attractive young blondes. |
If you are a blonde, attractive, abrasive woman who has a cute little dog, it's safe to assume that you'll own a professional sports franchise by the age of 32.
One of every pair of brothers pursues a career in professional sports, while the other begrudgingly stays at home and tends to the family farm.
All sports teams have professionally choreographed rally routines.
Should you be fortunate enough to win the starting quarterback job, high school athletic rules dictate that the former starting quarterback's girlfriend is obligated to begin dating you.
In compliance with diversity-driven athletic legislation, all sports teams are required to include at least one cerebral introvert, one born leader, one emotionally disturbed outcast, one affably obese hanger-on, one religious zealot, and one convicted felon.
Within seconds of scanning the capacity crowd of 50,000 spectators from your perch in the on-deck circle, you'll easily be able to make eye contact with your girlfriend and mouth her a comprehensible message.
Sports are played in bucolic towns and inner cities, but never in the suburbs.
If you undermine your daughter's confidence by raising her as a homely Tomboy, she'll be too embarrassed to attempt cheerleading or dating, and consequently she'll pursue sports as a means to develop a sense of self-worth.
Even though the United States is the only remaining super power on the planet, Eastern European nations still possess vastly superior training facilities.
With less than two minutes remaining in the game, play clocks are turned off to allow scrappy quarterbacks sufficient time to deliver inspirational, and often times comical, speeches.
When ordering a beer at a sports bar, simply ask the bartender for "a beer" -- he'll know exactly which brand you prefer.
When water skiing, never settle on a generic "hand-wave" as your signal to alert the boat's driver that you are ready, because invariably, a flurry of bees will swarm around your head causing you to wave your hands furiously in defense, a gesture that the boat's driver will mistakenly interpret as his signal to proceed, and you'll be violently pulled off the dock sans skis.
Eric Immerman is a contributing comedy writer to ESPN The Magazine and "The Late Late Show with Craig Kilborn." His material also has been featured on Laugh.com. He can be reached at eimmerman@hotmail.com
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