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Lighten up, Francis -- it's just a draft


You've heard from the experts. You've been reading Andy Katz's daily draft dose for the last week. You have mock drafts from every major website posted on the walls of your apartment, desperately trying to break the code and predict the 2000 NBA draft.

Marcus Fizer
Marcus Fizer would bring a little attitude to the Clip Joint.
Enough of that -- it's time for a little fun. So with the help of Big Tree and Li'l Danny, two regular guys who spend way too many hours of the day watching basketball, we give you the 2000 Mockery Draft.

Remember, this is for entertainment purposes only. Anyone who uses this projection in their draft pool deserves what they get. Without further ado...

No. 1: New Jersey Nets
Big Tree: With the first pick of the 2000 NBA Mockery Draft, the New Jersey Nets select: Kenyon Martin, but don't set him up with a real-estate agent because he ain't stayin' long. Orlando is hot for the big guy and has plenty of pieces to package in a deal. The Nets need size -- more than just Martin at 6-foot-8 -- and there are decent big men available lower in the lottery.

No. 2: Vancouver Grizzlies
Li'l Danny: Vancouver was burned by Steve "D'oh Canada!" Francis last year, and is thrilled to have the opportunity to take a player who has already said he likes the city. He also happens to be the most talented player in the draft: Stromile Swift, who will team up with Shareef to give the Grizzlies high-flying options within a versatile front-court. One ESPN.com analyst called Swift, "the next Antonio McDyess." Can't go wrong there.

No. 3: Los Angeles Clippers
The Clippers want to win ... really they do. They want respect. They want an attitude. They get it with Marcus Fizer, one of the toughest-looking cusses to come down the pike. Fizer likes it inside, but he can step out and hit the jumper. Forced to play center in college, he'll thrive as a four who can float around the floor and face the basket.

No. 4: Chicago Bulls
Jerry Krause, a k a The Sleuth, picks next for Chicago, kicking off the season of his much-anticipated strategy: "Players don't win championships; GMs win championships." The Bulls are desperate for size and have the inside track on Tracy McGrady, but you can't have enough versatile small forwards on a roster. He'll welcome prep Darius Miles and have him shipped from the green room to the Berto Center weight room within minutes. Ron Artest wonders where his minutes went. ...Corey Benjamin wonders what happened to his locker.

If they haven't already given the pick to the Nets for Peg-Leg, the Magic are up next.

No. 5: Orlando Magic
Using the pick as their own for now, the Magic see big men falling from the sky. Chris Mihm, who has done a Stacey King-like freefall down the draft board, hits bottom here. Orlando still has no idea what its opening day roster will look like, but it's not every day that you can grab a 7-footer who can block shots and step out on the perimeter.

No. 6: Atlanta Hawks
Moving on to the hapless Hawks ... Who will establish himself as the cornerstone of the Kruger Era? The Hawks reportedly love Mike Miller, who burned Lon in the NCAA Tourney. But Lon also has experience scouting former Minnesota malcontent Joel Przybilla, a raw shot-blocker who could learn quit a bit from Dikembe (perhaps the finger-wag?) before Kruger ships No. 55 to Dallas for cap room, free Internet access and a domain name to be ... uh ... named later. Skinny Miller's the pick. The Bulls are back up at No. 7...

No. 7: Chicago Bulls
Look what we have here. Chicago went with Miles first and can still grab a competent big man. Joel Pryzbilla, you're the man to do everything but shoot. You'll keep Elton out of foul trouble, you'll make up for the defensive liabilities on the perimeter, and you'll make Krause look even smarter as he rebuilds the Bulls in record time.

No. 8: Cleveland Cavaliers
The Cavs covet a big man, but the talent drop-off in the paint at this point is steep. Where else can they use some help? How about a wing scorer to complement Shawn "Chunky" Kemp and Andre Miller? Despite issues with his 'tude, Cleveland injects a little sizzle into its offense with Courtney Alexander. Having driven his bandwagon for months, ESPN.com immediately proclaims Alexander as the front-runner for Rookie of the Year. Stevie Franchise picks next.

No. 9: Houston Rockets
Houston needs size. The Dream is almost over, Chuck B is gone to the big halftime show in the sky and the rest of the roster wouldn't know a rebound if it hit them in the face. But you can't throw a plodding big man in with Stevie, Shandon and Cuttino. The Rockets want to run, which is why Jerome Moiso fits in perfectly (because he worked out so well the first time as Carlos Rogers). Etan Thomas was tempting, but putting him and Kenny Thomas on the same team would be far too confusing for simple-minded NBA fans.

No. 10: Orlando Magic
O-Town is up again. After going big, they're still loaded at the wing and guard spots. While it's tempting to take a backup for Armstrong (displacing fan fave Chucky Atkins), conventional wisdom dictates that no team should take a point guard in the lottery this year. They stay big and take a calculated risk on the Next Nigerian Nightmare, Olumide Oyedeji (call it "The Double Oh in the Big Oh"), who this scout saw eat up the best US preps at the Nike Hoop Summit in '99. Tim Who?

No. 11: Boston Celtics
While all the idiot pundits start writing in Jamaal Magloire to the Boston Wildcats because of the Pitino connection (remember Nazr Mohammed? We don't either), Rick is actually looking for a solid swingman -- and there are a ton available. In a rare moment of clarity, Pitino goes for the sure thing in Morris Peterson rather than the gamble with DerMarr Johnson.

Dallas, time to pick a foreign player ...

No. 12: Dallas Mavericks
That "Oye Vey!" you heard was coming from Don Nelson, who thought Olumide Oyediji would fall to the Mavs at 12. But with Mark Cuban barking for a great pick and Nelson under the gun to produce rather than just use other people's money to experiment his wild theories, the Mavs -- set with guards Nash and Finley -- sidestep Hanno (the Nowitzki wannabe) and go conventional with Etan Thomas, who isn't some foreign freak or some oversized softie. Just a shotblocker. Just a shotblocker. Nelson was quoted after the draft as saying, "Wait! Isn't 'Etan' a Yugoslavian name?"

Freshly loaded with two new big men, the Orlando Gabriels take...

No. 13: Orlando Magic
It's gambling time, baby! With a pick to waste and no immediate areas of attention, the Magic select DeShawn Stevenson as their star of the future. The kid's got an NBA bod already a la Maggette, and odds are one of them will pan out. Orlando can't count on building a franchise around both because one will either bomb or get too good to be kept after three years, but watching these kids jump out of the gym for the next two years should be a sight to see.

Detroit, time to find a replacement for Grant Hill.

No. 14: Detroit Pistons
Well, the Pissed-tons are going to lose Hill, but they're going to make a play for Rose and/or Howard -- or both. They are desperate for size, and with world traveler Brian Williams/Bison Dele not looking like a viable choice, they nab Iakovos Tsakalidis, who sometimes goes by Jake and whose last name is occasionally Tsakalov. That fits nicely with the Pistons' tradition of name-changing big men.

No. 15: Milwaukee Bucks
George Karl has a long history of drafting big men whom he ends up not liking (see Johnson, Ervin; Rogers, Carlos), so why mess with a good thing? Karl opts for rangy shot-blocker Mamadou N'Diaye from Auburn.

Sac-town, might I suggest someone with defense ...

No. 16: Sacramento Kings
Well, the Kings are in an interesting situation: Nick Anderson didn't work out, and Tony Delk developed into a nifty little backup point guard. They are loaded across the front (who couldn't use another big man, but the good ones are all gone in this draft), so they've got to take a shooting guard who can contribute to a contender in his first two or three years (that is not DerMarr). He fits right in with their no-defense mentality -- Quentin Richardson, welcome to Sacramento.

No. 17: Seattle Supersonics
The Sonics need some bulk, and fast. Too bad there isn't much left. Instead, Seattle turns to free agency to solve its size problems, and drafts its point guard of the future in Erick Barkley. Surprise, surprise, the NCAA's least favorite son is picked before its favorite, Mateen Cleaves. Seattle likes Barkley's fiery attitude (someone else to get into fights with Payton) and his ability to score.

No. 18: Los Angeles Clippers
At the Clip Joint -- where they're as desperate for solid citizens and on-court leadership as they are for point guards -- they say, "Yoink!" and take Final Four hero Mateen Cleaves. Cleaves is now on the clock ... to see how long it takes him to become a malcontent and ruin his Billy Packer-spit-shined image.

No. 19: Charlotte Hornets
Charlotte, home of the 23,000-seat arena and land where no free agent wants to stay, knows it needs some swingman versatility to go with the smalls (Baron and Wesley) and the bigs (Mason, Elden and DC). That can only mean one thing: DerMarr Johnson. The Hornets can't believe he slipped this far, but we can -- the Lamar Odom comparisons should begin and end with his height.

No. 20: Philadelphia 76ers
The Sixers -- on the cusp of greatness -- can't afford to take a chance on a lightly tested phenom. It's the same reason they shipped Larry Hughes to the West. They need maturity ... perhaps a little polish. If not polish, how about a Finn? That's right: Hanno Möttölä brings the coachability (ask Andy Katz fave Rick Majerus) and a refined offensive game, which is another way of saying he won't demand any of Iverson's shots. Plus, his defensive liabilities can be masked with Ratliff behind him. Who needs The Waiter when you can have The Human Umlaut?

No. 21: Toronto Raptors
For the Toronto Carters, they were all set to draft Khalid El-Amin until he wore a Nets cap to his workout (it looked good with his outfit). So instead, the Raptors draft Craig "Speedy" Claxton, who will turn out to be the most effective point guard in this draft.

Time for the Knicks to pick another player they don't want.

No. 22: New York Knicks
As usual, New York can use frontcourt help. They consider Soumaila Samake, then think about the Frederic Weis backlash. They consider Jamaal Magloire, but in the end, he's just another foreign big man. You can never have too much rebounding, and the Knicks need a player with a photogenic scowl. The answer: Donnell Harvey, who will learn at the feet of Kurt Thomas and Larry Johnson, two other undersized players who live in the post.

Utah ... pity poor Utah ... picks next...

No. 23: Utah Jazz
Utah! Glorious Utah! Land of opportunity (well, actually that might be Minnesota ... or is that the Land of 10,000 Lakes?). Well, some poor sap is going to have to carry Karl Malone's shotgun on road trips, so it might as well be a Cowboy -- Desmond Mason. He lived in Stillwater for four years, so he'll be able to adjust to the wild life in Salt Lake without much problem.

No. 24: Chicago Bulls
Ah, great pick! Good enough shooter to fill Horny's role, but also -- like Mottola -- mature enough to step into a lineup of vets.

Oh, yeah, it's go time ... pick 24 ... this is KrauseLand, baby. After picking up Miles at 4 and Przybilla at 7, he's got some room, as he continues to assume that a swingman will fall into his lap via free agency. What this team needs is a point guard, but who is left? Only the most intriguing player out there -- Jamal Crawford, he of 17 games of college experience and the 6-10 wingspan on a 6-5 point guard's body. He slipped this far because teams questioned his maturity and ability to get bigger. All he does is provide the Bulls with a lethal backcourt partner for McGrady.

No. 25: Phoenix Suns
Phoenix goes big/small with the softest/hardest 7-footer/jumpshooter around, Indiana/Georgia Tech's Jason Collier. Remember all those 17-foot jumpers Luc Longley was missing vs. the Lakers in the playoffs? Collier buries them like hatchets into Bob Knight's back.

No. 26: Denver Nuggets
Well, since the Nuggets had such good luck with Kentucky guy Ron Mercer, they go back to the till and continue the Bluegrass Jamboree! Jamaal Magloire would look nice in Denver blue-ish. He brings that Rasheed Wallace-esque head-caseness to the flaky Nuggets.

So what young 'un does the Pacer Prep Academy bring in for the Sit-On-The-Bench Mob this year?

No. 27: Indiana Pacers
Indiana picks Taj McDavid -- he's still in the draft pool, right? Seriously, the Pacers want some more fresh legs, but hopefully they'll have hair on them this time. So the Pacers go "old" with sophomore Keyon Dooling, slotting him into the five-year backup point-guard plan as Travis Knows Best takes over for Mark "I want Kenny Smith's job now" Jackson.

No. 28: Portland Trailblazers
Well, Portland's loaded at just about every position. Jermaine O'Neal's a little ticked to be sitting behind Old Man Sabonis, but what can you do? O'Neal is no match for The Real O'Neal. Still, when you have as much talent as the Blazers, you can always use more bodies to beat on Shaq. That's why they'll take a flier on Soumaila Samake.

No. 29: Los Angeles Lakers
Admit there is some genius to this pick: The Los Angeles Lakers select Mark Madsen, power forward, Stanford. What to the Lakers need? Rebounding with no offense. Defense without ego. Ability to clean up garbage on the weakside. Coachability. Intelligence. Post-game Bible study.

It all adds up to Mad Dog.

And with that, we roll into the second round.

No. 30: Los Angeles Clippers
The Clippers already locked up Mr. Inside with Marcus Fizer and a point guard in Mateen Cleaves. They could use a sweet-shooting two-guard to back-up the Polish Rifle. The Clippers tap into their network of worldwide scouts -- consisting of the night cook at the Santa Monica Boulevard IHOP and a couple of sketchy Eastern European Web sites. These are the same gurus who brought you The Kandi Man. They pick up buzz-worthy Russian center Alexios Amanatidis-Zevrosenko. Donald Sterling claims 120 Scrabble points in his ongoing competition with Jeannie Buss.

And before you know it, Nellie's up again ...

No. 31: Dallas Mavericks
Already packing some punch down low with Etan Thomas, the Mavs look to find some outside pop. So it's straight to the shooting-guard scrap heap known as the second round, where the Mavs pluck St. John's product Lavor Postell. Postell's spark off the bench and brawny frame will add some spark to the Mavs' lineup, which is starting to get intriguing .... if this were still the no-defense NBA of the 1980s.

Jerry Krause supersizes his second-round picks with the first of three in a row for the Bulls...

No. 32: Chicago Bulls
With three in a row coming up, Krause looks to trade down to himself, but doesn't like how he's getting screwed.

It's time to see some magic outta Crumbs. He's a sucker for a pedigree (see Elton Brand), so he dips back into the Duke gene pool and comes out with the versatile Chris Carrawell, a lock-down defender from the Tim Floyd school who is comfortable playing with Brand and skilled enough to play some point. If you assume that Shane Battier will be drafted in 2001, that puts at least six players from Duke's doomed 1999 NCAA runner-up in the pros. To all you Duke fans out there: A strong case can be made that the '99 Duke squad was the biggest underachiever in college hoops history.

No. 33: Chicago Bulls
Trying to prove he's just as capable of playing head games with players as Phil Jackson, Floyd lobbies for another point guard. Krause obliges (because he wants to prove his buddy Timmie is just as clever as Big Chief Triangle), and picks A.J. Guyton. Gotta love a backcourt of a 6-5 point guard who doesn't like to pass and a 6-1 shooting guard...who doesn't know how to pass. Elton begins pouting.

No. 34: Chicago Bulls
Krause is a sucker for many things: The obscure foreign player ... the small-school wonder ... the big-school pedigree ... the big point guard ... the small shooting guard ... the undersized guy in the paint ... the academic all-Americans ... knowing all these things, Krause realizes that he hasn't cornered the market on one particular obscure hoops minority: Hola, Eduardo Najera!

Michael Jordan picks next, the first real move of his management career. Aren't you lucky?

No. 35: Washington Wizards
Michael Jordan finds himself in a major quandry. The two best players left on the board happen to be small forward/shooting guards (JaRon Rush and Michael Redd), which just happens to be what Rip Hamilton plays. D'oh! Instead, MJ drafts a true winner (slang for "I don't do anything particularly well") in Scoonie Penn.

FYI, Li'l Danny: Najera measured out at 6-6½ at the pre-draft camps, so logging regular minutes at power forward is unlikely.

No. 36. New Jersey Nets
6-6½? So is Elton Brand. You can't measure heart! But you can measure illegal high school booster donations. That's why the Nets dump Kendall Gill and -- five years after the Ed O'Bannon fiasco -- go back to UCLA and take high-flying JaRon Rush, who will be a nice lob target for Stephon.

No. 37: Miami Heat
Don't try that argument on me -- everybody did last year, and everybody was wrong. EB measured out at a legit 6-8 last year, and his arms make him seem between 6-10 and 7-foot.

The Nuggets had this pick up until the last minute, shipping it to Miami along with Chris Gatling for Voshon Lenard and Mark Strickland. Needing a scoring punch on the perimeter, the Heat go with Michael Redd...although a point guard might be a better idea, unless Miami has something else up its sleeve.

No. 38: Houston Rockets
With Moiso in the rotation thanks to your first pick, the Rockets can look for a selfless non-shooter who is willing to do the little things -- a rarity in this sea of second-round gunners and misfits. Rudy T loves his commitment to floor burns, so he takes Brian Cardinal to clean up Stevie's messes and take charges.

No. 39: New York Knicks
The Knicks go for size by grabbing Jabari Smith. Actually, the only reason I'm making this pick is because I accidentally crossed him off my master list three picks ago.

No. 40: Atlanta Hawks
Great rationale. Wanna bet that in the history of the draft, a GM has made a choice for the very same reason?

Kruger's gonna want to show how smart he is -- and grab the best available big man. Dan McClintock, who ate up St. John's in the NCAA tourney, will be a quality NBA space-eater.

Ooh -- you get an interesting one: The Spurs are up next with their first pick of the draft ...

No. 41: San Antonio Spurs
San Antonio could be loaded, with Duncan, Robinson and Grant Hill. Or they could just have the Admiral. We're leaning toward the former, so the Spurs add depth at small forward (no Elie or Elliott) with Elie/Elliott clone Harold Arceneaux. There's no truth to the rumor that Harold is changing his last name to Elioneux.

No. 42: Seattle SuperSonics
The Sonics need some Rashard Lewis insurance. Not as badly as they need a big man, but since no good ones are left, they'll re-up for the next installment of the Time-Life home-improvement series, "How to Groom an Inexperienced Player into a Stud Only to Watch Him Leave While You Fix Your Sink and Build a Deck" and take another project: Cory Hightower. Operators are standing by ... so is George Karl with the Bucks next pick.

No. 43: Milwaukee Bucks
What Karl would really like to do is trade this pick for a ham sandwich and a bus pass, but instead he'll add more bulk with a foreign player -- Dalibor Bagaric, come on down. Bagaric, a Cancer with interests in sailboarding and macrame, hails from Croatia. A 7-footer, he enjoys long walks on the beach and spending time at Galerija Miroslav Kraljevic, an independent contemporary art gallery in Zagreb.

No. 44: Detroit Pistons
When you are in danger of losing a player like Grant Hill, you can never have too much insurance. The Pistons get a little with another small forward: Michigan native Terrance Roberson.

No. 45: Sacramento Kings
Jason Williams needs somebody to room with on road trips, so the Kings take Khalid El-Amin.

Time for the Raptors to get more bad P.R.

No. 46: Toronto Raptors
The Raptors -- having secured a gem with Claxton -- turn to snagging a two guard to replace T-Mac. They don't need a shooter to tick off Vince or a guy who has a scoring mentality. They can't afford a small shooting guard like House, because Claxton's already vertically challenged. So they take a lock-down defender and a guy who will rebound like a workhorse at his natural off-guard position after a college career in the frontcourt: Eric Coley. Yee ha.

No. 47: Seattle Supersonics
The Supes have a point guard and a slasher, so now comes the size. Why not make it a two-fer on JCs from Iowa? Seattle picks Ernest Brown. Now that's three headcases for Gary Payton to mess with.

Now the Sixers are looking for the answer to the Answer ...

No. 48: Philadelphia 76ers
The Sixers need a bruiser to protect Iverson ... or Grant Hill ... or whoever is the star there next year. Local beef Lamont Barnes fits the bill nicely.

Time for yet another George Karl pick.

No. 49: Milwaukee Bucks
Since he had so much success dumping big brother James on the IR for three years, Karl picks Schea Cotton.

No. 50: Utah Jazz
Despite Matt Santangelo's Gonzaga pedigree, Pepe Sanchez is already old enough to keep Utah's league-leading average age at the top (it's the only thing the team is tops at), plus he's got that Stockton-esque pretty assist-to-turnover thing going on.

No. 51: Minnesota Timberwolves
The T-Wolves want to build that backcourt of the future with William Avery. Unfortunately, picking No. 51 isn't the place to find that player. So how's that trade for Bobby Jackson looking nowadays? (The Wolves' first-round pick this year was involved in a trades with Toronto and Denver which included such luminaries as Jackson, Chauncey Billups, Dean Garrett, Zeljko Rebraca, Michael Williams, the rights to Tyson Wheeler and a draft pick which ended up becoming ... Jonathan Bender. Who made out best in that deal?) But enough rambling. Minnesota takes a flyer on Temple shooter Mark Karcher.

Next up is Miami, which apparently is forbidden by federal law of ever having a first-round pick.

No. 52: Miami Heat
The Heat. What a woeful franchise right now. The only untouchable is Mourning. They need a guy with size who can fill it up from the 2. Injecting some spring into tired old legs, Richie Frahm can fit the bill. Anyone who says "poor man's Majerle" gets a smack. He's more like a poor man's Ron Harper, pre-injury.

No. 53: Denver Nuggets
Why does it seem like I'm picking for the same three teams every time? Nuggets, Bulls, Bucks -- what a scrapheap. With that in mind, the Nuggets have two words for Regular Guy No. 2: Jarett Stephens. Call him Mini-Fortson.

No. 54: San Antonio Spurs
The Spurs are up again. In need of some point guard prospects and flashy Brooklyn style to go with the boring frontcourt dominance, they'll gladly give pass-first Ed Cota a tryout as Avery Johnson's backup. Hey, AJ had a broken jumpshot for a long time, too. They ain't getting paid to play H-O-R-S-E.

Now you get the Warriors, picking for the first time ... can't that satisfy you?

No. 55: Golden State Warriors
Nothing about the Warriors satisfies me. The Golden Staters are set at shooting guard and power forward (where new coach Dave Cowens want to play Antawn), so what do the Warriors need? How about a forward who can shoot from the outside? Dan Langhi's your man.

No. 56: Indiana Pacers
Any team looking to compete in the next 10 years needs a designated "Kobe-stopper." The Sonics have Ruben Patterson (self-proclaimed). The Pacers got to know that up close and personal in the Finals, and recognize that Bob Huggins teaches defensive tenacity better than any other college coach. The Pacers take stellar defender Pete Mickeal to be the Bryant Solution. The offense can come later. It doesn't hurt that if Jalen Rose bolts, the Pacers get some insurance at the 2 and 3.

Sound off
Now that you've made it through the Mockery Draft, ESPN.com wants to hear your thoughts. Were our two regular guys on target with their comments? Or were they full of garbage? Click here to send us your response.

No. 57: Portland Trailblazers
Ahh, Portland. It took years for Arvydas Sabonis to break down into the limping mass that he is today. The Blazers are thinking, why wait when you can get that package in a rookie? That's why Portland picks Big Injury, Brad Millard. Now you gotta admit that's an inspired pick.

Before you finish this off, let my try to predict who you'll predict the Mavs will pick ... Ndongo Ndiaye, or Sitapha Savane, or Primoz Brezec, or Mate Milisa, or Stefan Ciosici, or Axel Dench. Which one?

No. 58: Dallas Mavericks
Nice tries on predicting my pick ... no cigar. Ah, Mr. Irrelevant! No, we're not talking about Mavs assistant coach Donnie Nelson. There are some disappointed players left on the board: Porter, House, Voskuhl, Hemsley, Holloway, Long, Santangelo ... all destined for the CBA or 10-day-contract greatness. Because it's Don Nelson, the pick is down to a foreign player or NAIA -- he decides to go "domestic" and takes playground legend Jimmie Hunter from Hard-Knock-Life U.

And that, my friends, is a wrap.


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