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| Friday, September 14, 2001 24:15 EST |
A Visit from...
By Jeff Bradley
[ESPN The Magazine]
Okay, somebody had to do it, might as well be me...
'Twas the night before Christmas, for all MLS fans,
And once again, they dreamed of more butts in the stands.
The players, hung out to dry by their reps,
Prayed the minimum salary would now climb from the depths.
From Daddy Phil's ranch, the investors returned,
Still looking for buyers for the Mutiny and Burn.
Not only that, but D.C. was theirs too,
As if they didn't have enough work to do.
When from the league offices, there arose such a clatter!
Sorry, just the Single-Entity rule book getting fatter.
Back to the phones, I went once again,
To hear Miami's still looking for a 10.
And a left back, they say, to hold down that side,
But until they get a budget (sigh) time they will bide.
Wouldn't it be great, if we could get some kind of news?
To help us cure these offseason blues?
We had Lassiter for Henderson, and Santel for a pick,
But other than that, not a freakin' lick.
Even loose-lipped agents have nothing to say,
"Dude, what are you hearin'? I got nothing today."
Now, Colorado and Dallas, have new coaches to hire,
But, be serious, we all know those stories are tired.
We need some buzz, some player news, some fun!
Bring back Matthaeus! At least he got us some run.
There's got to be more for MLS fans to do,
Then hope that BigSoccer rumors come true.
So, leave it to the Boot Room, to come up with a plan,
To make the winter easier for you, the fan.
I'll be soccer's Santa, and start passing out gifts,
For myself, the TV star, shoes with some lifts.
For the Earthquakes, who own like five picks in each round,
Chris Gbandi will come out early, and be headed to town.
For D.C., as you sip some warm Christmas Cider,
Rejoice, for Marco's going to show up 10 pounds lighter!
In Miami, the home of the gumball-painted stands,
I promise, someone will take Welton off your hands.
And for Columbus, the final non-playoff team,
A healthy McBride -- nah, that's too wild a dream.
For the Rapids, we were told it was all Mooch's doing,
So status quo for your team -- don't want to hear any more booing.
On to Dallas, the team I picked to go all the way,
A kick in the butt for Graziani, stop whining and play!
For the Revolution, I've got a very special treat,
A pair of shoes that help Sunsing stay on his feet!
For you in L.A., a star of music and screen,
Who will sing at postgame parties, to make extra green.
For fans of the Metro, this gift's heaven sent,
You can spend a night at Trump Towers, where the league pays Lothar's rent.
And for Chicago, I think it is best,
To give you one more shot at Meola -- see if you can't hit his chest.
And finally to the Wizards, my old Soccer Town friends,
A reminder that heavy is the crown for the team that defends.
Now on Dasher and Dancer and Prancer and Vixen,
On, Comet! On Cupid! On, Donder and Blitzen!
To the top of the roof, now watch out for my dish!
As I go, up, up away, I offer one final wish.
May all my friends who love soccer get out to some games,
So I don't have to keep telling my editors, "MLS...it's not lame!"
Happy Holidays,
Jeff
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