Exclusive NFL report
... pure wild speculation of whatmay be going on inside the heads of the NFL's leading cast of characters at the beginning of the 2002-03 season on their long march toward the next Super Bowl and, ultimately, oblivion.

What follows is what they might be thinking. What follows is what they might not be thinking as well. See if you can tell the difference. Try reading this without laughing once ...

Money back guarantee
... if you don't laugh, you get your money back (of course, since you didn't pay any money in the first place, it's moot.) Read on.

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	Steve Spurrier is just glad he won't miss his tee times this week.

Steve Spurrier, coach, Washington Redskins -- (Slight sniff and curl of left upper lip) "Welcome to the NFL. So hard up here. Kinda like, stealing or something. I got questions, I'll ask Marvin. Tell me again how it's gonna be, Marvin."

Marvin Lewis, defensive coordinator, Washington Redskins -- "Tell you what you can get used to, Ball Coach. My No. 1 defensive set call. KLIK56. 'Kill, LaVar. Kill!' "

David Boston, WR, Arizona Cardinals -- "God, look at my arms. Lookit that firepower. Got me some real pythons, serious anacondas. Yeah. God, look at the scoreboard. I must play on a bad team. But, back to my arms ..."

Emmitt Smith, RB, Dallas Cowboys -- "Guess there goes the TV movie. Guess Martin Lawrence won't be playing me, after all. Guess three Super Bowl rings'll have to do."

David Carr, QB, Houston Texans -- "We actually won?"

Kordell Stewart, QB, Pittsburgh Steelers -- "This Randle-El boy is goooood, man! Handsome too ... reminds me of me. Let's call him Mini-Me. That would be flattering, to one of us. Get him some snaps. Get some of this heat offa me."

	Kordell Stewart runs away from the heat.

Eddie George, RB, Tennessee Titans -- "Corner? There is no more corner there. Stevie, please stay upright. I need you, man. Mom? Wasn't I a great drum major, Mom?"

Troy Brown, WR, New England Patriots -- "Wonder if I can get Brady's leftovers? Wonder if Deion Branch will be satisfied with my leftovers? Stay humble, stay humble, son. Wait a minute. Screw humble. I'm always open."

Ricky Williams, RB, Miami Dolphins -- "Guy said I've got Herschel Walker written all over me. That's good, right?"

Marty Mornhinweg, coach, Detroit Lions -- "Hunh? Which way did they go? We got two good young QBs. We also got zero DBs. Which gives me a bad case of DTs."

Chad Morton, KR, New York Jets -- "They can't see me down here, Herm! Now I get to tell Leno to kiss my %#&@, too!"

Drew Bledsoe, QB, Buffalo Bills -- "I don't care when we play New England. I don't. I don't pay any attention to all that kind of stuff. Hmm? That early, huh? I don't resent Tom Brady. I just want to stomp a mudhole in his &#?@$!%."

	Jay Leno kisses the other Morton's (Johnnie) ass.

Brett Favre, QB, Green Bay Packers -- "I miss Warren Sapp. Sure I laid down for Strahan, never dreamed he'd actually bite. Ever notice Terry Bradshaw thinks I'm him? Can I drive John Madden's bus? Terry Glenn: transsexual? I see where they're bringing back 'American Sportsman.' Maybe I can hunt the wild hairs of Cameron Diaz. Zzzz."

Dan Reeves, coach, Atlanta Falcons -- "No, Vick, No! Yes!"

Randy Moss, WR, Minnesota Vikings -- "Analyze this. I'll leave you on Planet Clown. 'Cause I've got a condo there."

Brian Urlacher, LB, Chicago Bears -- "Why do the guys keep telling me guys can't run away from me so they're gonna go right at me? Why, why, why? Ow! That didn't hurt. Arg! That didn't hurt. Eegh! That didn't hurt ..."

Doug Flutie, QB, San Diego Chargers -- "Drew Brees is the starter. OK, I understand. I am the backup. I accept that. So what that we scored 34 on the Bengals? I can score 34 on the Bengals all by myself. I like Drew Brees. That's why I say six weeks before I'm in there. Six weeks, I say. Tops."

Riall Johnson, LB, Cincinnati Bengals -- "You don't know me, but I hope to be a free agent and out of here soon, then get an American Express commercial with my brother Teyo, the 6-9 wide at Stanford, once he comes into the League."

	There's a lot of pounding going on in Tom Coughlin's head.

Tom Coughlin, coach, Jax'ville Jaguars -- "My head hurts. I'm guessing so will Brunell's before this thing's over."

Peyton Manning, QB, Indy Colts -- "Edge! Come back, Edge! Jim, buy a few bales of cotton to wrap Edge in ..."

Jim Irsay, owner, Indy Colts -- "L.A.? We're so there."

Dwayne Rudd, LB, Cleveland Browns -- "Guess we won't be buying a house around here, huh, Dwayne? That big vein throbbing there in Coach Davis' temple? That's mine. Everybody hates me now. He probably wishes I was dead."

Butch Davis, coach, Cleveland Browns -- "Wish he was ..."

Dick Vermeil, coach, K.C. Chiefs -- "Dead? Rudd? That his name? Love the guy. Gamer. Ever seen a grown man skip like this? Walsh skipped like this once. I saw it. (cries)"

Donovan McNabb, QB, Phila. Eagles -- "It's McNabb. Not Houdini. (Voice of the Fly) Help me. Please. Help me."

Mike Martz, coach, St. Louis Rams -- "Work my tail off on this genius thing, what do I get for it? Spurrier shows and everybody's ga-ga. Gag me. Patriots? Lucky. Us against the Titans in the Atlanta Super Bowl? That last ball Kurt threw up to the moon for Ike Bruce? All scheme."

	Things were looking up for Donovan McNabb and the Eagles on Monday night.

Jeremy Shockey, TE, New York Giants -- "Mark Bavaro? Try the Big White Fella version of Jerry Rice and Marshall Faulk. That's more my school. Bavaro, yeah, OK, if you say so. (raises eyebrows, looks up and away) I saw film on him. Asked the vid guy for regular speed, not slo-mo. He said it was reg speed ... this is who I remind people of? I'm faster than that hopping on one leg. So I'll take Manhattan, Bronx and Staten, too. My world. Squirrels, bring me nuts."

Steve Mariucci, coach, San Francisco 49ers -- "My fate tied to the rep of a enormously gifted egomaniac self-promoter? Spurrier. Spurrier will make me. Contingency plan: if T.O. has brain lock, I figure the Detroit job is there for me."

Martz -- "Is there some kind of weird brain echo in here, or something? Hello? Dick?"

Brian Griese, QB, Denver Broncos -- "Does this mean me and dad do or don't get that Coors commercial?"

Shawn Springs, DB, Seattle Seahawks -- "I did not get run down in the open field by no old QB. Rich Gannon, he had the angle. You saw it. No you are overrated. I know you are, but what am I? Long year for who? You?"

Charlie Garner, RB, Oakland Raiders -- "Woooo!"

Jonathan Ogden, OL, Baltimore Ravens -- "Don't get cute on me now, Coach Billick. Don't yap, just saddle up Jamal Lewis and let's ride ... pass protection sucks ... blitzes really suck ... drive-blocking's the best revenge."

Rodney Peete, QB, Carolina Panthers -- "Right on, Dave Carr. I'm happy for you. Big win. Way to do it. Got one myself. My last one was, what, five years ago? Enjoy, son, 'cause you're about to find out how hard it really is."

Ralph Wiley spent nine years at Sports Illustrated and wrote 28 cover stories on celebrity athletes. He is the author of several books, including "Best Seat in the House," with Spike Lee, "Born to Play: The Eric Davis Story," and "Serenity, A Boxing Memoir."