 |
Baltimore Ravens defense
Tired of hilariously easy pickin's offered by hapless Giants QB Kerry Collins, Ray Lewis, Tony Siragusa and rest of Edgar Allen Poe crew turn attention to real challenge: stifling world's greatest athlete. Rumor has it that Tony Siragusa (pictured), in late-night film session analyzing Tiger's three majors in 2000, actually offered to eat Woods.
Alibi: Ray Lewis not willing to take fall; Siragusa prefers buffalo wings to 9-irons.
|
|
 |
California Gov. Gray Davis
Needs power in big way. Wants to turn Woods' drives into complex hydraulic power source.
Alibi: Wary of complex California royalties laws. Realizes Tiger could buy state Capitol in leisure time, if willing.
|
|
 |
U.S. Supreme Court
Tired of small challenges, like stealing presidential election, nine black robes try to see if power really works: shut down Tiger by judicial order.
Alibi: Sandra Day O'Connor is huge divot-head, just wants Tiger's autograph.
|
|
 |
Mad cows
Tired of being dissed and blamed for all world's health problems, bovine intruders figure they can use some of Tiger's good karma to boost image.
Alibi: Ultra-fit Tiger only eats highest-quality, lean beef; wouldn't go near disease-infested, mooing flea magnets. |
|
 |
Democrats leaving White House
As part of vandalism of our nation's sacred home, Clinton staffers tear out "W" keys -- not as diss of new President, but to mess with
somebody bigger than President. The thought: see how well he plays when he has to enter tournaments as "Tiger Oods."
Alibi: None. Too much time on hands to have one.
|
|
 |
Vince McMahon
XFL, WWF boss
Isn't he in on every evil plot? Besides, how bad would it be for XFL's opening weekend if Tiger steals spotlight at Pebble?
Alibi: Too busy shagging XFL cheerleader. |
|
 |
Puff Daddy
Sean "Puffy" Combs his hand in everything. Wants to use Tiger in latest daring rap production; planning to sample Bing Crosby's "Straight Down the Middle" in rap hit using Tiger, Jay-Z and Li'l Kim.
Alibi: Dude is already on trial right now. Has enough trouble of his own. |
|
 |
Fluff Daddy
Tiger's former caddie, Fluff Cowan, has reasonable motive after being dumped just before phenom stormed through the sport last season. Missed out on his percentage of kajillion in earnings Tiger picked up in 2000.
Alibi: Busy caddying for Jim Furyk. |
|
 |
Bizarro Tiger
Tiger's lookalike seen clubbing at New Year's and golfing Down Under. Likely suspect since Tiger keeps losing since he went blond.
Alibi: Blonds apparently don't have as much fun at golf tournaments. See John Daly.
|
|
 |
Anthony Taylor
Taylor was charged last year with six felony counts of identity theft and perjury on accusations he posed as Tiger Woods while racking up $17,000 in expenses.
Alibi: Awaiting sentencing March 9 after his conviction.
|
