This is the week copy machine toner fluid becomes as precious as 18-year-old Macallan Scotch and inter-office mail bogs down under the sheer weight of thousands of NCAA tournament pools.

Offices will come to a standstill nationwide as millions of Americans pore over their NCAA brackets as if they were your tax returns. And it will all be for naught. After the first weekend, everyone's pools will be as tattered as the World Trade Center flag.

So don't waste your time with the NCAA Tournament bracket. Instead, waste your time with the Page 2 Tournament bracket ...

West region

ROUND 1 ROUND 2 ROUND 3 ROUND 4 Play-in game: Jayson Williams (10-20) vs. Memphis Grizzlies' Jason Williams (15-13)       1. Duke's Jason Williams (28-3) vs. 16. Winner of play-in       8. Bobby Knight (17-9) vs. 9. Brian Dennehy (16-10) 5. "One Shining Moment" (22-7) vs. 12. "JAG" theme music (20-8)   3. Rosa Parks (24-4) vs. 14. Nolan Richardson (16-8) 6. Gene Keady's hair (17-10) vs. 11. Carrot Top's hair (22-6)     4. NCAA tournament pools (23-5) vs. 13. NIT tournament pools (13-17) 7. Dick Vitale (18-11) vs. 10. Miss Cleo (18-9)   2. Zippy Chippy (0-92) vs. 15. North Carolina (8-20)

Mideast region

ROUND 1 ROUND 2 ROUND 3 ROUND 4 1. FDNY (24-6) vs. 16. SUNY (21-6)       8. John Ashcroft (18-8) vs. 9. Bill of Rights (20-3) 5. Christianne Ammanpour (29-2) vs. 12. Geraldo Rivera (16-12)   4. Voting on school bonds (18-8) vs. 13. attaching U.S. flag to car antennae (19-12) 6. Axis of Evil (17-11) vs. 11. Enron board of directors (19-9)     3. Jon Stewart (20-7) vs. 14. Ari Fleischer (20-8) 7. Singing "God Bless America" at ballgames (18-7) vs. 10. Doing the Macarena (18-6)   2. Parking lot (22-5) vs. 15. Afghanistan (19-10)

Southeast region

ROUND 1 ROUND 2 ROUND 3 ROUND 4 1. Roots (24-6) vs. 16. Nike (17-12)       8. Ice dancing (23-7) vs. 9. Square dancing (23-6) 5. Ottavio Cinquanta (22-3) vs. 12. Jacques Rogge (18-10)   4. Snowboarders (21-10) vs. 13. Cheech and Chong (21-9) 6. Yang Yang A (18-7) vs. 11. Yang Yang S (18-7)     3. Salt Lake City blood bank (25-5) vs. 14. Austrian cross-country ski lodge (21-8) 7. Madame Le Gougne (17-10) vs. 10. Katherine Harris (16-8)   2. Jamie Salé (24-2) vs. 15. Dick Button (17-12)

East region

ROUND 1 ROUND 2 ROUND 3 ROUND 4 1. Frodo Baggins (29-2) vs. 16. Fredo Corleone (17-12)       8. Kenneth Lay (18-12) vs. 9. Bud Selig (18-12) 5. Fenway Park (24-3) vs. 12. Gosford Park (19-5)   4. Ted Koppell (28-3) vs. 13. David Letterman (12-17) 6. John Madden (27-5) vs. 11. Dennis Miller (12-8)     Krispy Kreme lines (23-6) vs. Airport security lines (24-3) Doris Kearns Goodwin (22-6) vs. Stephen Ambrose (21-8)   Russell Crowe (23-4) vs. Poet laureate (18-7)

Jim Caple is a senior writer for ESPN.com.