Why does a man who coaches the biggest, baddest cats around bawl like Oksana Baiul at the sight of an AT&T long-distance commercial? Well, thanks to the wonders of modern science and MRI technology, you can find the reasons behind those actions as we allow you to mouse your way through Dick Vermeil's brain ...

Cognitive reasoning "Can't wait to coach again. Can only spend so many hours at the hardware store. Really getting on the wife's nerves. Rams went nowhere without me. Ready to take Chiefs to the Super Bowl. ... Where did I put my keys?"

Emotional center Center is overloaded with the final scenes from Field of Dreams, Brian's Song and It's a Wonderful Life.

Long-term memories Filled with images from his days as coach at UCLA, Philadelphia and St. Louis. Also contains repressed, haunting memories. Like that night last January when Georgia Frontiere invited him into her hotel suite for a late-night Super Bowl "bonus."

Worries "Is my quarterback really named Elvis?"

Jealousy center "The Patriots got four draft picks for Parcells, and the Rams only got two for me? What's up with that? When I retire and come back to coach the 'Skins, they've got to give up five, six picks, minimum." Random thoughts "I'm a little burned out. Does the coach really have to show up for minicamp? Are there still bye weeks?"

"Please, please, please ... No one-on-ones with John Madden."