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| Friday, June 23 | |||||||||
| If you're a pitcher ... duck! ESPN.com | |||||||||
If we could sum up the past week in one word, this would be it:
R-U-N-S.
Of course, the pitchers' fraternity might have a different
four-letter word in mind. But we can't help that.
It's no big deal for a Colorado Rockies player to hit for the cycle any more. Heck, one or two of them do it every season now, whether they need to or not. But Mike Lansing's cycle last Sunday kind of got our attention. Because he'd completed it by the fourth inning. Which is just about impossible. Stats Inc.'s David Pinto reports that Lansing's four-inning circuit surpasses the quickest cycle of the previous 13 seasons, a 1995 cycle by Gregg Jefferies in which he accumulated all four legs with no outs in the fifth. But Lansing topped that with a triple in the first, home run in the second, double in the third and single in the fourth. We're not sure Greg Lemond could cycle that fast. But Donnelly said he actually saw a faster cycle once. "Tootsie Mitchkowski did it one time for the St. Peter's Church League softball team back in Steubenville," Donnelly reminisced. "He was a hell of a player, Tootsie. I think he might even have done it by the third inning. It was down at Bellevue Park. I remember it distinctly. They beat Holy Name, 28-1. It was in 1952. I was the bat boy. So I think you guys are overrating this. I've seen it before." This, you see, is how the true baseball humorists subtly hint at what baseball has turned into these days -- i.e., softball. And if Coors Field isn't one big Church League softball game, we don't know what is. We're already up to 21 times a team has scored at least 10 runs in a game at Coors -- in 33 games. But last Sunday's explosion -- in which the Rockies, at one point, had 17 runs and 11 outs -- was a franchise all-timer. Not to imply the runs were scoring fast or anything, but "we got nine in the fourth inning," Donnelly said. "And Luis Gonzalez asked me if they could take a mulligan after the third inning. I said, 'Yes, as long as we could take a mulligan for all nine innings against Randy Johnson.' He wouldn't go for that." But just because Lansing had finished cycling by the fourth inning, it didn't even mean the cycle drama was finished for this day. "Brent Mayne came up in the seventh inning needing a triple, and he hit a double," Donnelly went on. "If he'd hit a triple, we would have had two guys hit for the cycle. We could have had a bi-cycle." Dr.Yankee, Mr. Hyde There have never been two back-to-back days like this in the 100-year history of the New York Yankees.
We're not quite sure how things like this happen. But on Tuesday in Toronto, the Detroit Tigers -- a team that was 28th in the majors in home runs -- became the first team this season to hit eight home runs in a game. That's something no Tigers team had ever done -- not even the early-'90s bashers of Cecil Fielder and Rob Deer and Pete Incaviglia. "Well," said Bobby Higginson, who hit one of the eight, "it's pretty obvious we're out of our slump." Uh, not so fast, buddy. The next night, the Tigers went from scoring 18 runs to scoring no runs. They were shut out by Kelvim Escobar, a guy whose only other professional shutout in 124 starts was a seven-inning no-hitter for Medicine Hat in 1995. But it's not as if the Tigers had never gone from 18 runs or more to scoring none overnight. According to the Tigers, they did it as recently as 1902. Back on May 18, 1902, they scored 19 against Cleveland and got shut out by the White Sox on back-to-back days. Hard to do. "It's baseball," Juan Gonzalez told Booth Newspapers' Danny Knobler, "and you see things you haven't seen before: 18 runs one day, no runs the next." But this, friends, is Tigers baseball. They've now scored 10 runs or more eight times this year. They then scored one run or none the next game after six of those explosions. Love those Tigers The epilog Sorry we can't recap every crazy game this week. Even cyberspace isn't that big. But to recap the moral of our story, there are a whole lot of freaking runs being scored, folks. "It's all reverting back now," Donnelly said. "It's actually pretty neat. I still have the clippings from that softball league. It brings back memories of my favorite players as a kid -- Ace DeDominico ... Tootsie ... Scooter Dugan. It really brings back memories. And the games are lasting as long as they did. It's almost like a picnic." It ain't any picnic if you're a pitcher, though. That's for sure. Asked if he would let his grandchildren grow up to be pitchers, Donnelly replied: "I don't know why you'd want to, unless you were 6-foot-11 and you could put a 96 up there on the radar gun when you're 12." Since that doesn't fit most human genetic possibilities, though, Donnelly thinks it's time to cut the pitchers at least one break. "You should be able to get a save now with a nine-run lead," he proposed. "That should be the next rule." We'll run it by the rules committee next time we get a chance. In the meantime, don't read those box scores in the future without a calculator handy. Subway tips of the week Hard as we try to avoid writing about John Rocker, darned if we don't find ourselves writing once again about John Rocker. Some things in life, you just can't help. And apparently, he's now one of them. If the trusty Braves closer is really planning to ride that No. 7 train to Shea Stadium next week, he might need a few tips on how best to go about it. So we've called in one of our favorite people -- Phillies center fielder Doug Glanville -- to dispense some firsthand guidance. As a native of nearby Teaneck, N.J., Glanville has ridden that old No. 7 a billion times -- to Shea, to the U.S. Open tennis tournament, probably just for fun. So here's what he would suggest Rocker do to make his ride out to Queens as enjoyable as possible: 1. Bring reading material. "Well, he could probably read 'War and Peace' between the hotel and the stadium," Glanville said. "There's enough time -- if it isn't an express, that is. Or he could try an unabridged version of 'Moby Dick.' "But I think the big thing is, it can't be offensive. So 'The Life and Trials of Captain Kangaroo' -- that would safe. He's pretty beloved. Or maybe something about Mr. Rogers -- 'The Chronicles of Mr. Rogers' Neighborhood.' That would be good, too." 2. Listen to music. Most subway riders these days bring their Walkmen or their MP-3's. But the boom box is still seen in the subway world. So for Rocker, that might be the way to go. And what selection would Glanville suggest for Rocker's boom box? "I'd say maybe, 'We Are the World,' something like that," Glanville proposed. "He's either got to celebrate the diversity or stay neutral. Personally, I'd go with the celebration." 3. Wear a disguise. With even the mayor of New York trying to talk Rocker out of using the most effective mode of transportation in town, it's clear he'll need to be sneaky. "I think a disguise would be highly recommended," Glanville said. "Maybe a Mr. Met disguise. I think that would be his safest bet -- Mr. Met. "Again, you want some beloved character. So maybe Minnie Mouse. She'd be good. She's a little more affectionate than Mickey, I think. Or maybe Bullwinkle. He's more beloved than Rocky. He'd just have to be sure to duck going out of the car." 4. Pick the right time to travel. Our final piece of advice actually began as a tip on whether Rocker should sit or hold onto a strap. But Glanville observed that "there are certain times you don't have to hold onto anything. Everybody holds each other up. But I'm thinking that would probably be a bad time for him to go." So what would be a good time, then? "Oh, somewhere between maybe zero o'clock and zero in the morning," Glanville advised. "Or maybe after the train stops running, while they're doing the maintenance check. That would be a good time." The great thing about all this tremendous advice is that it's perfectly free. Of course, you get what you pay for. Ratings ploy of the week Boy, some networks will do anything to command attention. Why, just last weekend, on a Saturday afternoon game of the week on another network you may have heard of, Chuck Knoblauch made one of those errant throws from second base that have made him the recurring baseball horror tape he is. Now, here at ESPN our policy is we feel nothing but sincere empathy for Chuck Knoblauch. And while we may be forced to show his defensive gaffes several thousand times a day, it's only done out of professional obligation. Nothing more, nothing less. And of course, we would never, ever use those throws to draw attention to our network. Our sense of classy propriety would never allow that. But when that throw of his last Saturday returned to earth, it plunked a poor woman sitting in the box seats behind first base. And wouldn't you know it. That woman turned out to be the mother of one of ESPN's most prominent alumni, Mr. Keith Olbermann, who now works for the competition. Now because he's a very humorous guy, Olbermann has been unfurling amusing quips about his mother's plight all week and getting lots of ink -- or, in our case -- bytes. But this is the portion of our column where we reassure you that you'll never find that sort of thing coming from ESPN or its anchors. For instance, we asked Trey Wingo if he was at all jealous that no Chuck Knoblauch throws had hit his mother lately. And Wingo, the epitome of class and family values, answered: "What? Are you crazy? I'd hate Chuck Knoblauch if he ever hit my mother." Of course, he would. That's what ESPN is all about. In fact, here in the rarified air of Bristol, we believe there may have been some cosmic significance to the fact that rather than nail a family member of any ESPN employees, Knoblauch chose to drill the mother of a high-profile anchor for our chief competitor. "There is something peculiar about it," said Kenny Mayne. "No question." "All I'm saying," Wingo theorized, "is that I believe in divine intervention." Something funny had to be going on, Mayne believes, because after watching replays, he's decided that Mrs. Olbermann "looked more athletic than Keith. You could see it in her cat-quick reflexes. It wasn't even her fault she got hit. It was the fan in front of her. He tried to catch it and missed it. He screened her, just like a goalie getting screened. So it was the other guy's fault." And how can we be sure that other guy wasn't planted there by the network, and ordered by his superiors to make that crucial error? You can't rule it out. But it's hard to imagine you'll ever find anything like that happening at this network. "We're a for-profit institution," Mayne said. "We just do our job and go home." Ah, but this is a competitive business. So it's tough to say how ESPN might choose to counter this plunking. We can't see any forthcoming series like, "Who Wants to Bean a Millionaire?" But you never know. "I think our bosses pay more attention to what those guys (at the competition) do than we do," Mayne quipped, tongue glued to cheek. "So who knows? I wouldn't be shocked to see a strategic move to start placing our own relatives -- even circus cousins -- in the stands down the road. You know the theory: Any mention is a good mention." (Editor's note: Just kidding here. Do not send us your applications to become an unofficial ESPN family member. Positions definitely not available.) Directory unassistance of the week Another week, another collection of stupendous feats by those Baltimore Orioles. Thursday, they became the first team since the '95 White Sox to give up at least eight runs in six games in a row. Monday, they became the first Orioles team in history to score 12 runs in a game and still lose. And Tuesday, they managed to become the fourth American League team in history to go through an entire game without an assist. But hey, at least there were logical explanations for that absence of assists. And to provide a few, before it's too late, we're bringing back our official Orioles witticist, David Hill, editor of the tremendous Baltimore baseball magazine, "Outside Pitch." So here, straight from Angelos family rationalization headquarters, are the top Orioles Excuses For Not Getting An Assist: Box score lines of the week Thanks to all that offensive madness this week, we've got more box score classics than we can handle. So here they come, the best of the best: Twins reliever Bob Wells made history Wednesday. He set an American League record for most chances by a pitcher in one inning: four. That was the good news. The bad news was: Two of those four chances turned into an error. One error came when he tried to fight off third baseman Corey Koskie and catch a pop-up (unsuccessfully). The other came when he tried a pickoff throw to second base -- with no one covering. Wells' pithy acceptance speech after learning he'd set a record: "It wasn't real pretty." Bugaboo of the week Not all the swats were home runs Thursday in St. Louis. And not all the flies were fly balls. For reasons known only to the insect community, swarms of moths descended on a Giants-Cardinals game -- and let's just say they didn't feel obliged to limit themselves to a 25-moth roster. "I've never seen that many bugs on the field," said Dusty Baker. "It was like the Twilight Zone." And this episode would have been written, of course, by the late, great Tigers pitcher, Bugs Raymond. Carom of the week But those moths weren't what was bugging Barry Bonds after that game Thursday. It was, instead, one of the weirdest plays of his career. He leaped at the wall in the eighth inning to grab a long fly ball by Shawon Dunston -- and somehow had the baseball pop in and out of his glove and over the left-field fence, for a huge three-run homer that put the Cardinals ahead 10-9. "I used to watch those on TV where the ball pops out of the guy's glove and over the fence," Bonds said. "Now I get to be the guy on the blooper reel. Shawon should send me a thank-you letter, at least." Street sweeper of the week Not since Colt Field went out of business in 1963 had a man hit a home run in Houston that went clear out of the ballpark. But thanks to the miracle of Enron Field, Gary Sheffield hit a ball Wednesday that cleared the train tracks in left, slammed into a light standard and richoted right out of the stadium, onto the street. It would have been a thrilling moment -- except Sheffield had no idea what happened, because there are so many quirks, angles and other assorted obstacles in the outfield at Enron, he didn't know where to look. "I knew it hit something," Sheffield said. "I didn't know what it hit -- because there are a lot of things to hit here." Welt of the week In St. Louis, people know you never mess with the legendary George Kissell, the Cardinals' 79-year-old baseball guru. But Kissell was wandering around the outfield during batting practice Tuesday when he accidentally got conked on the nose by a line drive hit by J.D. Drew. Kissell went down, but came through it all fine. Except for one thing. "He looked like he was on the undercard of the de la Hoya fight," said Tony La Russa. Camel of the week You might have thought the Pittsburgh Pirates took a series from the Expos this week because they pitched better, or because they finally got some clutch hits. But that wasn't the real reason. The real reason was: Doug the camel. Doug is a stuffed camel who became the Pirates' very unofficial mascot last week after they'd fallen a season-low 10 games under .500. So as Keith Osik, Jason Kendall and Mike Williams were walking from the Montreal subway the other day, Osik suggested they buy some kind of animal as a good-luck charm. So they went into a little store and emerged with Doug the camel. He was named Doug, Kendall said, "Because we dug ourselves this big hole, and he's the only one who can get us out of it." Doug since has just about done it all -- except appear in the box score. He's hung out in the clubhouse, next to a bowl of chili, been dealt a hand in a card game, marched through the postgame handshake parade, had a beer poured for him and flown on a team charter to New York. Then again, he's been hot. And if he goes into a slump? "Then we might be eating camel stew next week," Williams said. Trivia answer Matt Williams, J.T. Snow, Robin Ventura. Jayson Stark is a senior writer at ESPN.com. | ALSO SEE Jayson Stark archive AUDIO/VIDEO   ESPN.com's Jayson Stark doesn't see Juan Gonzalez going anywhere.wav: 231 k RealAudio: 14.4 | 28.8 | 56.6 ESPN.com's Jayson Stark breaks down the possible trade between the Yankees and Tigers.wav: 291 k RealAudio: 14.4 | 28.8 | 56.6 | ||||||||
