Here at ESPN Enterprises, we're about far more than just sports. We're about people, too (if only because without people, there wouldn't be any sports). So Saturday afternoon, while witnessing the hullabaloo tied to Ichiro Bobblehead Day at Safeco Field, we got to thinking ... Bobbleheads are great fun, but how can they help solve the problems facing the people (i.e. sports fans) of America?
|  | | Safeco Field employees Katie Rothenberg, left, and Amanda Turpen were mighty popular with fans seeking Ichiro Bobbleheads. |
More than you might think.
Global warming: Despite what you might have heard on the radio about global warming being nothing more than the crazed ravings of a few hundred mad scientists, we can tell you that the globe is, indeed, warming. In fact, at this very moment a platoon of ESPN production assistants are constructing a wall of sandbags around corporate headquarters in Bristol, Conn., in hopes of turning back the floodwaters sure to arrive sometime in the next few months.
So what can bobbleheads do?
A lot. As you know, the U.S. contains only five percent of the earth's population, yet produces 95 percent of the greenhouse gasses that lead to global warming.
And how do we produce those gasses? By burning fossil fuels, in order to, among other things, provide entertainment for all of us. Television, video games, Internet surfing, the Daytona 500, the hi-fi systems that the kids seem to enjoy ... all of them suck up the fossil fuels in the service of pure entertainment.
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Bobble Madness
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You don't need to be crazy enough to camp out overnight on Seattle's cold, drizzly streets to experience the Ichiro bobblehead craze. You just need to click here to experience ESPN.com's Dan Cawdrey's photo gallery of the event.
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But can any of those activities match the mindless -- and environment-friendly -- pleasure of poking a bobblehead's head with your finger and watching it bobble? Most infectious diseases have long been eliminated in this country, thanks to systematic inoculations, so now maybe it's time to make sure every child of grade-school age has a bobblehead sitting atop his or her dresser.
Officially, we Americans have little interest in the Kyoto Protocol, but perhaps we could come to some sort of agreement on an Ichiro Protocol.
Our trade deficit: Can anyone remember when the trade deficit -- the difference between how much the U.S. imports and how much it exports -- wasn't considered a serious problem for our national economy? Yet once again, here come bobbleheads to the rescue.
Two hours after Saturday's game in Seattle had ended, Ichiro bobbleheads were going for close to $150 on eBay ... but it has been suggested that the price could go much higher when Japanese baseball fans discover eBay, and we certainly shouldn't underestimate a country that could nearly make an All-Star out of David Bell.
So let's be ready, Major League Baseball. Bud Selig talks about "internationalizing" the game? Well, we need more Ichiro Bobblehead Days, along with Hideo Nomo Bobblehead Days, Chan Ho Park Bobblehead Days, Luke Prokopec Bobblehead Days. And when the Mariners or the Dodgers finally sign a Chinese player, watch out. Because then we'll really get the cash flowing to our side of the Pacific.
The Montreal Expos: OK, so the Expos may not rank as one of our biggest problems.
On the other hand, the Expos do cause Commissioner Bud to suffer some sleepless nights, and that's not good for any of us. And somehow the Expos haven't yet discovered the allure of Bobblehead Day.
Saturday at 10 a.m. in Seattle, there were perhaps 15,000 people lined up outside Safeco Field, eager to enter the building. That number represents roughly three times the number of fans who populate Montreal's Olympic Stadium for a typical National League game.
"Fine," you're saying, "but I hear tell that those French speakers in Quebec don't give a hoot about baseball."
True enough. But here at ESPN we're anything but mono-sportive, so we've come up with a perfect solution for the Expos ... hockey bobbleheads! Montreal and les Habs go together like wine and cheese, and there are no fewer than 45 Canadiens in the Hockey Hall of Fame, and every one of them would look lovely in ceramic form. At nine hockey bobbers per season, les Expos might be kept on artificial respiration for five more years. Maybe they can even outlast our wonderful commissioner.
Long games: Something else that keeps Bud Selig up at night. But while we haven't figured out how to shorten games without cutting commercial time -- a big no-no here at ESPN Enterprises -- we do think that more Bobblehead Days might make people forget just how long the games are running. After all, if you've been standing in line at the ballpark since dawn or before, do you really care if the game itself lasts three hours and 20 minutes rather than three hours and 10?
Social Security: Current projections suggest that the Social Security Administration will run out of money in 2038, which sounds scary if that's about when you plan on retiring ... or if you planned on retiring earlier, and also planned on still being alive in 2038. Those projections have led some in Washington to espouse retirement accounts tied to the stock market. But the stock market goes up and down, and just because it has historically appreciated over long stretches of time doesn't mean that it always will.
So how about bobbleheads?
Has there ever been a bobblehead that didn't appreciate in value over time? An Ichiro bobblehead cost its manufacturer a dollar or two, the Mariners about three dollars, and finally one cost a Mariners fan the price of a ticket (between 10 and 35 dollars) ... and now, just a few hours later, they're worth $150! At this rate, all 20,000 lucky Ichiro owners will be millionaires in just a few weeks, which sounds like one fine retirement plan to our number-crunchers.
The plight of the poor: Hey, we never said that bobbleheads can do everything.
ESPN.com Senior Writer Rob Neyer owns a Minnesota Vikings bobblehead from 1962, and considers it a substitute for a 401K account.
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