| Friday, April 7
By Frank Hughes
Special to ESPN.com |
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|  | | Hey, Dirk, how did you like that new luggage? |
I read in a newspaper the other day how Dallas Mavericks owner Mark Cuban
thinks the Mavericks, despite being well over the salary cap this summer, can
sign some free agents because of the fringe benefits Cuban is providing.
Cuban bought everybody on the team expensive Tumi luggage -- whatever the
hell that is; I always figured if it took my clothes from one place to the
next without falling apart, it was pretty good luggage -- with their names
and the Mavericks logo on it. (Of course, when the baggage handlers saw the
Mavs logo on it, they lost the luggage; kind of like the Mavs with games.)
Cuban also is providing food in the locker rooms for both teams --
although I heard the Mavs get New York Strip and Vichyssoise, while the
visiting team gets Death Dogs from 7-11.
He also is buying a bigger and better plane team airplane -- presumably
not from Alaska Airlines.
So here is my question: Since when did a couple million dollars a year not
provide sufficient enticement to play for a team?
I mean, c'mon, how much do we have to kiss players' cabooses? I mean, I
can understand using natural marketing tools as an allure. As an example,
when the Seattle Sonics woo free agents, they mention that there is no state
income tax in Washington, which could save them a boatload of money.
But isn't this other stuff selling our souls to the devil? These players
already are coddled so much they think they can do no wrong. Now, on top of a
$5 million salary, we bestow upon them Tumi luggage, food in the locker
rooms, limo rides to and from games. For $5 million, don't you think players
can afford that stuff themselves?
Have you heard what's going on down in Orlando?
So the San Antonio Spurs are in town the other day, and Tim Duncan, the
object of desire for Magic coach Doc Rivers, is in town. A perfect
opportunity to plant a big wet one on his derriere.
So he gets to his room, and there is a gift basket waiting. A gift basket.
Can you picture it? A 7-foot man walking through the lobby of the hotel,
carrying his little flowery gift basket out by the handle.
"Sorry, little girl, can't sign that autograph, I got this gift basket in
my hand. But here, would you like a pistachio from my gift basket."
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A local businessman -- whose store I vow I now NEVER will frequent the
next time I am in Orlando -- who owns a Dunkin Donuts told Duncan he and his
family can have free coffee and doughnuts for the rest of their lives if
Duncan signs with the Magic.
I think Duncan should sign with the Magic and then tell the idiot: "I love
this city so much, I consider everybody my family."
This imbecile wanted to change the spelling of Dunkin to Duncan so it
would become Duncan Donuts. This guy is getting too close to his work.
Instead of holes in doughnuts, I think he has a hole in his head.
Orlando's arena is now named, TD Waterhouse Centre -- although why they
have the Canadian spelling of centre in the middle of Florida is beyond me.
In any case, there was talk of calling it Tim Duncan Waterhouse Centre.
I say, what the hell. Why stop there? Go all out, Orlando. Change the name
of Disneyworld to Duncanworld. Change Mickey Mouse to Duncan Mouse. Hell,
change the name of Orlando to Virgin Islands, just to make sure Duncan feels
at home.
I mean, I don't blame Duncan. He's a nice guy, and he probably didn't even
notice half the stuff the Magic and the city did in his honor -- other than
letting that gift basket go to his head.
I don't blame any player for accepting the gratuities teams are giving
them. You better believe if somebody gives me a gift basket, I am going to
enjoy and appreciate that gift basket to the fullest.
But have we no shame? Isn't there a point where we should simply say,
"Come to our team because we will win," and that should be enough? Remember
winning? The object of the game.
Here's the thing that I find so interesting about the way Orlando is
sucking up to Duncan: If they had given Shaq a gift basket to begin with,
they probably wouldn't be in this position.
Frank Hughes covers the NBA for the Tacoma (Wash.) News-Tribune. He is a regular contributor to ESPN.com. |  |
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