Mid-January 2004 …

It is a blustery winter's day in greater Boston, and long-suffering fans of the long-suffering Red Sox are already warming with visions of another spring training and another joyous season of teeth-gnashing. It's just around the corner.

But before the scrutiny of new Sox manager Terry Francona can begin in earnest -- amid a chorus of what-ifs every time contractually-imprisoned, former would-be Boston savior Alex Rodriguez registers an RBI for the Rangers -- there is justice to be sought in the Roxbury District Courthouse.

Millions of Americans fret about minor annoyances such as terrorist schemes and killer flu strains, but Red Sox fans are occupied by more pressing developments. Seems they are glued to the proceedings under way down at the courthouse.

	It was a strange October in Fenway ...

Let's check in as the legal team for Fenway Park groundskeeper and school teacher Paul Williams begins questioning potential jurors in ... The Case of the Bronx Bullies Brawl.

(Great legal minds have been debating this matter since last Oct. 11, the date of a crushing 4-3 victory by the visiting New York Yankees in Game 3 of a tense American League Championship Series against the Red Sox. After an on-field clash involving members of both teams, tempers flared in the visitors' bullpen; and a confrontation ensued involving Williams, a part-timer at Fenway, and Yankees players Karim Garcia and Jeff Nelson. All three were charged with assault and battery on Dec. 18, just in time for the holiday season. Talk about your stocking stuffer!)

The candidates from today's jury duty pool have been assembled. The voir dire is being conducted by the lead attorney for Williams, Mr. Alan Dershowitz, Esq.

DERSHOWITZ: "Ladies and gentlemen, good morning. In effort to ensure impartiality in this matter, each of you will be asked questions to determine your qualifications as a reliable juror. Please answer as thoroughly and truthfully as you are able. And please be mindful that my client is a hard-working, ordinary man who pays his taxes, struggles like many of us to make ends meet, and who has dedicated his life to two noble causes -- the education of our children and the success of the Boston Red Sox."

BAILIFF: "When your name is called, please submit your juror number to the clerk.

"Mr. William Buckner.

"Sir, please submit your placard to the clerk."

BUCKNER: "Let's see ... where did it go? I seem to have mishandled it. It was right in front of me. If you'll give me a moment, I'm sure it will …"

DERSHOWITZ: "Your Honor, dismiss this juror."

BAILIFF: "Mr. Stephen King."

DERSHOWITZ: "Thank you, Mr. King. Do you have any relatives who are in the Red Sox organization?"

KING: "I would call them spiritual brethren. I talk to Ted Williams from time to time. Why, just the other day, Ted said that whoever coined the phrase, 'Colder than hell', wasn't exaggerating."

DERSHOWITZ: "OK, then. How do you feel about groundskeepers, in general?"

KING: "They're OK. The good ones graduate to cemetery maintenance. Come to think of it, I guess Fenway is as close as you can get."

	We couldn't escape Bennifer in 2003.

DERSHOWITZ: "Your Honor, I request that this juror be approved for trial."

BAILIFF: "Mr. Benjamin Affleck."

DERSHOWITZ: "Thank you, Mr. Affleck. Why the grim face this morning?"

"Finally got a 'Gigli' royalty check in the mail, or so I thought. Turns out I owe Columbia Pictures money!"

DERSHOWITZ: "How would you characterize your baseball allegiances?"

AFFLECK: "Let's just say I've been working on a treatment for a film. In the middle of a big playoff game, an opposing team's star pitcher roughs up an aging baseball coach from the rival team. Eventually, everyone on that opposing team is cursed, and so are its fans. In every big game, the star pitcher is left on the mound one inning too long. I have to keep telling myself that it's only a movie."

DERSHOWITZ: Your Honor, this juror shall sit for trial.

BAILIFF: "Mr. Marty Nolan."

DERSHOWITZ: "Thank you, Mr. Nolan. You are a former editor with The Boston Globe, are you not, sir?"

NOLAN: "The Red Sox killed my father, and now they're coming after me."

DERSHOWITZ: Approved for trial, Your Honor.

BAILIFF: "Mr. Denis Leary."

DERSHOWITZ: "Thank you, Mr. Leary. Sir, you were born in Boston, were you not?"

LEARY: "Two words: Shoot me."

DERSHOWITZ: "Mr. Leary, are you capable of a fair review of the facts in this case, given the involvement of two members of the New York Yankees?"

LEARY: "Two words: Whaddya think?"

DERSHOWITZ: I think you'll make a fine juror, sir.

BAILIFF: "Sen. Edward Kennedy of Massachusetts."

DERSHOWITZ: "Thank you, Senator. I understand you did not attend Game 3 in which the alleged behavior transpired in the New York Yankee bullpen. Is that correct?"

KENNEDY: "Yes, counselor, that is correct. When I returned, the pennant and Grady Little were gone."

Steve Woodward is a firm believer that, in episodes involving arrogant, testosterone-filled millionaire athletes and overzealous, annoying lifetime fans, we ought to take a number in Baghdad and turn this over to an Iraqi tribunal . . . as soon as it is done trading Saddam Hussein to the Montreal Expos.