Larry Flynt has announced for the California governor's race.

Bam.

	Governor Gray Davis' worst nightmare? Larry Flynt.

That's the door swinging wide, brother.

Splash.

That's everybody into the pool.

Yeah, Arnold is running, but he's the superhero, he's Maria and money, so his candidacy makes a weird, son-of-Reagan sort of sense.

But if Larry can run ... if $3,500 and 65 chicken scratches put Hustler Larry on the ballot ... well then, my friends, anyone can have a go.

And sure enough, all kinds of surprise candidates have organized campaign committees and schemed out platforms.

You're gonna need a scorecard now, you're gonna need a Page2 breakdown.

In addition to Dick Riordan, who I think used to play for the Bullets, Bill Simon (is he the guy who runs that trucking company with the skunk?), and Arianna Huffington, (Huffington -- that's one of the houses in Harry Potter, right?), there's ...

The Arnold
Qualifications: Proven money-maker (which is key in a state $38 billion down).
Campaign slogan: "Don't make me hurt you" (they're still tinkering with it).
Why he deserves your vote: Mandatory push-ups and jumping jacks for state senators before big-budget votes.
Why you might want to think twice: The judgment thing. There was a moment not so long ago when he read the script for Collateral Damage and thought, "Yeah, that looks good. Let's do that."

And ...

The People VS. ...
Qualifications: Knows the law.
Campaign slogan: "I f---ing love the first amendment! Don't you just f---ing love the first amendment?! Isn't the first amendment the f---ing best?"
Why he deserves your vote: Slot machines and video poker ... at airports, grocery stores, day-care centers, wherever.
Why you might want to think twice: The prospect of Woody Harrelson pushing "Legalize It" hemp hats and Ts in the capitol rotunda.

And now that Larry's in the race, word is these people might soon be calling press conferences as well:

Hugh Hefner
Qualifications: Come on, who doesn't love Hef?
Campaign slogan: "Entertainment for Men" (if it ain't broke ...)
Why he deserves your vote: The parties, man, the parties. And if that isn't enough, how about the most brick-house, mighty-mighty cabinet in American political history.
Why you might want to think twice: No reason I can think of.

Jennie Finch
Qualifications: Page2's It-Girl
Campaign slogan: "Softball not soft money" (we don't know what it means either … and we don't care).
Why she deserves your vote: A return to wholesome family values in a killer dress.
Why you might want to think twice: Just this. Once there was Anna, and Anna was the queen and no one could touch her and things were good. And then came Jennie, and the people rallied around her, she took Anna down, hard. And now there is Jennie, and Jennie is the queen, and no one can touch her, and things are good and right in the world. But someday -- maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but someday -- there will come another. And the people will choose her, and just like that, this new woman will become queen. And you will look at Jennie -- at the candidate you backed, the candidate in whom you invested your very heart and soul -- and an empty feeling will well up inside you, and you will wander the streets aimlessly, disillusioned with the political process, vowing never to vote in this or any election ever again.

Barry Bonds
Qualifications: Good eye, ruthless cuts.
Campaign slogan: "Don't talk about him no more."
Why he deserves your vote: Won't waste his time and your valuable tax dollars on press conferences.
Why you might want to think twice: Won't waste his time and your valuable tax dollars on press conferences.

Nikki Ziering
Qualifications: Born: Norwalk, Calif.
Campaign slogan: "Officer Krystal says, 'Submit.' "
Why she deserves your vote: When she squares off against Angie Everhart in the first annual Lingerie Bowl at halftime of the upcoming Super Bowl, you can say, "That's my Gov!"
Why you might want to think twice: Ian Ziering? What possible explanation could there be for that? And I know they're divorced and everything now, but still ...

Phil Jackson
Qualifications: Reads a lot.
Campaign slogan: "The world is vast and wide. Why do you put on your robes at the sound of a bell?"
Why he deserves your vote: Jack as Lt. Governor.
Why you might want to think twice: You're going to be on one of those capitol tours, just minding your own business, checking out the Gerry Brown portrait on the wall, wondering what happened to his hair, wondering whatever happened to Linda Ronstadt, and Phil's gonna sneak up behind you with a copy of Watership Down or Siddhartha or some such thing. And he'll tell you how he's chosen this special just for you, and he'll produce some study guide questions. And the whole thing will kind of creep you out, especially when all the animals in Watership Down start to talk to each other.

Tony Hawk
Qualifications: The 900.
Campaign slogan: "Anything you can do, I can do better."
Why he deserves your vote: Watch this clip
Why you should think twice: You shouldn't think twice, you should vote twice.

Al Davis
Qualifications: The 1980 Super Bowl.
Campaign slogan: "Just win, baby." (duh)
Why he deserves your vote: Pity.
Why you should think twice: Scorn.

Brandi Chastain
Qualifications: Time Magazine, July 19, 1999.
Campaign slogan: "Good girls wear black (and nobody wears Gray)."
Why she deserves your vote: The role model thing.
Why you should think twice: '99 was a long time ago.

We're hearing rumors, too, about Clint Eastwood throwing his hat in the ring, and some people are saying the Maloofs are thinking about a split-time proposal where Gavin runs the state on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays, and Joe takes the other days of the week.

Somebody said Shaq was interested, too, but we can't get confirmation on that, and there was a brief but intense buzz around Dennis Miller, which turned out to just be a cloud of confusion surrounding the references and allusions in his non-denial denial.

Eric Neel is a regular columnist for Page 2.