Here at Page 2, we've always wanted to run an advice column. Problem is, we're a little reluctant to boss around our readers.

For example, we would never tell a beautiful young woman how to deal with her cheating boyfriend (dump him and call us). Nor would we offer personal finance and investment tips (buy Disney stock and lots of it).

	If Paris fell off a bridge, what would happen? See below.

And as for deciding between a play-it-safe field goal and going for the winning touchdown in the waning minutes of an NFC playoff game? Please. Do we look like NFL coaches to you?

(Take a shot at the six. Or else hand in your badge and your gun. Also, your gonads).

That said, we still have something to offer -- namely, our titanic, awe-inspiring, monkey-shaming brain power. While the Dear Abbys and Playboy Advisors of the world deal with insignificant twaddle like annoying stepmothers and foot fetishes, the staff of Page 2 ponders the deep, universal questions of human existence.

Such as, has any celebrity ever paid a higher price of entry than Tom "I-slept-with-Roseanne" Arnold?

(No).

Herein, then, we present our newest feature: Stump Page 2. Our goal? Answering the questions that others are afraid to ask. Our method? By any means necessary.

Our belief? Unlike Christian Laettner's spliff, knowledge should never be bogarted.

On to the questions:

Dear Stump Page 2,

Given the the amount of reconstructive cosmetic surgery Michael Jackson has enjoyed over the years, does the King of Pop still own/control the rights to his image from the "Off the Wall" era?

Likewise, what about Dallas Cowboys owner Jerry Jones, circa 1993?

	For all you kids out there: Yes, this is Michael Jackson.

Don't print up that bootleg batch of Jackson Five "Not Guilty" T-Shirts just yet. According to Marcus X. Thomas, an entertainment attorney and music industry veteran who coordinates music management at Georgia State University, Jacko still owns the rights to his "Off the Wall" image, as well as his half-dozen or so other incarnations ("Thriller" Michael, "Bad" Michael, Helena Bonham Carter in "Planet of the Apes" Michael).

"The right of publicity, in many states, is the right for the individual (typically of celebrity status) to control and profit from the commercial exploitation of his/her own image," Thomas says. "The right extends to photos, likenesses, caricatures, sound-alikes, names (pseudonyms and legal) and even equipment closely associated with the individual such as a race car driver's car."

Thomas adds that publicity rights in California cover all images in which a person is "readily identifiable." Translation? So long as someone viewing a photo of Jackson with their naked eye can reasonably determine that said photo depicts Jacko -- and not an extra from "Night of the Living Dead" -- the pop star's publicity rights are in effect.

Moreover, Thomas says, those rights won't expire until there is no one left alive that can identify any of Jackson's images. Given Jacko's predilection for playing "Trading Spaces" with his mug, however, that shouldn't take more than a decade. Tops.

Dear Stump Page 2,

If a runner has a prosthetic leg and unscrews it and leaves it on first base, can he take a really long lead? Alternately, could a college football player leave his prosthetic leg on the field and then hop out of bounds and catch a pass and still have it considered one foot inbounds?

Anyone can take a long lead. But leaving an artificial limb on base won't keep you from having to hop back at first sign of a pickoff.

Send in your question!
Got a sports or celebrity mind-bender you just can't figure out? Stump Page 2 is here to help. Send your questions to StumpPage2@yahoo.com and check Page 2 for the next "Stump Page 2" column.

Section 7.08 (c) of the Major League Baseball rule book states that a runner is out "when he is tagged, when the ball is alive, while off his base." Since a prosthetic leg is technically part of one's uniform -- like, say, batting gloves -- it can't, by itself, "hold" a base. The runner needs to be wearing it. Otherwise, he's considered "off."

Think of it this way: You don't see Kenny Lofton and Co. leaving one shoe on first while cheating toward second, do you?

By and large, the same reasoning applies to football. However, if a receiver making a leaping sideline grab has his artificial leg knocked off by a defender while in midair -- preventing the prosthesis from otherwise landing inbounds -- it likely would be ruled a catch, dumping the Minnesota Vikings from the playoffs in the process.

Dear Stump Page 2,

Who would win a fight between Mike Tyson and Clubber Lang?

Iron Mike. While Lang is a formidable opponent in UbiSoft's "Rocky" video game, Tyson needed but a single, sweeping uppercut to fell his foes in the NES Classic "Mike Tyson's Punch Out."

Who made the bigger mistake by getting breast implants -- Nicole Eggert (think "Charles in Charge," then "Baywatch") or Tiffani-Amber Thiessen (think "Saved by the Bell," then "Beverly Hills 90210")?

	That's a nice pair of ... earrings.

Medically speaking, neither woman made a "mistake." Though many believe that breast implants cause debilitating systemic illnesses, such as autoimmune disease, the FDA's Breast Implant Information Package states that this has not been proven at this time. Far more common are local complications, such as rupture, pain, disfigurement, serious infection and capsular contracture (a tightening of the scar tissue the body forms around the implant).

Still, major infection and/or searing pain is a small price to pay for the career boost a new set of airbags can provide an aspiring starlet. Without her puffed-up cleavage, would Eggert have appeared nude and on all-fours on the cover of Sugar Ray's "Lemonade and Brownies?" Would she have co-starred with Richard Greico in "The Demolitionist?" And would Amber-Thiessen be featured in McDonald's commercials?

Rhetorical questions, to be sure.

If you went to the middle of the Golden Gate Bridge with Paris Hilton and the fat Anna Nicole Smith, then dropped them at the same time -- who'd hit the water first?

Aristotle believed that the heavier the object, the faster it falls. He also thought that the sun revolved around the Earth. On both counts, the Greek philosopher was mistaken. In reality, the Earth revolves around LeBron James. And all objects in a given gravitational field fall with the same acceleration regardless of their mass, assuming that no forces other than gravity are acting on them.

What does this mean for Paris and Anna Nicole? Since wind resistance is an almost negligible force given the distance covered, the two would hit the water at the same time. Even if Anna Nicole's pockets were stuffed with cookies.

Dear Stump Page 2,

If Ben Affleck and Colin Farrell are in a bar and the only available woman is Roseanne Barr, which one of them takes her home?

The answer is Tom Arnold.

Patrick Hruby is a sportswriter for the Washington Times.