Kordell Stewart will soon be slashed from the Steelers payroll.
It's been a turbulent journey for Stewart. He's had every word branded to him throughout his eight seasons in Pittsburgh. He's been adored, overrated, benched, revolutionary, misunderstood, benched again, brilliant, lackluster, MVP-worthy, and eventually released in favor of a former dud-turned-stud from the XFL. Not even Sterling Marlin's No. 40 has donned more labels than Stewart.
And he's about to join a long list of NFL players who've been deemed "salary-cap casualties."
|  | | Will slash for food. |
(Aside: Is there a sports term not associated with the WWE that's more over the top than "salary-cap casualty"? I bet there's a disgruntled accountant somewhere collecting royalty checks every time someone uses that phrase -- just like when Pat Riley cashes in on "three peat." I need to coin a phrase.)
Football players like Stewart aren't the only professionals getting canned for not living up to their paychecks. In fact, heads must roll in rock 'n' roll, too.
Don't believe me? Let's take a closer look.
A typical career for a football player goes like this: Your last-second touchdown airs on SportsCenter, you're winning playoff games, pouring champagne over your teammates' heads in the locker room, autographing jerseys for wide-eyed children, and then you're told to return your playbook.
Meanwhile, a typical career for a rock star goes like this: Your 16-bar tablature runs in Guitar Player, you're headlining Ozzfest, snorting ants with your band mates on the tour bus, autographing countless breasts for appreciative female fans, and then you're told to pursue a solo career.
The similarities are frightening.
Where Kordell Stewart ends up is for Chris Mortensen, John Clayton and Len Pasquarelli to find out before anyone else. In honor of those who've fallen before Stewart, I ask you to raise a lighter and pay tribute to these gridiron and rock star casualties.
Deion Sanders -- Cowboys & Redskins
It's all about the Benjamins -- and NFL ice -- for Sanders. If you've got a shot at the Super Bowl, Deion's got a jones for a spot in your secondary. Anticipating a probable run to Super Bowl XXXVII, Sanders tried to join the Raiders this past season. It didn't happen, but at least Prime Time has enough time to prepare for his hosting duties for the 50th Annual Miss USA Pageant.
|  | | "Goodnight Steubnville High School! You've been a great crowd." |
Vince Neil -- Motley Crue
After partaking in fatal car crashes, near-death drug overdoses and more brawls than the Greasers and Socs, Vince Neal was fired from Motley Crue in 1992. Both Neil and the remaining members of Crue struggled to sell records after the frontman's dismissal. Neil successfully lobbied to get his old job back and he rejoined Motley Crue in '96. Perhaps Nolan Richardson could learn a few "job begging" tips from Neil to kick start his coaching career.
Jamal Anderson -- Falcons
After two major knees surgeries in three years, Jamal Anderson did everything that was asked of him in hopes of remaining on the Falcons' roster. He restructured his contract and participated in every offseason training program. Jamal even ate all of his peas and made his bed each morning. The Falcons rewarded Anderson by signing Warrick Dunn and T.J. Duckett. Talk about being grounded with no allowance.
Alec John Such -- Bon Jovi
The bassist was interviewed for a magazine article in 1994 and stated that Jon Bon Jovi's criticism of his playing was getting to him. Such was fired from Bon Jovi shortly after the interview was published -- though the band denies it had anything to do with Such's magazine interview. Yeah, right. And Mike Vanderjagt is going to be kicking for the Colts next season!
Charlie Batch -- Lions
After being ousted in Detroit, Batch returned to his hometown and joined the Pittsburgh Steelers. Exactly seven die-hard Steeler fans packed Pittsburgh International Airport to welcome their hero's triumphant return. Kordell will be gone in a couple weeks, but Batch will still sit behind Tommy Maddox. Enjoy Mom's cooking.
Pete Best -- The Beatles
[The following conversation actually occurred.]
JOHN LENNON: Paul, we need to get rid of Pete. He's horrible.
|  | | "They're probably going to never make it anyway." |
PAUL MCCARTNEY: OK, but we'll need to find a new drummer. Any ideas?
JOHN: I saw this guy playing on buckets outside the studio. His name's Ringo. He's pretty bad.
PAUL: Let's give him the job. What do you think, George?
GEORGE HARRISON: (Silence.)
JOHN: Perfect. Ringo it is!
Pete Best was canned in August of 1962 in favor of Ringo Starr. Just three days later, The Beatles recorded their first single, "Love Me Do."
Bruce Smith, Thurman Thomas, Andre Reed -- Bills
These three players combined for 42 seasons, 609 games and 23 Pro Bowl berths. And they were a part of "It's The End of The Bills As We Know 'Em" Day in Buffalo on February 28, 2000.
Professor Griff -- Public Enemy
Known as the Minister of Information (just like a Sports Information Director for a D-1 school -- minus the rope chains and shell toes), Professor Griff was fired in 1989 for making anti-Semitic comments in an interview with the Washington Post. And you thought that move was reserved for MLB umpires, right?
Jerry Rice -- 49ers
You know nobody's safe when the Salary Cap Reaper strikes the greatest wide receiver in NFL history. Rice moved his act to Oakland and -- at a youthful 73 years old -- made the Pro Bowl this season. No wonder Rickey Henderson's hanging around Oakland's baseball team looking for a job. I can't say enough good things about Rice, but I can think of one bad one: His cornrow hairstyle is the second-worst idea for a soon-to-be bald man (the worst idea, of course, belongs to Matt Lauer's tribute to Dewey Oxburger).
David Lee Roth, Sammy Hagar, Gary Cherone -- Van Halen
Memo to aspiring rock singers: If Eddie Van Halen leaves a message on your voicemail gushing about your pipes ... don't call him back.
Neil O'Donnell -- Jets
Let me get this straight: O'Donnell signed a five-year, $25-million contract with the Jets after he completed two key passes to Cowboys cornerback Larry Brown in Super Bowl XXX!?!? Did an agent or a hypnotist work on that deal? O'Donnell's magic act worked for two years before he was cut by the Jets.
Jimmy Chamberlain -- Smashing Pumpkins
After reaching mainstream success with "Siamese Dream" and "Mellon Collie and The Infinite Sadness," frontman Billy Corgan fired drummer Jimmy Chamberlain for his rampant drug abuse. Corgan promptly gave Chamberlain a second hance
by rehiring him after his rehabilitation. See, George Steinbrenner isn't the only one with a soft spot for that stuff.
Herman Moore -- Lions
He set the NFL single-season record with 123 receptions in 1995. He also fell off the NFL map after several injuries and unimpressive seasons. Only Wayne Fontes was allowed to loiter longer in Detroit than Moore. The Lions cut him loose in 2002 and he played one game with the Giants last season. The G-Men lost that game to the Texans. Coincidence?
|  | | Imitation is the most sincere form of flattery. Not that there's anything wrong with that. |
Bobby Beers -- Steel Dragon
The movie "Rock Star" depicted a metal god, Bobby Beers, getting kicked out of his band after announcing his homosexuality to the group. Beers was replaced by his biggest fan, Mark Wahlberg's character -- who happened to sing in a Steel Dragon tribute band. I heard a rumor that an identical situation happened to Rob Halford of Judas Priest, but I just don't buy it that the guy who sang "The Green Manalishi" is gay.
Elvis Grbac -- Ravens & Chiefs
C'mon, did you really think a football/musician column could resist mentioning a guy named Elvis? He was cut by Kansas City after many doubted his leadership abilities. One year later, Baltimore execs uttered the unthinkable, "Man, we miss Trent Dilfer."
Every member of Menudo who turned 15
Who would've thought pubic hair and a learner's permit would instantly make you a has-been?
By Menudo's standards, it's been nothing but downhill for Gino Bona on his "Wink & The Gun" site, which can be reached at www.winkandthegun.com. E-mail him at gino@winkandthegun.com.
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