Wait just a minute here, Columbo. There's illicit money in ICE DANCING?

Well then, it's official. We have finally arrived in Hell, and not just any Hell, but the one that makes God double over in hysterics every times he peeks in at its residents.

By now, the entire world has chewed over the news that an alleged Russian mobster supposedly had his hands in up to his elbows over the result of the Olympic ice dancing and pairs competitions, a development that on its face should be sufficient to take anyone connected with either sport to prison, making little rocks out of big ones.

	The scandal that allegedly yielded Russians Yelena Berezhnaya and Anton Sikharulidze the gold has more intrigue than the Kerrigan-Harding affair in 1994.

In our tastelessness, we have allowed figure skating to become the Super Bowl of nonsports sports. But, it's the ice dancing we can't figure.

And hey, let's have no false outrage here. Ice dancing was an idiotic idea long before we found out it was mobbed up, a litmus test for detecting people who found Fred Astaire movies too intellectually challenging. In some ways, this scandal is exactly what ice dancing and ice dancing fans deserve. Even Roller Derby wasn't this crooked.

But what stops us law enforcement professionals is the realization that there was a reason for the Mob to take an interest in the whole putrid enterprise. I mean, when did loan sharking, extortion and numbers running lose their allure, and how did they lose that allure to … God, we shudder to think … ice dancing?

Was there a sports book somewhere on the Las Vegas Strip taking ice dancing action? And if so, in what locations is the operator of that sports book buried?

Are there secret ice dancing competitions operated like cockfighting rings across the country? Is there a marketing boom in ice dancing we are not aware of? Can it be that in our zeal to fight drug importation, corporate fraud, hate crimes and abuse of all natures we missed the construction of the illegal ice dancing industry?

But let's never mind that. The real question isn't who would fix an ice dancing competition but who would be so interested in ice dancing to make such a fix lucrative. The answer to that question won't convict the happy mobster currently in custody, but it may bring us one step closer to understanding why the cynics are winning.

There have been fixes or compelling evidence thereof in other sports, most recently in Little League (now THERE'S a victory for the American way). Most of the time, the fixes had money as a motive, although on rare occasions the fixers were "doing it for the kids.''

But until we can be shown that there was some sort of weirdo ice dancing black market, with the full breadth and depth of exotic betting propositions one can find in the NFL and the World Cup, we are left to believe that mobsters are helping fix ice dancing because they like ice dancing.

Somewhere, the ghost of Meyer Lansky is weeping for the future of his profession.

Of course, you regular law-abiding ice dancing fans cannot be helped. You'll find out that this stuff goes on all the time, and you won't care. You'll watch it even if the crawl at the bottom of the screen repeats the legend, "THIS IS FIXED! THE FINAL RESULTS ALREADY HAVE BEEN ARRANGED! IF YOU DON'T LIKE IT, A LARGE BURLY MAN WITH A BAG OF CHISELS WILL COME TO YOUR HOME AND OFFER YOU A HAIRCUT!''

In short, you cannot be saved. You're on your own.

But for those of you who regard the sanctity of the Olympics as a tangible thing rather than the great steaming pile of nonsense that it is, this ice dancing thing must come as a real blow. I mean, how did Yosemite Sam feel every time Bugs plugged the cannon with the sink stopper and caused the gun to explode in Sam's face? Does the word "Suck-errr" ring a responsive chord?

I mean, after the graft, bribery, political skid-greasing and construction cost overruns, at long last, is nothing sacred? Isn't there one sport so stupid, so meaningless, so devoid of entertainment value that it can't be tainted by criminal machinations?

Apparently not. Ice dancing was that sport, and even it couldn't avoid the taint of shame. The cynics aren't winning. They've won. This is Hell, and Al Trautwig and Scott Hamilton are rinkside.

Ray Ratto is a columnist for the San Francisco Chronicle and a regular contributor to ESPN.com