With the 2003-03 season yellowing into history, we thought it time to look back over the last eight months and give nods, shout-outs, and barely-implied hand gestures to the people who made hockey worth every ulcer:

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The Fat Kid Suing McDonald's Trophy For Frivolous Lawsuits: To Michael Croteau ­ father of the 17-year old Nova Scotia bantam player who sued the local hockey association when his son, Steven, failed to win the league's MVP award ­ for blazing trails in the field of leading by example. ("That's right, Timmy, if you work hard enough, say your prayers every night, and if pops can afford to shell out for the right kind of legal representation, I know there's nothing you can't do.") To borrow a joke from the esteemed Denis Leary, what's next, can we sue the makers of Cooperalls for turning us into a bunch of skating waiters in the mid-eighties?

Best Out-Of-Context Quote About a Disqualified Goal In Game 5 Of The Stanley Cup Final That Could Double As A Motto For The Current State Of NHL Hockey: "Clearly, despite all best efforts of all involved, a goal was scored. The NHL regrets the error." Colin Campbell, NHL Director of Hockey Operations, June 5.

The Liza Minnelli/David Gest "Every Day This Union Emerges Intact Should Be Wrapped Up And Submitted To The Vatican For Official Miracle Status" Award: To Florida Panthers GM Rick Dudley and his coach Mike Keenan. Everything is rosy out in Miami, if you understand "rosy" to mean "the GM won't let the coach practice with his team, and the first prolonged losing streak next season will mean bye-byes for Mikey, if he's lucky enough to make it that far."

Worst Celebrity Cameo In A Stanley Cup Championship Celebration Trophy: Whoopi Goldberg, New Jersey, June 9. Whoopi Goldberg? What, was the spirit of Paul Lynde otherwise booked? We've seen our share of dubious appearances by celebrities, but this is getting to be ridiculous. Unless the rumors are true, and Whoopi is doing research for "The Color Purple 2: Lou Lamoriello's Face While Discussing Mike Danton."

The Best First Step In Fixing A Team Of Underachieving Multimillionaires Who Haven't Made The Playoffs In Six Years Award: To Glen Sather, ex-champion of the little guy and present-day Sugar Daddy for the ATM that is the New York Rangers, who decided chastising Rangers fans for booing the team was the way to get things right again. "That's the way it works in sports. You cheer and help the team get better. You boo them, they get worse," Sather said in April. "It's the same as your children. If you have a child who is having trouble in school and you berate him every day he's never going to get any better. You encourage him, he'll get better." (True enough, but in defense of the $70-million-income households out there, it's fair to say expectations are a little higher for toddlers pulling in seven digits per calendar.) Analogy aside, you have to stand in awe of Sather's marketing genius. Lashing out at the customer is obviously the missing link advertisers have been hunting for all these years. Somebody get this man the New Coke and McPizza accounts!

Most Appropriate Surname For A Streaker Trophy: To the pride of Provost, Alberta, who fearlessly scaled the glass during a Flames/Bruins game in October, only to fall and knock his completely naked self unconscious (and, even more tragically, landing on his back). Congratulations, Mr. Tim Hurlbut. Ahem.

The Bob Clarke Media Relations Award: To Devils coach Pat Burns, who set new records for sneering and belittling in a Stanley Cup Final. Here's a sample exchange: (Reporter): Pat, what's the No. 1 reason no man can stomach Martha Stewart, is it (a) she's a rich and powerful woman; (b) she's stiffer than Leona Helmsley at a gay pride parade, or (c) she's turned the average girlfriend into Potpourri-zilla?" (Burns): You're asking me that because we won, right? (assorted eye rolling and harrumphing) Next question."

The Brutal Reminder Not All Endings Are Happy Trophy: To Theo Fleury, currently banned from the NHL for six months thanks to a third failure of the league's substance abuse policy. The soon-to-be ex-Blackhawk's career could very easily be at an end; after all, which team is going to take a chance on an 34-year-old right winger whose stock as a scorer is plunging as quickly as his reputation as human tear gas in the dressing room is rising? In an earlier column, we defended Fleury as a recovering addict who should be treated as a person with an illness and we're sticking by that philosophy. But that doesn't make it any easier to watch him publicly excavate his way to rock bottom, tarnishing a career that was once golden.

The Funniest Man In The NHL Not Named Gary Bettman Award: To Marc Bergevin, the Pittsburgh defenseman widely known for his superior sense of humor. Dealt to the Tampa Bay Lightning late in the season for their playoff run, Bergevin was quietly reacquired in May by the Penguins, an unheralded move we interpreted as another signal Lemieux will play again next season. Firstly, if Mario wants to keep the franchise on a respirator until the new collective bargaining agreement is finalized, he'll have to play; more importantly, if Lemieux wants to make it through the almost-guaranteed 40 losses that will come next season, he'll need Bergevin's ability to keep a dressing room fun and loose. (Come to think of it, with the collection of kids and kiss-offs GM Craig Patrick has been forced to assemble, Lemieux will need George Carlin, Bill Cosby and every borscht belt comic this side of Schenectady to keep from losing it).

The Brighter Days Are Ahead Trophy: To former Flyers goaltender Roman "I put the 'manic' in" Cechmanek, traded to the Los Angeles Kings following another postseason flameout by the Flyers. Sure, Cechmanek is going to a team nowhere near as defensively disciplined as Philadelphia, but remember, one of his biggest gripes as a Flyer has been being misunderstood by the media due to his shaky grasp of the English language. Now he's working in the land where Donatella Versace, Arnold Schwarzenegger and Keanu Reeves are successful beyond their (and our) wildest dreams. You're home, Roman. You're finally home.

The Thanks to Screen Shots Readers (Other Than Those Charming E-Mailers Who Wished To Re-Categorize This Writer's Relationship With His Mother) Award: To all who have taken the time to e-mail. We're much obliged for your honesty and passion. Have a wonderful summer.

E-mail Adam Proteau at aproteau@thehockeynews.com.

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