Chicago Blackhawks winger Theo Fleury was suspended indefinitely on Oct. 8, two days before the start of the regular season, for violating the guidelines of the aftercare portion of the NHL/NHLPA Substance Abuse and Behavioral Health Program.

Fleury rejoined the Hawks for practice on Nov. 26 and was cleared to resume playing on Dec. 5.

He sat down with ESPN's Darren Pang for an exclusive interview on Dec. 10. Following is an edited version of the transcript:

Pang: Scoring two goals has to be remarkably exuberant as far as you are concerned.

Fleury: It's good to be back, there is no doubt about it. There has been a lot of long days over the past two months, productive days, things that I put off for so long that I needed to work on.

Pang: When you scored that first goal, those emotions, did you have a hard time keeping that inside?

Fleury: Yeah, big time. I guess there has been numerous highlights in my career where I have scored goals and did the Terrell Owens thing. I didn't expect to score any goals at this point, so I think I am a little head of schedule. I didn't really miss the actual playing part, I missed being around the guys, that whole thing.

Pang: Guys in the locker room say that with your emotion your leadership has stood out.

Fleury: The time that I was in New York, just listening to Mess [Rangers captain Mark Messier] in the locker room and what not.

Pang: Do you have a strong recollection of New York, where everything started to fall apart?

FLEURY TIMELINE

June 13, 1987 Drafted by the Calgary Flames, eighth round, 166th overall May 25, 1989 Registered five goals and six assists in 22 games en route to winning the Stanley Cup. March 9, 1991 Set an NHL record with three short-handed goals in an 8-4 win at St. Louis Feb. 28, 1999 Traded to the Colorado Avalanche for Rene Corbet, Wade Belak and Robyn Regehr July 8, 1999 Signed as a free agent with the New York Rangers Feb. 28, 2001 Fleury voluntarily enters the NHL/NHLPA Substance Abuse and Behavioral Health Program Sept. 4, 2001 Fleury cleared to return to active status August 15, 2002 Signed as a free agent with the Chicago Blackhawks Oct. 8, 2002 Suspended indefinitely for violating guidelines of aftercare program Nov. 26, 2002 Allowed to rejoin Blackhawks for practice Dec. 5, 2002 Cleared to return to Blackhawks' lineup

Fleury: Yeah, absolutely. When I entered the program, I started to open up a can of worms that I hadn't really looked at. It was in the back of my subconscious for a long time. It was difficult to deal with those things on a daily basis. From a very small age, I was a loner type kid and the only place I got any solace was when I went to the rink. So I ran to the rink as many times as I possibly could, because to me that was my drug at the time, hockey, and I was able to go there and get away from reality. I could get everything I needed at the rink. I could get love. I could get attention. I could get all those things at the rink. It was when I left the rink that I was lost.

When you go into the treatment process and you start to open up all these things and you start to take a look at yourself ... the whole time in New York I was sober, and so I was dealing with a lot of stuff for the first time in my life where I couldn't rely on the alcohol or whatever it was. I couldn't rely on that anymore and I was dealing with these problems and I was dealing with these feelings and emotions that I had never dealt with in my life. A subsequent result was the things that happened on the ice, because I didn't have the tools to be able to deal with those situations. But I had to go through it at some point of my life, and unfortunately for the Rangers and the fans and everybody that cared about me ... it was just difficult on them as it was on me.

But I am here today. And I feel very fortunate that I have been able to deal with these things finally and be back here and playing again.

Pang: Does the treatment center talk about rock bottom? Was that rock bottom?

Fleury: Hockey has always been a place where I felt comfortable, so when they took that away from me, the light bulb went on and said "OK, this is my bottom." And for now, it's my bottom. I don't know what's out there. That's what I like about taking it 24 hours at a time, because if I look too far ahead, that's what gets me in trouble. If I can maintain 24 hours a day and just have fun enjoying myself, that gives me a better chance and a better opportunity. But when they took hockey away from me ... for the first time in my life ... for the last 29 years, I went to the rink, put my equipment on and got ready to play, and for the first time in my life that was taken away from me and that was the consequence that I needed.

Pang: When you were given permission to rejoin the team, you had an incident in L.A.. All of a sudden people are thinking "Is this a here-we-go-again thing?"

Fleury: I'm human, I made a mistake. I slept in, I got into a cab, the cab driver didn't know where he was going, we got lost. I would have been at practice. But you know, we could have sugarcoated it. But because of it, everybody gets these ideas that, "Geez, he went out again," but that's not the case. I'm not that stupid. After going through two months of what I have gone through, to go out again, it's like "come on."

My situation is very unusual because every move that I make is going to be scrutinized by everybody. But this is what I love to do, and part of being an athlete is being in the limelight. I have to face up to some of the things that have happened and I have to take responsibility for that. I think for the first time in my life, I don't blame other people. I look at it and say, "You know what? I messed up here, I slept in, so I am going to take responsibility." I slept in, the cab driver happened to be late, and that's ... we will leave it at that.

Pang: New York Rangers players often made excuses for Theo Fleury, right? A lot of times it prevented you from being accountable, did that hurt you in the end?

	Not everyone at Nassau Coliseum was rooting against Theo Fleury on Tuesday night.

Fleury: Yeah, but that's part of this disease. We surround ourselves with people who let us get away from all of this stuff. Like I said, I think for the first time in my life, I had to take a look at myself. Why have all the relationships in my life not worked? Well, there is one common denominator, and that's I keep bringing myself into every relationship. So I had to take a look and there are some things I had to change about myself. Deep down, I knew what kind of a person I was, but I never believed it. I never believed that that is who I really was. And as each day goes by, the more that I look at myself, I realize what kind of person that I am and what I can bring to every situation that I am in.

Pang: Not just in hockey?

Fleury: No. This has nothing to do with hockey. It really doesn't. And the more layers of the onion you pull off, the more you start to realize that I made lots of mistakes in my life, but to be able to admit those mistakes and make apologies, and say that, "You know what, I am trying to do this a different way." And I think if you are honest, and open with people, they will understand, they will forgive you. If you are trying to do the right thing they will forgive you.

Pang: You have got some help in terms of the assistance program off the ice?

Fleury: Yeah, I have a traveling companion, which is my idea, actually,

Pang: Really, that was yours? Do the Blackhawks take care of that?

Fleury: Yeah, it's something that I need. And that's another part of it, being able to ask for what I need. Before I would never ask, I would never ask for help because I can do this by myself, and I can get through this. But you know what? I can't. I need to ask for help. I need to ask for things, I need to ask for what I need in order for me to continue on this path.

For the last few years, I have just been kind of moving around, trying to change where I live, hoping that may help, getting rid of all the places. I am really going to try to set some roots in Chicago and stay there and become part of the community. That's something I had in Calgary. When I left Calgary, I had been lost ever since then, because Calgary was my town and I loved playing there. When I left there, it was a huge loss for me because I had so many friends and so much family. And when I got traded it hurt, it really, really hurt and it has taken me a few years to get back on track, but I have that feeling again in Chicago.

Pang: So when you skate out onto the ice at Madison Square Garden, what are you anticipating?

Fleury: There is going to be a lot of mixed emotions. To be honest with you, I really don't know what it's going to be like.

Pang: You can handle it, I take it?

Fleury: Yeah, absolutely. Once I step onto the ice, that's where I do my thing. There have been a lot of things that have gone through my mind over the past couple of days, you know, coming here and going to New York. I have never had a problem with the hockey part.

Pang: Even last year with the penalties, the on-ice stuff? That was really off-the-ice?

Fleury: Yeah, that was all off-the-ice stuff. Stuff that I couldn't draw the line anymore. It got to the point where I couldn't draw that line to say that. I hated going to the rink.

Pang: You were tough on referees. Was that an excuse?

Fleury: Yeah. It was just, I was so out of my mind. I was so insane in my thoughts, in my perception of what was going on, it was just one of those things, like you said. For the first time in my life, those things were right in front of my face and I had just no idea how to deal with them. None. Absolutely. It was one of those things that no matter what I tried to do, nothing worked. And because of that, I did some crazy things.

Pang: When you left the game in Pittsburgh and went to sit on the team bus, were things spinning or calm?

Fleury: (Laughing.) Oh no, I didn't know what to do. I didn't know what to do. I look back on it and that's the insanity part of this disease that I have. It's not taking that first drink, it's living inside of this head, it really is. Some of the thoughts are so out there, but that's my perception of what things are. And my perception is not reality. My perception is wildly out there and whacky.

Pang: Are you tested frequently?

Fleury: Yeah. I don't have any trouble with that.

For the first time in my life, it's "I can't do this by myself." I have come pretty far on my own will power, but this is one thing that I can't do by myself. For the first time I think I realize that. I am a strong person, I have been through a lot of stuff in my life, but this thing grabbed me by the throat and didn't let me go until I was able to say, "You know what? Enough is enough. This is crazy. I don't want to live my life like this anymore."

Pang: What you were as a player, do you feel you want your legacy to remain that way, not what it was over the past couple of years?

Fleury: Yeah. But I honestly believe that everybody's perception is not reality. In the past, I would dwell on those things and get really upset if somebody wrote an article or if somebody made a comment towards me, but that's not who I am. I think I will have a better idea of who I am and where I want to be when this is all said and done.

Pang: What is the role of J.J., your traveling companion?

Fleury: We room together and try not to kill each other. We go to meetings together. We try to go to a meeting every day. He is my sponsor, so basically any problems or any issues that I have, I can pass it off onto him. I trust him very, very much. I have known him for a few years, and it was my idea to have J.J. come because there are going to be some sticky situations out there where I am going to need help from somebody. The reason we get along so well is because we shared similar experiences together. We are different in some ways, but in a a lot of ways we are very similar.

Pang: When you wake up, how different is it from how it was before?

Fleury: The off days are a little bit different. I go to a meeting first thing in the morning, as soon as I get up, I go to practice, have lunch, then go to a therapy session in the afternoon, and then I go home and spend time with my family and get ready to play the next day. On game days, we try to get to a meeting in the morning, if we can and if it fits into the schedule. But it only takes two people to have a meeting. So if J.J. and I are together, we can talk about whatever.

Pang: That discipline on a daily basis, that's part of it?

Fleury: You know what, I wouldn't want it any other way. I get my rest now. I eat breakfast. I do a lot of things I haven't done in the past. But it is so great to wake up in the morning and want to go to practice and do the things that I always took advantage of. I didn't have an appreciation for the day-to-day stuff that goes on, and now I do. It's great to get up in the morning. It's great, believe me.

The lowest point is when they took hockey away from me. That was a bottom. I never thought that my will power would get taken away from me. So it was difficult watching the team, especially on the last road trip when things weren't going as well as we all thought they would have, and knowing in the back of my mind that I could contribute to the team. It's still good to be around the guys.

Every game that I play now is very special. And I realize now, for the first time in my life, how important and how much hockey has given to me, and now it's time for me to give something back and I look forward to that.