Larry Eustachy sat down with ESPN's Jay Bilas on Friday to discuss his battle with alcohol and the decisions he made leading up to his suspension Wednesday as Iowa State head basketball coach.

Here is an edited version of their conversation, which can be seen on SportsCenter.

Bilas: How tough has this last week been on you and your family?
Eustachy: It's been hard, very hard, probably the toughest time we've been through in our coaching career.It's been hard on the people in Iowa and very hard on the players. Most important it be toughest on my wife Stacy and my two boys. It's been difficult. I can't lie to you, it's been tough.

You've heard and read a lot of the criticisms, commentaries. Do you think the way you've been portrayed in the media has been fair?
I haven't read, and I'm not sure how I've been portrayed -- you'd have to tell me more and then I could answer it.

What about what you've heard, the way you see it. Do you think the way you've been treated not only by the media, but by Iowa State has been fair?
Well, I know Jay that I've made some extremely poor decisions. The ultimate embarrassment, and I'm not proud of it. The way I'm treated by a particular institution is really up to them, how they want to treat me. I'm sitting here in front of you, where I'm at, for what I've done. I'm not going to get defensive, or say that Iowa State is the problem. I'm the problem. I've created this, a situation that has almost created a life of its own. I think you'd agree. But no one is at fault but me. So any criticism that comes my way, I accept because I'm accountable for my actions.

You say that your poor decision have put you in this position. What poor decisions, in particular?
Well, I'm an alcoholic. I've been diagnosed as an alcoholic, this is the 16th day that I've been sober. I can't drink three or four beers, because then I want 10, 12 or 14. When I get in that 10, 12, 14 stage, I take silly pictures; I put myself in immature places and I don't like that. That's why I'm moving toward recovery. I don't enjoy that side of me, that's not me. And as I sit in front of you now, even though this is a trying time no matter what happens, this is as good as I've felt about myself Jay in a long, long time.

When did you first realize you were an alcoholic?
Well, I've been drinking for a long time -- and drinking pretty heavy. When the day was done, I'd start to drink. And drink pretty heavily. Every day I'd drink. So, if the day was done and I went to lunch I wouldn't have a beer -- I wasn't that kind of guy in the afternoon. But when the day was done -- whether it was 7 o'clock after practice -- I'd go right to the refrigerator and start drinking beer. Or on a recruiting trip, if we were done recruiting, I'd go right to the lounge at the local hotel I was staying at and start drinking. And I've been doing it for numerous, numerous years as I said.

But there was an incident midway through this season where I was in the kitchen, up late, had drank way too much. My wife observed me. I didn't know she was observing me, and the next morning I get this letter from her that was very specific and direct of where our marriage was headed and where our family was headed -- and that turned a light on. So I called a counselor, and really didn't follow up, because you know I'm in the season and I kind of just put a band-aid on it, I thought. When the season was over, I told myself I was going to see where I was at, so I want to say a month ago I went to see a counselor -- a strong guy, a specialist, good friend, and a guy I felt comfortable with -- and he said "you're an alcoholic, and here is what you need to do." So, I started doing that on my way to recovery. I'm in the infant stages, and I'm sure there are going to be some highs and lows. But I'm bound and determined to stay sober, be a better husband, better father, obviously a better role model and better coach, where ever it may be -- hopefully here.

When you first realized you were an alcoholic and needed help, did you tell Iowa State right away?
No, I didn't. I was never confronted with my drinking by Iowa State. I would say about two weeks ago, I had a meeting with my president and we were going through a lot things, and I brought up this situation that I'm sure we're going to get into with the pictures. There were more pictures out there and I want to make you aware of it. So, in this talk we had, he did say "one person has mentioned alcohol." And then we kind of went on. That was the only talk of alcohol until I called my president the day of the article hitting the paper. I told him I was out of state, seeking counseling for alcoholism. It wasn't just that day, but prior to that, and he said fine and wished me luck. So, no. That was the first time I informed someone from Iowa State that I had this situation, this illness. But I had been working on it prior to it.

Before all this came out about the pictures and what had happened in January at the University of Missouri, at that student party, you were already seeking treatment?
No, the picture came out in January after the Missouri game. This the timetable, if you will. The letter from my wife appeared after that, the situation in the kitchen. The season was complete and I sought counseling about a month ago and was diagnosed. Then, it really wasn't over the edge in all honestly these pictures were circulating, not knowing by any means what it would come to, kind of pushed me over the edge to get help. That's' when I went into talking to people, counseling, and I didn't feel comfortable getting it here in Iowa because of who I was. I do now. But not then. So I went out of state to get comfortable, and back here, and it's a daily process as you know.

Was it hard to admit to yourself that you needed help?
Yes, yes it's hard. It's extremely hard. But were I was headed, I didn't like. You don't regret the past, that's why we are here talking. I've felt as good as I've felt in a long time. You don't regret the past because that led me to here, but it was very hard. It was hard to admit to yourself who you are. We've all been around, particularly with athletics, we've been there and it's hard to admit that you have this situation.

When I asked specifically what poor decision you made, you said you were an alcoholic. Now, can you separate the sickness or disease of alcoholism and issues of judgment?
If you look at the situations I've put myself into, those were situation -- the party, the fraternity situation -- I appeared at those places drunk. I would not have gone from the game to those places, but drank prior to those places in public restaurant bars, and then ran into some people. Not then, can you associate the difference between good and poor decisions in the state of mind I was getting myself in.

Tell me about the judgment you made to go to that party at the University of Missouri, that was a student party, with mostly I would imagine 18 to 22 year old kids.
No, they were ... well I can't say that. Everyone left this downtown bar and went just a little ways as a group -- I think, to the best of my recollection -- then went upstairs to this apartment. So, I would be surprised if all weren't over-age. But I didn't check IDs or anything like that.

But you admit there was a fair chance there could be underage drinking?
I don't think so. That didn't even enter my mind. Could be. But if I had to guess, if they were, they got into a bar illegally.

But you did know there were students there?
Oh, yes. No question about it.

Do you think you would have attended a function like that if you were not already drinking?
No.

What makes you think that?
Because of the judgment you have sober and the judgment you have sober. There is a big difference.

Do you see being in that situation as being inappropriate? And why?
Yes, because they are students and the age group of them. I don't think we'd be sitting here talking if it was a retirement home, if you will, that would be the extreme. If there were a bunch of 80-90 year old ladies in there taking those same pictures. We wouldn't be here, would we?

Do you think we'd be here if those pictures came with the same crowd, but in a bar?
No, that's a good point. Because that's a public place, available to everyone. what I did was certainly going over the line of what a coach should do as a role model;. And I don't think going into a bar and taking pictures is nearly as lack of being a role model than going into the atmosphere I went into.

Now, your critics would say, "What a second, he's blaming this all on alcohol and an illness. He's not taking responsibility for issues of judgment." How would you respond to that sort of stance.
I would say I don't myself blaming anyone but me. I don't know where that comes from. I told you earlier, I hold myself totally accountable for my actions. So, I don't see where the blame is. I explained the chain of events that led to it. The start came into the finish, but unless I'm missing something, I'm held accountable for the start too. I'm not sure the sense in that, because all I've done is admit I've made very poor judgment. When you allow yourself to get into that state of mind, then those things happen. So, I'm not blaming alcohol.

Do you view alcoholism as a sickness or illness, or more of a weakness?
Oh, I think it's definitely an illness. There are some very strong people, very strong people, leaders of this country, when they drink alcohol and the switch goes on that you can't stop, it doesn't matter how strong you are or how tough you are, you can't stop. And I think that's the difference between an alcoholic and non alcoholic -- one is too many, one thousand isn't enough.

When you were coaching over the last few years, did you feel alcohol impaired your judgment as a coach?
Well, as I said, I never drank until the day was done. But to say that I didn't get the proper sleep? The day was done, it might have been at midnight in my hotel room after watching film. I never slighted the team, the players who are so important to myself. You've seen our teams, you see how I am with these players. But to say it didn't affect my job, whether it was lack of rest, or what have you, it wouldn't be true. It had to.

What about the interactions with your players? As a coach and leader of young men, from time to time, you are going to have to deal with them in disciplinary matters in their behavior off court. Earlier this last season, you had dealings with a player that had an issue with alcohol. Do you think that affected your credibility with that player?
Not at the time, because I had hid my drinking. I never had a drink around the players, I never had alcohol on my breath around the players. I was a very functional alcoholic. But one of the players that really pushed me toward seeing who I was, we had problems -- there are problems everywhere on campuses, as you know Jay, with binge drinking and alcoholic students -- so we had that on our team. Guys staying out too late, guys staying out too late, guys doing this or that. As much as I've every tried to control that with this team, with bed checks throughout the week, brought in a morning practice, brought in a breathalyzer and had everyone blow into it to see who had been out that night. We probably did as much, if not more, than any program in the country to curtail that -- and that's where I began to really feel like a hypocrite. Now, if we practiced in the morning, I wouldn't have as many drinks at night, wanting it out of my system by the time we played. What a hypocrite , I've got a player who've been in trouble a couple times for alcohol-related instances and I've got him in my office as close as we are, getting on him -- you've got to do this, seek counseling if you're going to be on this team. And I'm telling you, one of the big moves was when that player got up and walked out, and I'm sitting there, tearing up, asking myself, "Who are you? What are you?" "You're a hypocrite." You're not a great guy. You're saying one thing and doing another." That was a big moment in my life.

Do you think a recovering alcoholic can be a effective basketball coach on the college level?
Well, there are a lot of them. I think you'd be surprised.There are a lot of them. I'm sure we don't know all of them, because they have not chosen to go public. There are obviously well-documented ones in the NBA -- some of the finer coaches. But there is a difference when you are dealing with more adults than students. But I don't think there is any question that you can be. It's been proven. Some of the better coaches out there right now at the college level are recovering alcoholics and you are always recovering -- that's what it is, a day-by-day thing. A lot has been brought up, well how do you go into a home, how do you recruit these kids? Well, you've been recruited Jay. You just don't go into the front room cold, not ever having talked to these people, and try to sell them in a hour and a half that you can trust me. It's phone calls, right? It's in the home two or three times, it's campus visits. And I really believe that given that time, I can sell myself as a recovering alcoholic, and I would be as anybody to move your son along as a role model and basketball players.

What do you think your players' parents are thinking right now, based upon the misjudgment you made by attending that party and some of the other things that have been said?
I think there a parent on this team who has prejudged me prior to this and that only adds fuel to the fire. I think in general, for most, I know because I've talked to them, that they support me. They want their son to play for me. They respect me, they understand when I explain it. What do I think? I know, I know where the majority of them are.

What do you say to them, though, that they can trust you going forward with their kids -- as essentially a guardian of their well-being while they are away from home. How can you reassure them that not only this won't happen again, but just that you won't make these judgments again?
I've promised them that I will not drink. Jay, I feel very strongly that I will never have an ounce of alcohol again, and that's where toughness comes in and weakness comes in. I just tell them it won't happen again -- I've got too much to lose. First of all, a person named Stacy, and two boys. If a person in my situation chooses to drink again, you are jeopardizing everything that is important to you, which is your family. And boy, you have to be a pretty shallow person, a pretty weak person, a very selfish person, to do that. I can only assure them that it will happen, and that's where the trust comes in. But when you've been through a situation a two- or three-year player, where that player has made mistakes, and the second chances have come, you've got a bond with these people. It's not somebody off the street. There are parents in this program that we've gone though a lot of things together. So, that helps.

What about the perception that Larry Eustachy may not be in control. He may not be able to handle all this, or have the credibility to be a leader of young men. How do you handle the perception that may be out there in the public?
You wish you get a second chance. Because I know if given a second chance, you'll get the best coach that has been here in the last five years. A better product, more effective. But I understand what you are saying, but only time takes care of that -- a day at a time, week at a time. There will be negative perception, but there is also I would think, there is a lot of positive perception of a forgiving state, forgiving players, forgiving parents, that's how people are in the Midwest. That's how a Cyclone fan is -- very, very forgiving. I haven't seen a poll, but I would imagine with all the cards on the table, there are a lot of people that would like to give a person a second chance and I just hope that works out for myself. If not, I'm only to blame, not the people who didn't forgive.

I've heard you say, going forward, you'll be a better coach. Why?
Well, I'll physically be better. I will put more thought into it. Even when the job is done for the day, I would start to drink, I will be thinking more about basketball, or getting more rest. Whatever productive thing for that time, instead of putting alcohol in your system.

Has Iowa State been supportive of your treatment and battle against alcoholism?
Yeah, they have. I haven't had a lot of communication with the administrative. I've had some great support from students, who had a slumber party outside last night on my lawn. They are having rallies on the campus and I've had a lot of professors -- so Iowa State has been very good to me.

How about the coaching fraternity? Have you heard from your fellow coaches? And, what kind of things have they said?
Yes, it's been unbelievable. They can't believe this situation has created this, but I've explained to them why. This is why, and I understand why. We've talked about that -- the age of the people and the timing. I don't go, "Oh you're right, what a hose job." No, this what it is and this is why I'm where I'm at. But they are very supportive of me coaching here and recovering. It's amazing who you hear from -- your rivals and who you don't think is maybe your friend, it's just overwhelming. We had a hundred and sixty-somthing phone calls yesterday.

Have there been any that meant the most to you?
Tim Floyd is the one who suggested where I go. For the final counseling, when I didn't feel comfortable in Iowa. And he's been there for me every day, and I've got a couple friends in coaching who are recovering alcoholics who have been there every day. And friends who have been in the coaching fraternity, not necessarily in our league, but throughout the country. And the coaches in the league have been great, supportive.

What about the controversy that surrounds this, the way it's being viewed and the things that are being said? Do you think that concerns coaches, as well as your well-being?
I would think so, that times are changing. These guys are celebrities. A lot of good things have come out of this, lessons have been learned. I may pay the ultimate price, but I may help someone down the road. After my press conference, there was a letter in my mailbox from a guy down the road who never had the courage to confront his alcoholism until my press conference and give him a call to go with me. So, some coaches are probably looking at this and looking in the mirror, some attorneys are probably looking in the mirror. Good comes out of tough situations.

Had the pictures not surfaced in the newspaper, do you think you would have tried to deal with this problem privately?
I was in the process of dealing with it privately.

But you wouldn't have admitted it publicly.
In time, for sure. But because of how everything was accelerated, if felt like I had to tell -- not for sympathy, I wasn't playing the sympathy card -- just I felt there were a lot of things being said, and I wanted to tell my side of the story. For no other reason, I wanted to let people know were I was going my life. I really wanted to tell my mom I hadn't had a drink in a year. I really didn't want anyone to know except my wife.

If you were a coach at a lower-profile program, say a "mid-major" program, do you think this would have caused the firestorm you seem to be in now?
I can't answer that. The time of the year, there isn't a bunch of stuff going on. But I'm glad I'm not. I'm glad I'm here, because whatever transpires has moved me forward big time.

If Iowa State decided, ultimately, to fire you as head coach, would they be justified in doing so?
That's a question for my attorneys. That's something I can't get into.

Your athletic director, Bruce Van De Velde, is recommending you be fired. Why would you not resign, based on this. Why do you want to keep your job so badly?
We love it here, we love the people, the players on this team are everything -- they are great guys. They filter through here every day, "how you doing coach?" Some real special people. Got commitments to five very good recruits, who are hinging on what's going on. So, we haven't talked a lot about the players have we? They've suffered the most, besides the people in my immediate family. So, that's why I'd like to stay. I'm just in love with this university, it's a special, special place to me -- and always will be.

If you were to leave here, you've said before, this will be your last coaching job. Do you still feel that way?
No. Things have changed, and I've always been so tunnel visions, as you know coaches are. And I've really put a lot of thought into things the last few days. I enjoy coaching, I enjoy the player-coach relationship. I like being around the guys, whether its some of the media -- I happen to like you -- I enjoy the recruiting. I enjoy all part of it. So, no. I will coach again.

Where do you go from here? What is the process now?
We have to see what happens here. We have to play this out. Again, it's a day at a time. That's what I'm taking it -- a day at a time. I can't tell you where we go from here, I can't answer that -- time will tell.

Did you ever think you'd put yourself in a position where your lawyers will determine if you stay or leave a job?
I think every coach lives with the fear of your lawyers trying to help you determine your job. The disappointment is this is something I could have controlled. And I think when you lose a job, or when your job is in jeopardy, it hurts a lot more than if you had injuries, worked your tail off, but just couldn't win enough. It's every coaches nightmare, I think you know that. But I'm better for it.

You've had some really successful seasons at Iowa State. The last two haven't been your best. If your team had been much more successful, like it was in 2000 or 2001, do you think you'd be facing this same problem?
You'd have to ask our administration about that.

But what is your sense of it. My sense is, that part of the perception problem has to do with your misjudgments, and there are other things you can point to in the program. The idea that you've had a couple players who've had off-court alcohol problems; an assistant coach who was arrested and charged for breaking the law with possession of child pornography and obstruction of justice. People can say, "What a minute, maybe Larry Eustachy isn't, or wasn't, in control." Is this part of it too?
I've always thought, and I can say that I have been in control. I was a very, very functional alcoholic. There are those guys who can function and do the job -- and some things I couldn't control within the program. But I handled no different this year, than the two championship years. So, they come in bunches, or however you want to put it Jay, there is no difference. I wasn't spiraling out of control, my alcohol was going up some, but I've been drinking for 25 years. So, we've had a tough, tough chain of events this year, but I may have put more thought into this team, and worked harder, than when we lost five league games in two years. So, it can be deceiving.

It's just timing. We've often said, "look at everything that's happened this year." And it wasn't because I found alcohol this year and decided to start drinking and was spinning out of control. "Boy look at him, he's out of control, he got kicked out of the Kansas game." No, I got kicked out of the Michigan State game and that happened to be in the Elite Eight, trying to get to the Final Four. This happened to be off a 17-14 season, so winning takes care of a lot of things is what we're trying to get at. Probably a little bit in this situation.

If your son were playing for someone in your situation, what would your thoughts be on trusting that coach?
Knowing it was me? Knowing the coach was me? He'd play for that guy. Because I know who he is; know what he's about; what he's capable of doing and what that coach has put into players and his program. I haven't kicked our players to the curb in situations like this, but I'm the coach, and that's the issue -- and I understand that. But if you're asking me, I'd play for me in a heartbeat.