If there is a nuclear winter (and who wants to bet against it these days?), the only planetary survivors will be cockroaches and Steve Lavin.

And half the cockroaches will complain that the last human should have been Mark Few, Ben Howland or any number of Lavin's so-called rumored successors.

	No, smothering him doesn't seem to work either. Steve Lavin will be around as long as he can keep his Bruins alive this postseason.

Lavin, with some noticeable help from his UCLA players, dropped trou in the face of the reaper yet again Thursday when the Bruins beat top-ranked Arizona in the first round of the Pacific 10 Conference tournament.

And while we know that Lavin's fate as former UCLA coach is already sealed, as announced most notably by Lavin himself, it is still a remarkable thing to see him torture his torturers. And more remarkably still, to hear him say all the right things about his soon-to-be-former employers while wishing inwardly that the school be taken over by developers and turned into Starbucks Interplanetary Headquarters.

This, you see, is the ultimate fascination with Lavin -- that of the beheaded chicken still dancing long after most hen would have given up and boarded the KFC Afterlife Express.

Indeed, when FoxSports, which televised the UCLA-Arizona game, announced its postgame poll question as, "Should Steve Lavin be retained as UCLA coach?" the only thing a sensibly morbid person could do was scream at the set, "Are you crazy? Have you lost your snow-pea-sized minds? Do you want to wreck the story now that's it's getting really weird?"

No, Lavin should not return. No matter how long the Bruins last (and at this point, we want them to get all the way to New Orleans just out of pure bilious spite), he should know that his next trip to the office will include five cardboard boxes and athletic director Dan Guerrero telling security, "Great guy, classy exit ... check him for office supplies before he leaves."

Even if Lavin doesn't get a coaching job next year, or for that matter the St. Bonaventure president's job, he can't come back. The Bruins need to win, and win, and win some more, and after every game, Lavin must address the fact that he is always only one game away from the Big Footprint.

"Great win for the kids ... whoever comes after me will be a lucky man ... I'll always love the school and the people ..." I mean, there are times when you do want to strangle him just to get him to expel his real feelings.

But that's not going to happen, not even if the Bruins reach Saturday's final, and not even if they make the NCAA Tournament itself.

And give that a moment's reflection, if you can -- UCLA and North Carolina-Asheville in the play-in game Tuesday night.

I mean, you not only can't make this up, you can't buy enough drugs to get someone to try and make it up.

St. Bonaventure changing its university mission statement to include forfeits. Georgia players chased off the school president's lawn. Bob Knight working for free. ... I mean, the game has never been funnier.

But UCLA going fingers-up to the coroner? This is drive-off-the-road hilarity, and we should not want it to end.

Of course, it is UCLA's fate in the Lavin era to start the run, make it awhile, and just when you're thinking they've got the stuff to make it all the way, they get slapped. These are Lavin's last four season-ending losses: