|
I have managed to get my hands on a script for this year's NBA Awards
Show. As a public service to you, dear reader, I now show you the pages from
the end of the show, when all the good awards are given out. (No
Sportsmanship Award here!) The host, I think, is Steve Martin; the first
presenters, as best I can figure out, are Mel Gibson and Goldie Hawn.
|  | | And the MVP is ... Mr. Iverson, who had his best NBA season. |
GOLDIE: (into camera) Mel, we've never had as worthy a group of nominees for
all the league awards before.
MEL: Goldie, they're all "Lethal
Weapons" to me...
GOLDIE: Oh, Mel.
MEL: The nominees for MOST VALUABLE
PLAYER are...
KOBE BRYANT, Los Angeles Lakers (pause for applause)....TIM DUNCAN,
San Antonio Spurs (pause for applause)...ALLEN IVERSON, Philadelphia 76ers
(pause for applause)...SHAQUILLE O'NEAL, Los Angeles Lakers (pause for
applause)...and CHRIS WEBBER, Sacramento Kings...
GOLDIE: And the MOST VALUABLE PLAYER award
goes to... (opens envelope) ALLEN IVERSON!!
ANNOUNCER: (off CAMERA) This is ALLEN IVERSON'S first Most Valuable Player award! No doubt
that the Diesel has the numbers to repeat: first in the league in field goal
percentage, second in blocks, top five in points scored and rebounds.
Duncan's been terrific the last three months, now that his surgically
repaired knee is back in shape. Kobe may be the best player on the planet,
and CWebb has been outstanding all season. But not only does "AI" lead the
league in scoring and in minutes played, he's also first in the league in
steals. A lot of times, steals are a bogus category, indicative of a guy
who's taking unnecessary chances and leaving teammates vulnerable. Iverson
does it in the context of Philly's terrific team D, which is fifth in the
league in both points allowed and field goal percentage allowed! Plus,
Iverson has done everything his critics have asked of him this season. No
off-court troubles. He's been to practices and games on time. He's tried to
take better care of his body. He's passed the credit around to his teammates
on every possible occasion. If he's feuding with Larry Brown, they're both
keeping it quiet. The Sixers have been the most consistent team all season,
and Allen has been the league's most consistent star all season.
(applause)
STEVE: Allen, you're butter. You're jiggy. And now, to present the COACH OF
THE YEAR award, is a captain in his own right: William Shatner!
(applause)
WILLIAM: Do you still pay full fare for your plane tickets and hotel stays?
These nominees are entitled to a week's stay at a five-star hotel -- or at
Five Star Camp! The nominees are...
RICK ADELMAN, Sacramento Kings (pause for applause)...LARRY BROWN,
Philadelphia 76ers (pause for applause)...DON NELSON, Dallas Mavericks
(pause for applause)...JERRY SLOAN, Utah Jazz (pause for applause)....PAT
RILEY, Miami Heat (pause for applause)...And the NBA's COACH OF THE YEAR
award goes to....
(opens envelope)....
LARRY BROWN!
ANNOUNCER: This is LARRY BROWN'S first NBA COACH OF THE YEAR award! He's won
three Coach of the Year awards in the ABA. While Nellie's obviously gone
through great personal trauma this year, coming back from prostate cancer,
and while Riles has been amazing, keeping Miami together while it played
most of the year without Alonzo Mourning, and while Adelman has gotten his
Kings to finally think a little about defense, and Sloan has been as good as
he is every season in getting the Jazz to max out, it's Brown's turn. He has
managed to win big with a team that's so much more than its individual
parts. He has figured out a way to exist with his superstar, Iverson. He has
gotten the most out of every player, and kept the Sixers winning big even
though they've had injuries to almost all of their top eight players. And he
had the guts to pull the trigger on a trade that altered Philly's chemistry
when it had the best record in the league!
(applause)
STEVE: Larry, they play the right way. Congratulations. Tonight's BEST SIXTH
MAN award will be presented by two of the best men from "The Six Million
Dollar Man": Lee Majors and Richard Anderson!
(applause)
RICHARD: Since our two movie careers have been, uh, slow lately, I can only
surmise that our presence here is a play on the word "six." Sixth Man, Six
Million Dollar Man. Which is a stretch.
LEE: Shut up, Richard. (applause and laughter) The nominees for NBA BEST
SIXTH MAN are...
TRAVIS BEST, Indiana Pacers (pause for applause)...ANTONIO DANIELS,
San Antonio Spurs (pause for applause)...AARON MCKIE, Philadelphia 76ers
(pause for applause)...RUBEN PATTERSON, Seattle Sonics (pause for
applause)...GLEN RICE, New York Knicks (pause for applause)...KURT THOMAS,
New York Knicks (pause for applause).
RICHARD: And the NBA's BEST SIXTH MAN award
goes to...(opens envelope) ... AARON MCKIE!
ANNOUNCER: This is becoming a Philly kind of night, isn't it? But McKie, who
averages 11.5 points and shoots 47 percent from the floor, deserves it.
Patterson (13 points, five boards, 49 percent from the floor) was instant
energy for Seattle, and Thomas (10.3 points, 6.6 boards) did yeoman work in
the paint for the undersized Knicks. But McKie was not only strong off the
bench for the Sixers all season, but when point guard Eric Snow went down
early in the year, McKie not only played out of position, but excelled
there. And then went back to the bench when everyone healed up. Plus, he
played with a variety of his own injuries all season without complaint.
STEVE: Ladies and gentlemen, to present the MOST IMPROVED PLAYER award, one of
the most improved actresses in Hollywood...Julia Roberts!
JULIA: Thank you...I think. The nominees for MOST IMPROVED PLAYER on an NBA
team are...
RICHARD HAMILTON, Washington Wizards (pause for applause)...ANTAWN
JAMISON, Golden State Warriors (pause for applause)...TRACY MCGRADY, Orlando
Magic (pause for applause)...DONYELL MARSHALL, Utah Jazz (pause for
applause)...PREDRAG STOJAKOVIC, Sacramento Kings (pause for applause).
And the MOST IMPROVED PLAYER award goes
to...(opens envelope)...ANTAWN JAMISON!
ANNOUNCER: The Academy had a tough time with this one! Stojakovic has been a
revelation for the Kings, improving from 11.9 points and 3.7 boards on 44.8
percent shooting last season to 20.5 points and 5.5 boards on 46.8 percent
shooting this season! He's also improved his assists by more than half from
last season, and he's become a big-game, big-time shooter.
But the MOST
IMPROVED PLAYER award is probably the most subjective of all the honors, and
in the Academy's view, Jamison's jump is even more impressive. He's gone
from being a post player who couldn't score out of the paint to an
all-around player. In his first two seasons, he attempted 17 three-pointers,
total. This season (through Monday), he's already made 60. The jump from
19.6 points a night to 24.8 is the jump from role player to star. The board
work has improved to 8.7 per night. And after playing in 43 games last
season, 'Twan has played in all of Golden State's games this season, to the
tune of 41 minutes a night.
The Academy is aware that McGrady's numbers are
stratospheric (27 points, 7.6 boards, 4.6 assists). But among the Academy's
Pet Peeves is giving this award to players whose numbers go up, more than
anything else, as the result of more burn. And with Grant Hill out,
McGrady's got the green light in the Land of the Mouse. It's not that he
hasn't had a great season. But he couldn't do what he's done this year
playing next to Air Canada.
STEVE: Wow, that was detailed. And long. But we move on now, to the DEFENSIVE
PLAYER OF THE YEAR award. To present this honor are two guys always on the
defensive...Jackie Chan and Chow Yung-Fat!
JACKIE: Chow, were you Crouching Tiger or Hidden Dragon?>br?
CHOW: You are proving the old adage true, that it is better to be thought a
fool than to speak and remove all doubt.
JACKIE: Oh, Chow. The nominees for DEFENSIVE PLAYER OF THE YEAR are...
DOUG CHRISTIE, Sacramento Kings (pause for applause)....GEORGE LYNCH,
Philadelphia 76ers (pause for applause)...DIKEMBE MUTOMBO, Philadelphia
76ers (pause for applause)...SHAQUILLE O'NEAL, Los Angeles Lakers (pause for
applause)...THEO RATLIFF, Atlanta Hawks (pause for applause)...BEN WALLACE,
Detroit Pistons (pause for applause).
CHOW: And the winner of the DEFENSIVE PLAYER OF THE YEAR
award is...(opens envelope)...DOUG CHRISTIE!
ANNOUNCER: The Academy really wanted to give this award to DOUG CHRISTIE, because
not only is he third in the league in steals, but he single-handedly changed
the culture in Sacramento, making defense something worth playing. In a
conference filled with lethal two guards, CHRISTIE has more than held his
own. RATLIFF would have probably won going away had he not gotten injured
just before the All-Star break; he hasn't played a minute for his new
employers. And O'NEAL'S presence in the middle still gives the Lakers their
best chance to shut down opponents in the high-flying Western Conference.
But the Diesel wasn't as into D the first couple of months of the season as
he was last year, and the Academy thinks that's part of the reason the
Lakers stumbled and bumbled through the first half of the campaign.
STEVE: Our final individual award is the ROOKIE OF THE YEAR award. Because
we're short on time, I'll present the nominees myself. They are...
MARC JACKSON, Golden State Warriors (pause for applause)...KENYON
MARTIN, New Jersey Nets (pause for applause)...DARIUS MILES, Los Angeles
Clippers (pause for applause)...MIKE MILLER, Orlando Magic (pause for
applause)...MORRIS PETERSON, Toronto Raptors (pause for applause)...
And the ROOKIE OF THE YEAR award is
presented to...MIKE MILLER!
ANNOUNCER: If JACKSON had managed to make it through even most of the season, the
Academy would have given him the award hands down. He was clearly the best
first-year player. But he only played in 48 games before injuries sidelined
him for the season, and it wouldn't be fair to give him the nod over others
who've played down the stretch, and for more successful teams. That's why
the Academy gives MILLER the award over MARTIN. MILLER's scoring
average of 11.7 is fine, but he's doing it on a winning team. True, he's
feeding off the open looks playing next to MCGRADY will give you, but
he still is hitting almost 40 percent from three-point range. And he's
hasn't been the sieve on defense that people expected.
STEVE: Thanks to all the nominees. Our technical awards were given out
earlier this evening, and we honor those who won...
ANNOUNCER: The ALL-NBA FIRST TEAM winners were guards ALLEN IVERSON and KOBE
BRYANT; forwards TIM DUNCAN and CHRIS WEBBER, and center SHAQUILLE O'NEAL.
SECOND TEAM honors went to guards MICHAEL FINLEY and TRACY MCGRADY, forwards
KARL MALONE and KEVIN GARNETT, and center DAVID ROBINSON.
THIRD TEAM honors
went to guards GARY PAYTON and JERRY STACKHOUSE; forwards GLENN ROBINSON and
DIRK NOWITZKI, and center DIKEMBE MUTOMBO...
The EXECUTIVE OF THE YEAR award goes to Cleveland GM JIM PAXSON, for
finding a team that would take Shawn Kemp, with all of his on-court and
off-court baggage...
The LUNATIC OWNER OF THE YEAR award goes to -- guess who -- MARK CUBAN,
whose skill at creating a buzz around the Dallas Mavericks and making them a
truly hot ticket was exceeded only by his willingness to put his team at
risk with his mad-dog antics at courtside...
The ALL-CLUTCH team winners were guards RAY ALLEN and STEPHON MARBURY
(if only for his All-Star game performance); forwards DIRK NOWITZKI and PAUL
PIERCE, and center MARCUS CAMBY...
The ALL-SAM team winners were guards SAM CASSELL and SAM JACOBSEN;
forwards SAM MITCHELL and SAM(AKI) WALKER and center SAM PERKINS...
The ALL-ZYDRUNAS team was, once again, inactive.
| |
|
