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| TODAY: Friday, May 12 | |||||
| WWF baseball, what a thrill Special to ESPN.com | |||||
| In case you missed it, Vince McMahon announced recently that the
World Wrestling Federation plans to start a new football league beginning in early 2001. Boy, it's about time, isn't it? If there is one thing this country has a crying need for, it's a more violent football league that fosters even more brutal, sexist and destructive behavior.
But before you chalk up the proposed XFL as, "USFL II,"
consider this: the Rock and Mankind each recently held down slots on the New York Times bestseller list.
The logical question then, is not whether the WWF football league
will succeed, but when McMahon will announce the opening of an extreme
baseball league as well in an attempt to lure back some of those younger fans supposedly bored by the national pastime.
In fact, Off Base spies inform us McMahon already has plans for a new league on the WWF drawing board. Tentatively titled Smackdown Baseball, the WWF's league would have some familiar faces (Morganna returns -- and this time she's wearing leather and lycra) but overall it would be considerably different from the existing major leagues we know and love.
For instance ...
While baseball told its umpires to expand the strike zone from the
knees to above the belt level, Smackdown Baseball would tell its umpires to expand the strike zone from the groin up to, and including, the back of the skull.
Three words: Commissioner Pete Rose.
Rather than suspend John Rocker as major league commissioner Bud
Selig did, Smackdown Baseball would offer the relief pitcher a raise and a lifetime contract, encouraging him to be less inhibited and to speak his mind more openly. T-shirts are already being designed with a raised middle finger and a tag line that reads: "Rocker 3:16 -- Everyone else sucks!"
On the other hand, Rocker's nickname will be the same as it is
now: Mr. Ass.
The use of androstenedione not only would be tolerated in
Smackdown Baseball, it would be required.
Pitching changes still would be allowed but only if the pitcher
is able to leave the mound and tag his reliever in the bullpen.
Unlike major league teams that sell out by wearing alternate
jerseys as a blatant method of increasing merchandise sales, Smackdown
Baseball team would not wear jerseys of any kind. They would have
alternate pants, though. They would alternate between wearing them and
not wearing them.
"Take Me Out to the Ballgame" would be replaced by Nine Inch
Nails' greatest hits.
Instead of 25-man rosters, teams would have 35-player rosters
with lots of room on the disabled lists.
There will be no free agency and no trades. Instead, teams would
have until midnight July 31 to kidnap whichever players they want.
Every Sunday night -- the McGwire-Sosa Batting Cage Match of
Death!
The games would be scripted and rehearsed in advance, with the
winner determined by which team increases TV ratings the most. While such a rigged finish removes any semblence of legitimate competition from the games, at least the outcome would be more in doubt than that of a Twins-Yankees series.
Instead of exchanging lineup cards before games, managers would
simply exchange blows.
No rain delays. No four-hour games. No organ music. (So yes, in
some ways, Smackdown Baseball would be an improvement.)
In other words, Fox is really going to like this league. But to
really get a feel for what Smackdown Baseball would be like, just picture Albert Belle with a folding chair.
Jim Caple's Off Base column appears each Wednesday. |  | ||||