Jamir Miller could not have picked a worse time to tear his right Achilles tendon. It came in the team's first preseason game, days after Miller went against his instincts to hold out and instead signed an incentive-based contract, seven months after he recorded 13 sacks and made his first Pro Bowl. Because he isn't allowed on the sidelines until he's not on crutches, Miller watched the Browns' opener against the Chiefs from a luxury suite that was anything but. He stirred and shouted and looked like a man who had the wind knocked out of him. When the game ended in the crazy way it did, he thought that if he were out there, maybe it would have been different.

ESPN The Magazine is following Miller for a behind-the-scenes look at his eight-month rehab. While the story won't be published until this spring, Miller will keep you updated every couple of weeks with an online diary. Here's the first installment.

CLEVELAND (Sept. 8, 2002) -- This has been a strange day. I was up about 6:30 this morning. I thought to myself, "Normally, I'd be doing something different right now." I'd normally watch some TV, take a shower, put my suit on and come down to the stadium. But instead I went to church. Then I came to the stadium. I went down to the field before the game to see my teammates, to get them ready to play. It's a lot of work, on crutches, to go around and try to see everyone. More work than I thought it would be.

	Like Achilles himself, Miller has his weakness.

I've studied karate for about two years now. It's something that helps me to deal with the frustration I'm feeling right now. I watch videos and listen to audio tapes on my headphones to channel negative energy into positive energy. Work on my own energy. Build my own energy. Meditate to calm myself down. I've had nothing else to do. After the injury I came to the complex to work out my upper body. The third day, I was in the weight room and I fell, trying to get on the bench. After that, I figured since I can't put both my feet on the ground, I don't need to be in there. And I got frustrated so I decided I'm not working out any more.

I think about my contract a lot. Am I upset about coming in and getting hurt? I'm not upset about coming in, but I am upset about getting hurt. If I'd held out, would it have worked out differently? There's a possibility. I think it would have, because there's no guarantees in the NFL. The only guarantee you have is your signing bonus and it's up in the air after that. So if you don't get what you can get while you can, you never see it.

For an active person, this is the worst thing that can happen. This is usually my most active time of the year, and to not be able to use the bathroom without a lot of effort, you realize what you take for granted. I'm happy to see the guys playing well, but I'm frustrated that I'm not out there. I think I could make them better if I could play.

Devin Bush had my number (95) written on the back of his shirt and on the sides when I was in the locker room today. It felt good that guys actually think about you. That guys remember that you mean something in that locker room. Teams take players for granted -- and once a player is gone, you realize that this guy was a big part of the team and still is. They've tried to keep it that way with me. It means a lot.

That's the worst. I can't tell guys if they're screwing up. I can't tell them where to line up. That's the hardest part of it. I want to be on the sidelines -- but if I get wiped out I could get injured further, and they might tear me up a little more. I'm not traveling with the team until I can get up and down stairs. So this is the worst part of it. Hopefully, I'll get my walking cast so the next home game, I'll be down on the sidelines. With my teammates. The way it should be.

Cleveland Browns Pro Bowl linebacker Jamir Miller will be keeping a diary on ESPN.com throughout the season.