WORKING TITLE: Body Shots on Goal

THE PITCH: Teenager survives a year in the Finnish army and three years of teaching primary school before finally discovering the wild life of NHL superstardom. Think Kindergarten Cop meets a hockey version of The Fast and the Furious.

	It's not a tumor!

CAST: Kevin Costner plays me. I know he doesn't look like me, but he's a good guy, he likes to party and enjoys life. Now my wife, let's see ... she's blond, but I'd like Halle Berry to play her. Then, to play my ex-girlfriend I'd choose Madonna. She's a wild girl.

CLIMAX: When I turned 30, I threw myself a big party in Helsinki. I rented a big boat and invited about a hundred friends for three days on the Baltic Sea. That would definitely make a great movie scene.

FX: I used to race rally cars back in Finland, so there would have to be a couple of really big car crashes. I'd probably have to do the stunts for Costner, though.

REVIEW: Passion, partying, fast cars -- and loads of fun!

This article appears in the December 23 issue of ESPN The Magazine.