Where do you want to be this weekend? If you like your football tough and mean and covered in face paint, Oakland's the only place. Oakland on Sunday, starting about noon, for a 5:30 p.m. game. Lots of prep time for yelling and strutting and drinking till every layer of sense is peeled away.

	Just in case you Raider fans forgot -- here is the scene of the crime.

This is a big game, against the Patriots, because the Raiders were robbed last year in the playoffs. And when the Raiders are robbed, Raider Fan is robbed, too. Individually. Like Tedy Bruschi broke into their houses and stole everything.

They've been waiting for revenge for a long time, and they plan on getting it.

So if you want to experience the NFL you don't see in the promos or United Way commercials, head to Oakland and root for the Patriots. Try doing it quietly -- doesn't work. They'll find you. They know. It's their job to know.

Even if you're dressed in something innocuous -- gray sweater, jeans, an orange "Ed's Plumbing" foam-front cap -- they'll know. You won't even have to cheer for the Patriots. You can act all nonchalant and unbiased, even say stuff like "Great catch" when Jerry Rice hauls in a one-hander over the middle. Doesn't matter. They'll smell you out and take revenge against you. Personally. It's your fault -- the snow, the ref, Adam Vinitieri. It's on you.

They've got your Tuck Rule right here.

So come out to Oakland for some good old-fashioned fun. And bring the family.

This Week's List:

Bobby Knight, it turns out, was busy: Jerry West hired Hubie Brown.

Just a guess, but: I'm thinking Jason Williams was not consulted in the decision.

Let's start it right here -- Spree to Memphis: Don't you think there have been many times in his coaching career that Hubie Brown has commanded a player to "put some mustard on that pass"?

The word "mastodons" immediately springs to mind: On Tuesday night it was Yao Ming vs. Arvydas Sabonis.

If you think about it, Fridge wouldn't be half-bad in goal, either: Manute Bol is going to play minor-league hockey.

If you've got first pick: You've got to at least consider Tracy McGrady.

And so, it turns out, are the guys who hired him: John Mackovic is sorry.

At Miami of Ohio, they're doing their best to stimulate the economy: Expect a big spike in building supply stocks this week, after the repair work on the visiting coaches' box at Marshall University is put out to bid.

The word from Miami O is: Someone threatened the team with foot poisoning and the crowd was on the field and we feel we will be exonerated.

In other words: We're sorry, sure, but not really all the way.

Coach Omniscience believes the ball has been incorrectly spotted by a good 11 inches, so here comes the red flag and we're going to have a break in the action: Anyone who watches the incessant, pointless stops in the action during an NFL game and comes away advocating instant replay in college football or any other sport is a mindless pawn of the system.

Just for the heck of it: Mark Olberding.

No word on whether Dick cried: Dick Vermeil's wife wrestled unsuccessfully with a purse snatcher but got away unharmed.

Hell, no, we won't go: A campus march to protest Bobby Williams' firing at Michigan State drew eight people.

Leave, leave now, and don't come back: Hootie Johnson, Martha Burk and anyone else who cares enough to either conduct or answer a poll on the issue of female members at Augusta National.

If you're playing high-stakes solitaire, it doesn't make a lot of sense to raise your own raise: Dusty Baker's agent has informed the Cubs they need to "dip into their pockets a little deeper" if they're going to lure his client, who doesn't seem to have any other suitors.

Maybe the Cubs can have Bill Murray sing "This Little Light of Mine" to Baker via speakerphone from a pipefitters' bar out near O'Hare: Billy Beane turned down the Red Sox even though part-owner Tom Werner had Katie Couric -- Werner's girlfriend -- call and sing "Happy Birthday" to Beane's wife.

'Tis the season of double-talk and gibberish, where "keeping all options open" is the secret to happiness: Tom Glavine's agent, in discussing his client's interest in the Mets and Yankees, says, "No one should underestimate Tom's willingness to leave the Braves."

And finally, if I could be Jason Giambi or Derek Jeter or Bernie Williams or Mariano Rivera for a day, here's what I'd do: Quietly take $100,000 out of my next check and purchase dental care for the Yankees' employees who lost theirs because of the Boss's ridiculous idea of cost-cutting.

Tim Keown is a senior writer for ESPN The Magazine. E-mail him at tim.keown@espnmag.com.